The small waves brush against the dock.
The seagulls slowly drift off , leaving me in stunning silence.
The sun sinks into the horizon,
leaving a splash of colors smeared against the sky.
The small breeze seems to swoop me off my feet,
and carry me in a soft cloud of mist.
I feel weightless,
like a feather blowing in the breeze.
The moon now stares down at me.
The clouds tickle him, so he smiles with laughter.
The soft grass looks as welcoming as a feather pillow,
and I can't help but collapse onto the spongy grass.
Before I know it,
I begin falling into a deep sleep almost instantly…
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Those 2 lines are definetely my favorite. Sunsets are one of those really powerful images that most readers recognize and love, and smeared is a good word to describe it.
These are the only 2 lines that bug me. I'm to assume that the moon is who you mean by "him" in the following line, but it took me a minute or two to understand that. It's just a bit unclear, and takes away from the overall draw-in that you started and kept through the rest of the piece.
Aside from those two lines, the piece is very good! Just about any reader would be able to get drawn-in to this because the images are all recognizable and simple. Keep it up!
The ending... Wasn't what I'd like for this poem. It seems to just drop off and not the right kind of ending, because you were saying about how you fly off and how it's all so nice and flowery and you just fall asleep? Your imagery was pretty okay, along with the framing. I like them. But the ending, I did not. Maybe you can make the ending more like... And here I bask in it or something. Like an endless pleasure that this poem seems to describe to me.
Good luck. Keep writing. P.S. Are you a minion? If not you should join. (Pm for detais)
Hey there!
One thing I think you should look out for in this poem are redundant words. For example:
See what I mean? And the last line is too ... factual, I would use some imagery there instead.
I hope I helped!
~Amy
Hello there fairy_at_heart! Before I get to the nitpicks, I would just like to say one thing. The imagery in your poem was absolutely fantastic. I could almost feel the waves brushing against my ankles, I could taste the salty sea air. Good job! Anyway, onto my main points.
When you write, "The small waves brush against the dock" It doesn't give off the image it should. "Small" is not really an adjective to describe waves, even if its not one of those giant ones that surfers ride. I think it would be better replaced with 'petite' or just left out all together. Your readers know that waves by the shore aren't going to be giant.
You write, 'leaving me in stunning silence.' Emphasis on stunning, because what is stunning about silence? If something is stunning it means that it really dazzles you, which doesn't seem like silence. I think 'peaceful' would be better.
Your line, 'leaving a splash of colors smeared against the sky' doesn't really seem right, because you clash present and past tense together. As such, it does not flow with the rest of the poem like it should. Maybe 'leaving a color splash smeared against the sky' would be better.
With your line, 'a small breeze seems to sweep me off my feet' I have multiple problems. The first is your use of 'small'. Breezes aren't small or big, but they are instead measured in power. 'A light breeze' would suffice here. Secondly, I didn't exactly understand the last part. The breeze 'seemed' to sweep your narrator of her feet, so why put it there? Why does your narrator feel this way, and what really happened in place of what your narrator thought?
Anyway, that's all for now. I had a pleasure reviewing your story, and don't be afraid to PM me if you have any questions! ^^
Ta Ta.
I love your mind
And I think this piece colors a dreamy picture for readers. I do have a few suggestions!
Bravo! I offer you my applause!