I'm starting my writing and wrote this as either a preview or just a fun, random story thing. It's obviously not done. Mostly I just wanted to have someone read my writing , so please help review or just enjoy.
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Chapter ?
(sorry but I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to call this O.o)
Title: ?
I woke to the the dead silence of the on-going night. The shadows of my room were still out and about, slowly creeping as if to prey on any light that had not been extinguished. Though not looking like it, it was actually 6:00am, time to get ready. My legs slowly cracked along the floor boards with each step, my body not yet used to the sensation of gravity. I slipped my sulking legs into a pair of straight leg jeans and grabbed the first random blouse I could find. Then, with the small amount of strength I still had, I lifted my monstrous book bag around my shoulders and made my way out my house's red, shutter doors.
My Grey garage door came up slowly, almost torturing me, as my arms gave way to the mercy of my backpack. a long *boom* echoed from the force of my bag while the burning silence crept on. No cars or dog walkers would be even thinking about coming into the streets this early, not in my neighborhood for that matter. My rusted, purple bike read my name Anna on it in black, faded sharpie right below the silver of the handlebar. It may have been the worst ride to have in the whole state of Michigan, but I was just excited to have anything to use in order to ride to school.You see, my house is a few long miles away from Clemens High, a walk in the winter to the dreaded place would probably be enough to stop you straight in your tracks from going anywhere.But, To my dismay I continued on to the frozen tundra of my dying neighborhood to come to the one event that frightens all: first day of school.
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I know that was like nothing, but that's what I want. I thought maybe if I just showed you a bit of the writing, you would be able to judge whether you want to hear more or not. I don't know, it may be stupid and it may not, but that's what I did. so please help tell me what i need to do overall. more description? less description? or anything!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy well this is an intriguing start. There's a couple of lines in there that really make you wonder a couple of things. I think you've ended up setting the scene for a fairly normal morning here, but somehow in between what seems like it would be a part of pretty much any average person's normal routine you've managed to also slip in a tiny, tiny sense of unease. Perhaps its the extra attention to detail with some of the colors here because you seem to really gone quite specific with the colors of certain things that normally aren't mentioned so prominently and so you just sort of end up reading this with bated breath almost waiting for something to jump out of the gloom and tear this peaceful morning to pieces which is a rather powerful effect to start on there.
Hmm, well this one tells us quite a bit more as far as placing this whole scene in a somewhat recognizable context is concerned and now we're sort of stuck at a crossroads here. On one hand the style here with those extra specific descriptions in random spots is a bit overdone for a first day of school and it seems too dramatic, but then there is always the choice to lean into that drama because this is a first day of school and those do usually have a solid amount of drama to them. So I think depending on how you want to go this is either the perfect start here or something that needs to be toned down quite a bit to really work.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, I do my critique in bold in the quote for a more thorough look through stories etc.
Generally, I really like your style of writing. I am not intirely sure to be honest, but I love your description. I think you could improve it slightly here and there, but generally, very good. Although, sometimes they can be too long, but it hooks the reader to read on.
I think you should keep writing this, although I do not know what you will continue this with.
At the end of what you have posted, question really arise in the reader's mind... What's going to happen? Is it going to be a good day? Or a bad one? Will they meet some one new that's out of the ordinary? This really keeps the reader grasped in your story, which is good.
I wish you all the best!
I honestly think this is a pretty good beginning for the first two chapters of a book...BUT!
Your first paragraph focuses on many irrevelant details; you should focus on the character more and try to establish why she is weak or you should describe what is in her room to show what kind of girl she is.
The second Paragraph Focuses on the characters surroundings and I suggest you try to establish what type of enviroment she is, but otherwise I like how you make me want to read more of the story, and that is what all writers strive for right ^^'?
Hey TypeWriter ^^ I'm Shina and shall be your reviewer this afternoon.
Kind or ironic,don't you think? It sounds like the silence made her wake up when I think you're actually trying to say the MC woke up but everything around her was silent. You need to rephrase this to something like "My eyes struck open, welcomed by the deadsilence and emptiness of the night." I'm not really sure if that works, but I do know that there needs to be some rephrasing here.
Nice description, but I don't think "extinguished" should be here. Makes it seem like you wanted to be fancy. Just use "put out" because it works just fine. You don't need to add any silver-lining to an already nice sentence.
