Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Chapter One
I looked up from my silver apple computer to check the time again, 6:43.
I've been working for an hour and a half. I glanced out of my window, which was across from me, only to meet a tree connecting my house to an empty one. That house had been empty for years, I wonder why nobody took it? Ghosts or somethin'?
Brushing my annoying, and simple -mind you- blonde hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ears. Some people said they loved my hair, but who would want annoying blonde hair that cant even fall straight down- rather would pretend to be straight and then when you actually look it the mirror - Wam! Waves.
I closed the Google Docs tab, already growing bored with the English assignment at hand. I opened another tab, typing in just an 'f' Facebook already popped up. I smiled, I go on it so many times, and recently that my laptop already knows, smart thing.
I log in, typing my password. The blue logo comes up and I see I have three missed notifications. I click on them and find one was from my best friend, Cara, and the others were just some stupid thing about attenuating an event near you. As soon as I click on her notification a private message comes up from her,
From Cara Gatting
Oh look, the good girl is online! :)
To Cara Gatting
Oh shut up, slut. You're annoying as shit. I hate you. <3
Yup, that's our friendship. She wasn't a slut, and she knew I hated being called a good girl. I smiled at our messages, she could always make me smile. Any time of day. We had met in third grade. Little old me struggling to get up higher on the swing, bold young Cara came up and started pushing. We did that everyday, until I had the courage to talk to her atleaset.
From Cara Gatting
You know you love this slut. ;) Anyways, are you doing anything. I'm bored as high hell.
To Cara Gatting
;) Nope, come on over.
From Cara Gatting
You know me so well.
After her last message she logged off almost instantly. I smiled and logged off as well. I reached for my phone to call her as I shut my laptop down. Dialing her number, a few rings she picked up.
"Hey! On my way, Danial has the car. I have to wait for his lazy ass to get out of it," She groaned. Danial was her sex addict god brother. Every girl loved him. Except me, of course. He was attractive I admit, but I couldn't like my best friends brother. "Danial! Get your lazy fucking ass out of the car damn it!" She yelled before I could even answer. I smiled - typical, typical Cara.
"Come on, Cara. I have icecream." With that Cara took it up a notch without even replying to me.
"Danny boy![1] Come onn! She has ice cream! ICE CREAM!" She yelled as I laid on my bed. I heard her brother respond something back, thought it was only muffled and I laughed softly.
An out-of- breath Cara returned to the phone, surprisingly it was quite. "Alright, he's out. Coming over, bitch."
Cara and I were polar opposites, she had a B- in almost every class, she enjoyed men, like.. Yeah. Sex. She loved it. Not to say I don't, I have needs. I'm not a virgin, though the only person who knows is Cara. You really could find out what each of us wanted to do by knowing what the other wanted. Cara wanted to go away for collage, I didnt. She wanted heels, I wanted flats. Simple.
I smiled. We chatted for a while while she drove over, which was really only about ten minutes. After hanging up, I hopped down the stairs to my mother, scrolling on her phone while the television was on in front of her. Going to the kitchen I called, "Mom? Is it okay if Cara comes over?" I ask, grabbing left over mashed potatoes.
"Sure, although I'm sure she's already coming,"
"Yup," I replied cheerfully. As almost on Que, Cara rang the door bell. My mother stood up and greeted her at the door. The sun was still shining and the red on Cara's hair looked great. Walking over to me, she smile.
>>-<<
"Hey! You have new neighbors by the way." She smiled and winked as she laid on my bed eating the icecream I promised. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I know that smile. Nope. That was the 'You have neighbors who have a hot boy' smile. Cara grinned and walked over to my window, staring intently hoping to catch a glance.
"I bet hes not even that hoooo- oh.." My words were cut off to find a tall male about 5"8' placing a box down in the room across from mine. His hair fell over his eyes, and he was shirtless. I rolled my eyes, not wanting to give the impression he had power over me. Cara smiled sweetly at the male when he stood up. He caught her gaze and winked. Cara giggled. He didn't see me thankfully and I pulled Cara away.
"Whatever, come on," I sighed. I glanced back at the window again to see the same male as still as could be. His eyes pierced into me and I shivered. Goosebumps arose on my skin and I shook it away. I turned away, ignoring Cara's protests to stay. This was stupid. She was being so immature, like a five year old who had just found its lost toy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
Honestly, I feel this was incredibly cliched. Quirky best friend? Check. New neighbor? Check. Texting? Check. Somewhat prudent protagonist? Check. Shirtless scene? You're ready to be the most generic romance story known to man.
With that said, though, generic can always be entertaining. You have a romance story that's inevitably going to lead to the reveal that the boy is a werewolf and the girl must tame him, yada yada, but at the same time you can always poke fun in the genre to make it more entertaining. However, that's just a narrative choice I'd make, if I were ever presented with something of this caliber.
Some problems I had:
-The texting needs to be separated from the dialogue, it's annoying at times. Try putting them in italicization, it usually helps.
-"Brushing my annoying, and simple -mind you- blonde hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ears." Sentence subject, where are you? Try: "Brushing my annoying, and simple -mind you- blonde hair out of my face, I tucked it behind my ears and went off."
-"We did that everyday, until I had the courage to talk to her atleaset." At least.
-"As almost on Que, Cara rang the door bell" almost on cue.
The biggest problem I have with this story, in its current state, is its lack of entertainment. Not all books have to provoke the thought, but if they don't teach one anything books must at least entertain the reader. For me, at least, that did not occur. You could go interesting places with this if you want, but you have not shown that in its current state.
Hope for the best.--EM.
This is Yams here for a review!
I don't know if I like this or dislike this so far, but here we go.
God, your characters are kind of annoying but they're also kind of real. Like, I bet I could go out and find people like this. Your main character is the blonde but is also more than that.
My other plus: You write cleverly. Like when you had the 'f' appear and it immediately went to facebook and things. I liked that.
With the girls and the shirtless guy and if there's werewolves-- you could make this satire. Werewolf story satire and it would work out pretty well.
Now onto my complaints:
You have a shirtless guy in here for what reason? I mean, yes, I bet guys to leave their shirts off to show off to other girls, but I feel like it might turn into the cliche Edward from Twilight "hot guy" that wins over the main character because he sparkles. I really don't want this to happen. Make it interesting.
By the title, I think the guy is a werewolf, which I feel like is pretty predictable since he's shirtless and my mind has been turned to assume any shirtless "hot guys" are werewolves. If so, I wish you would've made it less predictable? You could introduce a like, really shut in character and make /him/ the werewolf. Maybe the character even didn't like showing skin because he was hairy or something.
I don't like how the characters are supposed to be like, polar opposites. Cara and the main. I don't think opposites would even be friends to be honest, maybe make them a little more similar?
Cliche "hot guy" probably also thinks he's hot so why not make it a thing were he only thinks he's attractive. That'd be kinda funny.
The main says she won't give into his "hotness" so please don't make her do that. You could make her push the guy away or something like that or something.
My main complaints of where this is going, and it could go sour, or it could go good places.
Have a great day!