Mi Puerto Rico.

by evfreak13

Published August 2, 2011

The 'rich port' of the Caribbean;
Rich in culture and beauty.
An azure sky up high, covered by a canopy of clouds.
Turquoise waters down below, surrounded by dark topaz sand.

The waves of the water kiss the shore in hello.
The omnipotent tropical heat scorches the sand during the day.
But at night,
the cool gentle rain soothes their burns.

The Sun smiles at El Yunque as it rises in the east.
A happy reinita chirps at the jade palm trees on the sand (as she soars over the land).
Her vibrant personality cheers the spirits of everyone.
The evening nears;
The Sun is just about part and the sky's face is streaked with orange tears.
“Don't”, he says and comforts his distressed friend.
Then, with a reluctant goodbye, he leaves.

As the night approaches, the moon strokes the Sun's fiery cheek as they trade posts.
Her daughters, the stars, giggle, too eager to go to bed.
With a simple gesture, she calms them.
The observant little coquí (perched on a tree), though shy,
Ventures to offer Her Majesty his assistance.
He then starts singing his light lullaby to ease them all to sleep.

We Boricuas are of Spanish, African, and Taino descent.
We are a very animated people with a colorful culture.
We celebrate for the smallest of things and welcome each other as if we are all family.
When we need, we help each other to succeed.
When we want to, we work hard to achieve.

But the environment is suffering.
Things are not what they used to be:
There are still the sugarcane and coffee fields where farmers still work hard like in the old days.
Although skyscrapers and hotels seem to take the place of these nowadays. :(
A bit of copper and nickel here and there.
Yet there seems to be concrete everywhere.
But I know we will find hope somewhere.

But let's not have such bitter thoughts linger in our heads.
Oh,Puerto Rico!
Such an island!
Incredible diversity of flora and fauna.
There can't be possibly be a better example of paradise!

Although overshadowed by the continents
and overwhelmed by the oceans,
The light of Borinkén shines through the island
and through its people.
No one can compare the radiant beauty of Puerto Rico,
the Jewel of the Caribbean.

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2013

Hey there! A little birdie told me you didn't get the Secret Santa reviews you sign up for, so I'm here to make that up for you on behalf of YWS Christmas Cheer. Hold on tight, and look for me on another of your works for your second review. Merry Christmas!

The omnipotent tropical heat scorches the sand during the day.
But at night,
the cool gentle rain soothes their burns.


This is the first moment of this poem that I really love. I like it because it suggests a routine about the place that really solidifies the idea of PR as not just a location at the moment of your poem, but a location that's existed before the poem and will still exist when it's finished. The habit of day heat and night rains is concrete and real, and would be maybe a better opening for your poem.

The part I don't like about this poem is when you suddenly switch from a narrative into a we voice that directly addresses what you want to say about problems facing PR. I especially don't like it because the narrator then says, "but let's not think about that". Instead of describing these problems straightforward like you would in an essay, try to weave them into your poem better. You start with this lovely personification of the sun, the land, the stars, the moon, the water. You have lots of elements to play with without bringing in official humans. The spirit of all those who live in PR lives in the moon and the sun and the water by default.

So show me the way the sand is pushed aside as concrete rises where nickle and copper once sprouted. Show me how the trees stick to one another when they're afraid of the shrinking and ever-more cramped sugar cane fields. Don't give me the names of the human destruction directly. Give me the story of the land and we'll hear the people through that.

I love the authenticity of this. I'd like to see more of the bird, but less of the bird personified. For some reason, it's palatable to think of sun and moon and stars and water as people, but trying to give a bird intentions and thoughts seems weird. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I know the poem's a bit old. (: PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review!
Good luck and I'll see you over on one more piece!

User avatar
evfreak13
Comment
evfreak13 commented Comment · Aug 7, 2011

THank you so much! That's really nice. I'm really glad you felt that way about it. Puerto Rico is a beeeeeeautiful place!
thank you again for the review! ! :D

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DropsOfSummer Review
DropsOfSummer wrote a review Review · Aug 6, 2011

This was an amazing piece of writting! I felt like I was really there on the beaches of Puerto Rico and looking out at the tropical waters. Sounds like a beautiful place and you did an excellent job transporting the readers there, it was also grammatically well done too! Keep up the great writing!

DropsOfSummer

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evfreak13
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evfreak13 commented Comment · Aug 5, 2011

@ Jasmine Hart :
Thanks so much! I worked real hard on it. ;) The reason that stanzas six and seven don't match is because this was for a class assignment and I had to include something about the environment. So I wrote that part really fast...not exactly my best ones. :P Thanks for the help offer, I'll be sure to if I do! Love your sig, btw!

@ Emmaline49:
Thanks a lot! I tried to make as much of an image as I could (did that make sense?) in this poem. It's really a beautiful country. Thank you for the constructive criticism, I need it. :D Thanks again, and I will keep writing! Dig your sig too! lol !

User avatar
emmaline49
Review
emmaline49 wrote a review Review · Aug 4, 2011

This is a gorgeous poem, I just love the imagery you use, it's so colorful and descriptive.

"But the environment is suffering.
Things are not what they used to be:
There are still the sugarcane and coffee fields where farmers still work hard like in the old days.
Although skyscrapers and hotels seem to take the place of these nowadays."

I can certainly empathize with you and the way you feel about your country here, but maybe you could be a little more subtle? Of course, it's lovely either way and completely up to you.

:) Good work and keep writing!

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Jasmine Hart
Review
Jasmine Hart wrote a review Review · Aug 2, 2011

Hi,

This is so beautiful. Your imagery is wonderful and you create a great sense of place. The emotion of the speak comes through nicely without overwhelming the visual effect. I especially enjoyed:
"But at night,
the cool gentle rain soothes their burns."

and

"As the night approaches, the moon strokes the Sun's fiery cheek as they trade posts.
Her daughters, the stars, giggle, too eager to go to bed."

The ending is also great.

I think that stanzas six and seven take from the effect - the speaker's voice is too intrusive here, and I feel the blatant concern for the land would be better used in a separate poem where it could be given more room to breathe.

I'd read this aloud so that you can get a better sense of the sound of the piece and from doing this you will be able to tell which lines are too long and need to be cut or broken up.

A pleasure. Please P.M me if you have any questions.

Hope this helps,

Jas



And don't forget it's hydrate or diedrate
— zaminami