Through the graveyard I walk alone,
No one stands by my side.
I stop by a crumbling grave,
My eyes cry my heart's remains.
The love you gave me fades away,
There is no love within you.
We live within the same four walls,
But the worlds we're in still differ.
You go to work, I stay at home,
I frown as you drive away.
Though I know you don't love me,
My heart remains the same.
It's gotten worse than I had thought,
There's nothing left at all.
The talking stopped, the love is gone,
You're here but yet you're gone.
You sit down at our lonesome table,
Not a word escapes your lips.
I grab the knife before me now,
And save whatever's left.
The blood surrounds my buckling ankles,
The life has left your eyes.
I never knew how far I'd go,
To end this false disguise.
Through the graveyard I walk alone,
No one stands beside me.
I stand by your breaking grave,
As it mourns my dying soul.
Turning fast, I walk away,
Never shall I return.
You didn't love me, but I don't care,
This passion will endure.
------------
I wrote this to see how long it would take me to write a poem. This was written between 9:38 and 9:51. What do you think?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The rhythm here feels strange. In syllables, it's '8,6,7,7' which seems fine that way. But read aloud there's something a little off. Maybe the second line should be rewritten. I adore the last line though. It's very nice imagery.
Here the last line is off, just a smidge. Maybe if you kept with the imagery of 'within' mentioned in the previous two lines, and go off of that?
I think the third line would be better as "Though I know our love has left" or something to that effect. The 'you don't love me' just sticks out when read out loud.
Maybe the repetition of 'gone' isn't quite as powerful as it should be here. I'm not quite sure what you should to rectify that though.
Oh, I do like this stanza. Nothing to say here, and I like the last line. The reader really understands the desperation of the narrator, and feels a pang of sympathy despite being horrified at what they are about to do.
Again, a great piece. This is probably my favorite stanza out of the entire piece, and I like all of this poem!
Looping back to the beginning of your poem was a nice touch, it almost feels like a song, and this is the end. I think the word 'beside' might be better than just 'by', but you've already used it in the second line, so I guess that would be repetitive.
A nice outro. The subtle consonance of the 'r's certainly sounds pretty to the ears, although I'm not sure that was purposeful or not. Good word choice though, throughout the entire poem.
I love the pictures you illustrated, it's heartbreaking and beautiful, all in one. Nice work, and I'm quite impressed by your talent to write so well in a short amount of time. Good work, I wish I had more detailed things to say. But hopefully you think of something to improve, because as nice as this poem is, I get the feeling something can be done to make it even more powerful than it already is.
Best of luck,
octo