Dear Santa

Dear Santa;

This year for Christmas, I don’t want anything. There are a few reasons for my request which I will go into soon. I hope you don’t find me too rude or bad, though I guess it really doesn’t matter as I don’t even want coal this year. Anyway, I’ll get onto it.

I find you creepy and a little weird. Once a year, you come down children’s chimneys to bring them gifts. Not only are you guilty of breaking and entering, but you go behind the backs of parents to deliver things to children. You enter their houses while they are sleeping, drink their milk (which, by the way, is pretty expensive), eat all of their snacks and deliver who-knows-what to little, innocent kids.

Worse is the fact that you know when they are sleeping. Many nights before Christmas I have laid awake on my bed, terrified of any sounds or noises that should disturb me. Since no one sees you, whose to say what else you do while we, the children, sleep. Is your wife creepy too? Does she approve of this borderline pedophilia? And how do you make a list? How do you know who has been good or bad? I have come to the conclusion that you are always watching, which raises serious concerns.

Another scary thought is your use of slave labour. You force midgets and children to go to your shack in the coldest place on Earth. You deprive them of their parents, any home, and any sense of freedom. How can you laugh so jollily? How can people allow this? You also, somehow, stunt their growth. What happens when that doesn’t work? What do you do with the elves (which is very racist of you) who die. I’ve never read of anyone returning from the North Pole, nor has anyone else. You force them to wear hideous green clothes and build toys for others while they get none. Do they even get statutory pay for working over the holidays? Do they get paid?

You also have an endangered species, the reindeer, whipped and force them to be mutated into flying creatures. You make them travel the world while endangering their lives. Do you check the structural integrity of the houses they land on? They could fall through at any moment! They could die!

So, Santa, I don’t want anything from you. You are a creepy, old man who likes to sneak into sleeping children’s houses. Please stay away, far away, from me and my family, or there might just be a fire in your doorway.

Sincerely, Jaret Martens