you fight everything with such futile grace,
like a moth beating its wings
against a lighted window.
in the back room of a locked ward of a
hospital built for broken minds,
you press your face hard against the
cold glass of your shatterproof window
but it will not yield to tears.
in the anesthetic silence you
wage your secret war.
you are both the white army
and the black, with your kings locked
in a mutual checkmate- make a move
and both of them will fall. in your mind
the end of days is written in the spilled
rice pudding on the floor
and every sunrise is a new apocalypse.
the doctors, with small white pills
promise to deliver you from wonderland,
but you can't leave this darkening dream.
your night cigarette, under the watchful eye of nurses
is a beautiful thing to behold;
with it you flick sparks off into the night,
tragic fireworks sent high and bright and gold;
tiny stars swept away by the wind to freedom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really liked this poem. Was this perhaps inspired by Flowers for Algernon? It's such a sad movie!!!!! You do have great talent, and I'm sure with the suggestons already stated, your poem will go from perfect to perfecto!
Cut an "of"
Why rice pudding?
In any case, it's all very beautiful. It took you an awful while to meet your point, but I suppose I'm just impatient. My only suggestion is that you roam outside the prose-text...as I can see that you are already very skilled here and in no need of improving.
I'll have to disagree about the capitalization. I think you definitely need to capitialize the first letter of every stanza, plus whenever you begin a new sentence, but don't capitalize every line. Poetry is almost in its own hemisphere. A lot of times it can be an exception to regular mechanics.
Other than that, nice work. As black apple said, great imagery. I especially liked this part:
If I may ask, what was your inspiration for this poem?
I would use capitals at all times when nessesary. It makes it less confusing imo. Other than that, the imagery is quite rich and it's not difficult to understand so...I think it's a really nice piece of work.