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139,820 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Deleted what...? - is the real question. You leave me yet to wonder what you were thinking about when you wrote this...Maybe life? Maybe death? I dont know..Its something, in this case, only you will know..But I would like to know
I don't understand.
Ok, maybe I do, but I read it with a disparaging expression mixed with an undecipherable confusion.
I suppose - and this is just a guess - that you've tried to express, what professionals would call 'a stream of consciousness'. Don't get me wrong. I adore the term. However, even streams of consciousness have to have margins.
You've done a paragraph of drama. I see that. In fact, if this were a script, it would make a fantastic visual scene. The problem is, it isn't a script. In fact, it's not even on TV.
Don't take this the wrong way: I love your idea.
What you have to do, however, is lose the brackets. Yes, you heard me. I know, I know, they're so convenient!
No. Don't do it. Delete. Lose them.
I mean, forgive me for being a tad callous, but: "Tissue paper (green leaves / black boots)"
...it makes me want to lie down on the floor in fatal position crying, "WHYYYYYY".
This piece is good. If you want people to read it and read it again (and not the way I did), then I would lose the brackets and elaborate.
I won't tell you how to write this story - with all honesty, it's yours and I have no right to correct that.
However, if it were me, as example:
"A sanguinary glimpse of life. A cacophony breaks into being, its existence like poison. Screams. I hear breaking. Arms pushing foliage aside violently. I remember the black of the boots. Black like night. They contrast so suddenly with the pretty green."
My point? You could elaborate so prettily. It could be really good.
All in all, it is startlingly dramatic. If this were in a novel, it would be the terrifying climax. It's like a Krispy Kreme donut. Not every day. Once a year kind of thing.
I do like it though. Enrapturing.
Also I noticed the word sanguinary more than once. I discourage repetition of the same words in a small proximity (unless it is obviously deliberate technique), and it is so much more stand-out when the word is as startling as 'sanguinary'.
Good luck writing, I'll be reading more of your work, I hope.
NightWriter x