Chapter 1
Four days ago, a man by the name Jonathan Waterson was sent a death threat. The motive? Unknown. But taking into account that Waterson is the CEO of Oracle Enterprises, I’m almost certain that it’s about money.
Waterson’s daughter, Valerie, is a friend of sorts. She’s the reason why I decided to investigate anyway. Said investigation has led me to an alley in New York. Sure, there might be hundreds of alleys in NY, but only one has the sender of the threat. How am I cetain? Because I know the sender personally. Or, rather, senders. And they’ve agreed to meet me. And by meet, they mean “attempt to kill”.
My name is Ace Crawford. I am the real New York’s finest. Well, unaccredited, but that’s unimportant. And I am currently in a situation that would make a lesser man cower. But I am no lesser man. Certainly not.
There are two men. The fellow with the handlebar mustache and scar across his lip is armed with a 1985 Smith and Wesson 645. He’s left handed, evident by the fact that the gun is crudely hidden on the right side of the waistband of his pants. He’ll strike simultaneously with his companion.
His friend, on the other hand, is significantly bigger than the former. No shirt. His hands are gloved, but the telltale bumps of concealed brass knuckles are evident. He’ll aim for my head. A swift duck and a punch to his sternum should suffice. Ahh, there we are. The fight commences. They’re here to kill.
The 645 is whipped out and aimed at me, while a fist barrels toward my face. I duck, punch, and slip between the bigger man’s legs, the ball of my heel slamming into the gunman’s ankle. He slips and drops the gun. I grab, unload, then throw it into a nearby garbage bin. The bigger man is back on his feet. I’m surprised. That blow should have knocked him out.
I shrug and take my jacket off, throwing it over his head and then jumping onto his shoulders. I whoop and he barrels blindly toward a nearby wall. I let a smile grace my face as I jump off. I pull my jacket back on and resume my walk through the quiet alley. It’s off to quite a good start.
But, contrary to anybody’s belief, those two men weren’t the senders.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
There is a reason why there are so many reviews on this story. It's good, very good. I like the way you wrote in first person easy to follow up with. I liked the story immensly as i believe everyone else did,you have the potential but it needs more story a little more depth do that and i'll read everything that follows up to this.
Nope, no intrigue for me.
You begin with a somewhat arrogant character knocking the crap out of a couple of his assailants. I should wonder why they're after him, but I don't, because he's New York's finest and that in and of itself is motive.
I should feel intrigue by your narrator's candidness in addressing the audience, but I don't because I don't care one jot about him as a character. You haven't given me reason to. Besides Chuck Norris would beat him to a pulp.
We learned a little about him as a character by his easy attitude, but a man is not an island. Even James Bond needs the Bond girl and the villain to highlight his awesomeness. It is character interaction that creates intrigue and emotional investment, you see.
So your opener should be fine, but it needs to be more than a little scene in which a guy beats up a couple of bullies with a gun. I've seen way better than that in the movies. It needs to be a real scene where characters are established in character interaction and the story really begins to unfold. Perhaps a platform for the tension is established. Whatever the case, you need to give us a chunk of your story that we want to bite and hold on to for a little while.
This was mildly entertaining, and it had some interesting literary tricks and gimmicks but it just wouldn't do it for me. I would put it down.
Hope this helped.
Thanks for the honest review!
But I'm disturbed by the lack of your inverted grammar. Too lazy to remember the proper grammatical term.
Hey, Symmetry.
Let me start off by saying that you MUST add more to this, because I absolutely love it! It's definitely something I want to continue reading.
One thing in your introduction is that you might want to elaborate on what Ace means by being New York's finest, because many people might be lost at what you mean by this..
I love that you describe at how just by simply studying his opponent, Ace can figure out what tactic will be used by the opponent.
Other than elaborating a tad more and extending this peice, I don't see any place where I can critique you much further as for improvement.
Over all, I indeed am impressed and would love to read more. Great job!
Hi, TazmaniaGirl to review here!
( I forgot to click review, so I'm going to repeat this, okay?)
Posatives -
May I say, this is a great read so far. I'm not usually into this kind of thing, but I like New York ( even though I've never been!) and you've instantly dragged me in.
I love the flow, and the ultimate description you've put into this.
I would like to hear more.
Negatives -
Are you ready for this...
I HAVE NONE!
OVERALL -
Give yourself a pat on the back, and please, I'd love to hear more!
~ TazmaniaGirl xx
Hi, TazmaniaGirl to review here!
Posatives -
May I say, this is a great read so far. I'm not usually into this kind of thing, but I like New York ( even though I've never been!) and you've instantly dragged me in.
I love the flow, and the ultimate description you've put into this.