You said it was nighttime and now it's 6 a.m.? Also, at 6 am it's dark during the winter and fall.
If the house's red shutter isn't significant, you don't really need to take note of it. Also, no breakfast? No teeth-brushing? You could just say that she got ready for the day or something.
"Grey" shouldn't be captalized, and it's spelled "gray" unless you're in the UK. The first sentence makes no sense. You say the garage door comes up slowly and then it tortures the MC, but it's actually the backpack.Two separate things, dearie
Also, "echoed" should be in italics since it's a sound. Nice description, though.
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Positives: Your descriptions are really nice and your hook is decent. You show rather than tell ^^ Score!
Negatives: Your descriptions are sometimes too long, and get confusing. Don't silver-line where it's not necessary. Don't use a lot of words to describe a little. Only write what's necessary.
Also, your storyline is very, very cliche. First day of school? As the beginning of the book? Used many times before, so you might want to add a twist to it. Also, I see no confict other than the cliche first day of school deal.
Just work on the things I mentioned and I think it could turn out into something fine ^^ Good luck!
-Shina
I do not understand how someone could be awakened by silence. It would've been much better if you had Anna wake to her alarm clock or something.
The sentence would sound much better if you had said "Though not seeming so,"
These should be two seperate sentences.
Unless you are using "Grey," as a pronoun, it should not be capitalized.
"Boom" is better off italicized, and I do not think "Burning" is a good way to describe silence.
There should be a comma after "Name" and another after "Anna."
I think it's rather cliche' to use real-like namebrand items in fictitious stories, and if you are to use them "Sharpie" should be capitalized.
Not needed.
"The" should be added to this.
Overall: You're writing is okay. Not great, but okay. Maybe, since what is going on in the story right now is pretty bland, your skills do not really shine. There are plenty of grammical errors, so always check over your work before submitting it on here or showing it to other people. I don't know how long you have been writing, but I suppose this is an alright way to start off.
Hey! Okay, so first of all, I like this sentence, but I think you could add a bit more detail. Also, I think sulking legs sounds a bit awkward, but that's just my opinion. If you do decide to change it, maybe you could try sagging?
Why is that? You need to add more detail.
I like this sentence, especially how her name is written in sharpie (: that's pretty cool haha. Getting back to point, I think you need to replace some of the words, because it's a really boring sentence. Also, I'm kind of confused. Are you trying to say under the silver part of the handlebar? Because why would you write your name under your handlebar? Or, are you trying to say, under your SILVER(As in color) handlebar.
I agree with fallenangel, don't start the sentence with but. Just delete it, if you ask me (: It'll make the sentence stronger. I love how you used the word tundra. That's an awesome word (: haha.
So, overall I like this piece. But I think you should write more and expand it
Hello "eviltypewriter" : )
Welcome to YWS!
In regards to this piece of writing, I wonder if maybe it belongs somewhere other than Romantic Fiction, however, I don't know where the story is headed if you decide to continue it, so who knows!
Okay, just to be frank, this needs a little bit of work. I think you have a good idea working here, but there needs to be a little more detail and explanation. Why is she so weak? Why is the "grey garage door" torturing her? What is going on? : ) You get my point.
Alright, I don't think you need to capitalize "grey," and once again, we need information of why it's torturing her? Is she lifting it??
Capitalize the first letter of the sentence. I don't think you should use the cute little stars to emphasize "boom." Maybe try boom or even put it in quotations. It just looks better.
This wording is kind of jumbled up and confusing. Maybe you could try something like "My eyes scanned across the faded letters of my name--Anna-- on my rusted, purple bike, right below the silver of the handlebar." I don't know, it seems like you tried to come up with a creative way to introduce the character's name, which is great--but try to make it more natural.
Why is she excited to go to school?
Try not to start that sentence with "But." You could probably just omit that or replace it with "however." It just sounds better. Also, to better emphasize "first day of school," I would adjust the sentence to "the first day of school."
Okay, so overall, I honestly believe you could make something out of this. The suggestions I've offered are ones you could use or adjust to something preferrable to your own individuality. There isn't a lot for me to critique as far as your style of writing, but so far I think you're great! : )
Keep up the good work, I hope I helped!
Best of Luck,
FA