*Found Poetry(Invictus-William Ernest Henley)*
I had control once.
It went away.
I could not keep it.
No one could know.
No one can know.
Under the bludgeonings of chance,
I must survive.
I must be the indomitable, the insuperable, the invulnerable.
Under the burden of existence,
I must thrive.
I am obsessive.
I need to know.
I need to fix.
I need to start.
I need to finish.
But I have no control.
No control
No control
N--I had control once.
The downpour flooding my eyes makes it hard
To observe the blade making its dance,
Gracefully piercing my skin
To bring crimson cascades circling my wrists.
I had control once.
The shackles of flesh and blood,
restraining, trapping.
Every rise and fall condemns me to another sunrise.
There must be more life in death,
More vivacity in idleness.
One sharp inhale brings a smile.
It's almost here.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
I am happy.
Cold and bare, I am free.
I had control once.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi. I ask here to review and kick you out of the green room.
First off, I would like to say that it doesn't seem like rated 16 to me. Maybe 14 or 12 but still.
Second, I would to ask; is this about someone who slits their wrist? This is morally depressing and now I am sad. Guess your poem is that good huh?
I can't say much more because it had no mistakes that I can note. It is a very good poem. Keep writing, course wait til the green room isn't so overflowed though.
I wouldn't have put a rating on it, but you hsve to be careful when it's about suicide (so yes, it is about someone slitting their wrists).
Well it should be morally depressing, it's the point. xD
Thank you so much! :3
Hi there, Dream with review on your poem.
A quite interesting poem with a unique concept. I can feel a very convincing tone of voice as well as full of indomitable spirit. I can feel the strength that you give in this stanza.
Nice personification.
The only thing that looks a little 'over-zealous' here is a repetition of the 'no control.' It makes the poem more attractive, but if repeated until more than 3 times, for me, it has lost its impact. Diction and imagery also appears enthralling, I mean the mood really works certainly aided by strong diction. Overall, good poem to read! Keep it up.
Kudos, cheers
Hey!
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the criticism. On the 'no control
repetitions, some of it was errors when copy/pasting onto here, I kind of messed up and forgot to edit some, but I changed it now anyway I agree that it's a bit flagrant if it's repeated too many times! :3 Thanks so much for the review <3