I would love to hear more.
Negatives -
Get ready for this....
I HAVE NONE!
OVERALL-
Give yourself a pat on the back, and please, I'd love to hear more!!!!!!!
Hey, Pix here!
I really like this peice. Though, I don't really understand the way you peiced it. Like-
In that paragraph is Ace talking about what's happening to him in that very moment?
When writing, you have to think about what you would do if you were in you're character's position. If you were Ace...what would you do to stop them? You kind of just described what's happening. You just put it there. You need to get deep into the situation, add more detail.
Overall, I would give this work a 7/10.
~Katie.
Hiya!
First off I would start with, great job spacing! It was easy to read the whole thing steadily. And actually you had a good tone throughout as well.
My first critique though would be that you might want to name it "Ace Crawford: New York's Finest Part 1" You would have gotten so much more to the reader had it been longer. The idea of a (secret agent?) would be completed if more was explained. Not everyone will know what you mean by New York's finest, and not everyone will know who he is. And what his job is.
No one really knows where the story is heading next though, so that was a good ending in my opinion! The fight scene was in it's way exciting, and overall keep at it! I would really suggest more explanation and more details though.
Thewritersdream
Little I can add here, as most people have already picked up on the flaws, which are few and far between. I can tell you that the whole time I read this (and re-read) it I was jumbling through my mind to find a voice fitting of the narrator: I tried the narrator from Bastion (YouTube if you don't know), the James Bond and various others, before finally setting on Samuel L. Jackson, as he's the only one who's got enough of an attitude to match that of your character!
Other than that, I want MOAR! (Just kidding, take your time, no need to rush!)
Oh wow, Ace the character, you got the swag!
And for the hand that wrote this, WOW. You created a story that is actually too short for me, because I'm loving it. i can't complain anything about anything on this writing. Really. It's just perfect. The imagery, the character, settings and all. It's literally, PERFECT!
This is one story I actually WANT to read. No offence to the others but your writing has so much attitude, it's impossible not to like it!
The main character's proud and arrogant and believes he's the best. You've got room for major character development.
One thing that confuses me is this:
He’s left handed, evident by the fact that the gun is crudely hidden on the waistband of his pants. He’ll strike simultaneously with his companion.
His hands are gloved, but the telltale bumps of concealed brass knuckles are evident. He’ll aim for my head.
I really don't see how he could come to those conclusions. At least the first one. How can he know that the dude's a left hander by where his gun is hidden (which is on the waistband of pants)? I can't see how he could figure this fact out unless he read the guy's mind or something.
The second one, lucky for you, is easier to figure out. Metal knuckles=Sick thwap on the head. Kinda obvious.
I thought your MC's actions and emotions flowed well together, perfectly balanced, really. Can't really find anything bad in here, not even grammatical errors... You're good to go!
Now, let me get out of your hair before I go fan girl mode and start shouting out " I love this!!" Oh, wait, I already did.
I'm actually overwhelmed. I seldom feel that, but I'm overwhelmed! Just... thank you.
Definitely intriguing. You've got a pretty good beginning here. There are just a few quick problems I'd like to address:
You should consider a different first sentence. I get that you're trying to make it seem clear, succinct, and straight-forward, but starting your novel with "My name is blah" makes it a bit cliched and unappealing to continue.
Most people, if most people will allow me to speak for them, don't know what 1985 Smith or a Wesson 645 is other than we (meaning I) am pretty sure they're guns? Not very descripted; that he has two guns? with him.
I don't see how a crudely hidden gun would make it evident that he's left-handed. Maybe you mean it was hidden on the left side of his waist band, but you don't actually say that so maybe you should word that differently so it's less confusing.
Why would someone be punching your MC while his friend was shooting at him? Wouldn't he be scared his hand would get shot off? It's a bit confuzzling.
I don't understand completely why you placed this under humor, though maybe that'll come out later. The problem with that is the readers will be caught off gaurd when the humor does enter, thinking that they're reading a mystery only to discover in the middle that it's really humorous. (Maybe you mislabled it, in which case, you'll just have to change the lable.)
How is Ace Crawford different from Sherlock Holmes? I'm sure he is, but we don't know him well enough to see how. You should make the differences between characters more evident.
All in all, it's quite interesting and I'd love to read the next chapter. Tell me when you get it up and I'd love to read and review it for you!
I liked this piece like most other works I have read lately and I don't' see much room for improvement besides a little expansion. I let a smile grace my face as I jump off. I pull my jacket back on and resume my walk through the quiet alley. It’s off to quite a good start.
See the its' in that sentence shouldn't' it be im' ?I do really like the the noire feeling you have going.