Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I placed my hand on the cold front door of our small house. I opened the door and the smell of peppermint filled my senses. I placed my backpack on the ground and stretched out my wings, they had been scrunched under my pack and had become stiff. I stretched and headed toward the kitchen. I opened the cupboard and got out the leftover spaghetti from last night. I wiped my eyes and scratched my horns, today had been hectic. New college with humans. Total nightmare. I placed the leftover in the microwave then headed to the small tv and turned it on. Then I heard a snap of something behind me. I turned to see if it was the cat, Hermes, but there was nothing there. I rolled my eyes. He was probably just hiding somewhere on the ceiling. I called out "kitty kitty where are you" and headed to the bathroom, but he wasn't anywhere. Then I heard a roaring sound behind me. I friend and saw he was behind me, purring extremely loudly. The small manticore had pale beige fur and curved ears, his stinger, which had been cut off by trappers when he was found, was wagging playfully. I picked him up and he nuzzled into me. Then something cold brushed against my feathers, like a cold breeze. I smirked, then walked forward. Then a huge black mist covered all corners of my vision. There was a flash of teeth and nail, and there was a loud hissing sound as a huge carnivermous [i]monster[/i] filled the space and…
"Hey Ky. Next time you try and scare me, I would reckoned making sure the cat isn't following you."
The looming mass shrunk until it was the size of a averaged sized girl, all black with piercing yellow eyes and purple and blue tinged smoke flowing off of her. She floated a few inches off the ground.
"Pff. Like [i]you[/i] would do any better."
I shrugged and headed back to the couch, Hermes walking besides me, tiny wings flapping uselessly on his back.
"Lets watch some telly before we study," said Kyan, drifting over the couch.
"Fine, but only for half an hour. I have to translate my Latin."
They sat down and relaxed, and soon they had fallen asleep, Hermes curled up between them.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! We spoke earlier about this, but now that I see the whole story I'd like to elaborate on the critiquing bit.
Like I mentioned before, just as a reminder: take your time to make it less choppy, work on organizing your thoughts.
Other than that, I think another big issue is poor dialogue. All the quotations seem awkward and make little sense concerning the story itself. Think it over, try using proper capitalization and punctuation in dialogue just to be consistent with the rest of the story, and see what you can do.
Next thing I wanted to point out is your formatting. There's a huuuge chunk of stuff at the top, and it should be split up into sections I feel like, for the sake of clarity. The way you have it is rather clunky and confusing at times, and is all in one, which leaves you a bit breathless after reading it all. Separating it into individual parts will give you a bit of a break between information, because it all needs to be processed by the reader in order for the story to make sense.
(And I see that YWS's double-spaced space formatting is making this a bit tricky for dividing line for you as well, but hopefully you can try and work on that in the future, because honestly, I still have no clue how to fix that.)
Hope I helped!
-amelie.
Hey,
Overall I think the story is extremely imaginative and interesting.However, there are a few mistakes you will find if you check over it such as "I freind and...". Im also confused about you use of and I don't know if this is intensional and if it is could you explain as I haven't seen it before and would be interested to know.
Your sentences are varied however in my opinion some of them are to long and would be more effective if you split them up.
Like I said I think this is very creative and I haven't seen a piece of work similar to this. I would love to see a continuation of this story and other pieces of work you do in the future
MrBarcher
Thanks so much for the good critique! Sorry for the errors I wrote all this down sort of fast, just to get it out, you know? I just joined this site today and I was extremely excited to post my idea right away and get Croatian to make it better. I'll be sure to write with this in mind next time. Thanks!
-Everett