Young Writers Society

The poem had a certain kind of spirit it till the end.I never lost interest for a single moment.

I liked the way you showed the readers in the poem that, in the end, a dead person is just another dead body to the world and it makes no difference.

The imagery was highly effective .

Keep the good work coming.

Thank you all for your comments. The response was certainly unexpected. If you look now, you will notice the last stanza was cut out (for obvious reasons). I am thinking of putting something else there, as I am toying with giving the line "No one cares" brand new meaning in the end. It seems some people really like the "No one cares" and others don't. I hope to fix that with a new ending. Again, I really am thankful for your comments and enjoyed writing this very much. Look for the new ending soon.

I thought the poem was beautiful and had a lot of soul put into it. You were part of the poem - the story - and that's what I liked best about it. Because of your part in the poem, it made it more realistic for me. The lines were great, the imagery breath-taking; but alike many others, the last bit was awkward for me. You could've put that at the beginning, in some sort of OOC type of dealy... But at the end, where I feel the story is at its most important, I lost the feel and rythmn of the poem. Overall, however, very nice.

First of all I really liked this poem (much like all the reviewers by the looks of it =) ). There's not much I can add that hasn't already been said, but i really just wanted to add a bit about the repetition of "no one cares." I liked the repetition of that line as the repeptition, for me, kept drumming home the truth of this man's lonliness and, I thought, imitated how it probably would be like for the character, constantly being reminded of it. Like other reviewers I also wasn't too comfortable with the last stanza but i don't think it detracted from the over all experience of the poem. So really just well done and thanks [for the poem]

That was beautiful! You used so much imagery in every thing - oh, it was magnificant! I could feel the helplessness and dispare and the isolation. Though I thought that the ending was belittling the whole poem. It could have been nicer! Overall brilliant!

Hey Fading dream, I'm June!

fading-dream wrote:The grave sits awkwardly on this silent hill,
Stands tall and proud yet crooked and wrong.
No one visits this dead soul,
Even the wind keeps its distance.
No one cares.

An organ plays in a stone-cold church,
The melody sad, lonely and coarse.
No one listens to this lost pianist,
No one hears the tortured notes.
No one cares.

The reader links these pointless things,
"What's the point in this stupid poem"?
Well if you look then you will know,
Every stanza describes one man and his dying soul.
No one cares... Will you?

Hello there!!



Well, first off, I'd like to say that I liked how you didn't name the poem "No one cares", you named it "No one". I thought that was clever and unique, since most people would name it "No one cares". I really liked this poem by the way! And, unlike the other reviewers, I thought the "No one cares" was great! It wrapped up the life of that person, because, literally, no one cared. This poem was really good! It had good wording and imagery, which is really good!! I have nothing bad to say about this poem. The theme of this poem, though, was definitely my favorite because it was something other than the regular subjects!

Great job my dear! Keep it up!!



~*Hailey,<3

Hey there! ^_^ My name's Hannah!

Alright, let's get right down to business. There are two main ways that a repetitive poem like this can end: either the message stays the same, right down to the end, or it changes somehow. Believe it or not, most people think that if it stays the same, that would be boring and cliche, when really, EVERYONE adds that twist at the end to try to be original, and /that/ ends up being what we expect. I expected the end of this poem to say something different, and it did. I didn't really want to be right. I wanted this poem to keep the same message throughout.

Besides that, though, your last stanza kind of ruined the poem for me. o_O; That sounds really mean, but I'll explain it to you. You stepped outside of the poem and presented yourself as an object in the poem. For the first part of it, the poem was about the man you were talking about, and that's how it was supposed to be. That was your subject. But when you cut in and speak to the reader directly, remind us that we're reading a poem, or something like that, YOU step into the spotlight and the rest of the poem takes a back seat. D: Why would you want that? I don't think the last stanza is necessary at all.

I also agree with Jasmine about cutting out the 'no one cares'. You really do a fantastic job of creating the lonely feeling through your imagery and description. This shows that you /are/ a good poet, but that you maybe tend to overdo it, when you should let your words stand on their own.

I would also like you to go through the poem in some kind of organization. I feel like you switch back and forth from the child to the man, and I think it would make it clearer to the reader if you went through chronologically. Start with the objects, that's fine, but then go to the child, then up to the dead man by his grave. It won't kill the poetry.

And finally, to fix the punctuation errors in this poem, take out the line breaks and punctuate it like it's prose, then break it again where you broke it before. Then you'll have correct punctuation. =]

Favorite lines:

The grave sits awkwardly on this silent hill,

Even the wind keeps its distance.

A child sits on a broken bench,

He runs his hand on its splintered edge.

I really liked this. as soon as you start reading it you get really into it and the mood just kind of takes over. It put me in a mood that was sad- because of the man but also mad-because nobody cared about him. overall it was really good.

I really like this, I can see the things happening. It also gives a good sorta twisted message. Oh and yes I have always cared.

Hi. You have some good imagery here, such as;
"The grave sits awkwardly on this silent hill,"

"An organ plays in a stone-cold church, "

and

"A child sits on a broken bench,
He runs his hand on its splintered edge."

and

"at the edge of night. "

I'd cut all the "No one cares"'s- they force your point upon the reader too much, and you've already made your message clear through your imagery. I'd also cut the whole of the last stanza for the same reason-it makes this too preachy.

I'd also add a comma after "lonely".

I think that it would be an interesting exercise to take any one of these images, the one that means the most to you personally, and make a whole poem out of it, looking more closely at the character in question, and showing the reader, rather than telling them that people are oblivious to their pain. Show the characters who are ignoring your central character.

Hope this helps.

Jas