Published June 10, 2009
I walk through the room of skeletal remains,
I watch the man jump, watch him as he hangs.
The bell rings true and strong,
The shadows grow to show what we did wrong.
The murderers live happy, the druggies remain,
The good people dead, noble and slain.
But it's alright, don't cry my child,
It hurts only for a bit, then the pain grows mild.
Be glad that life is leaving you today,
The pain will finally go away.
I leave your body on the ground,
Laugh as I leave the paradise you found.
Your crying stops and your soul departs,
I'm glad we helped the dying hearts.
This bloodbath here, our daily "meth",
The dead lie here, in this tomb of death.
I walk through the room of skeletal remains,
What's the point now that you're slain.
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I wrote this poem because I never write poems that rhyme. I tried to challenge myself and this is what I came up with. It only took about 15 minutes but I figured I might as well post it.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Wow...that was really good. I agree with the others about some of the lines being too long. I'm sure you can edit that very easily.
I never thought of any concept like the one you so poetically introduced. Happiness in death, but sadness in life? That's deep.
Apparently, you have more of a knack for poetry than you realized!
I absolutly love this. It is amazing!
The only thing is that a couple of lines are to long and it messes it up.
Besides that I love this, and I think you should write more!
-Flower-
Excellent! I love your choice to make this a short poem because the lesson is so simple and so poignent. Excellent. But just because I had a couple rough reviews im going to nitpick
A few of the lines were a little too long and they ruined the flow of the poem. I was going along with a great sense of rythm and then it was like BAM! too long of a line
"Smile, turn and walk" weigh down this line. They are unnessicary.
Perhaps you could rephrase the last line with something that could show the contradiction you were tring to illustrate like " Joyfully Abandon the paradise you found" or something like that. Omit unneeded words should be the cardinal rule for poets (that i often ignore
Other than that I loved the poem. Flow was good, ryhme was solid and the imagery was very moving.