Hello,
This story... well, I've got lots to say about this one.
First, I'll start with some positives. I really like how you described the action sequences. Those can be tricky to pull off, and I thought you did a very nice job. You also really captured the frenzied and frantic environment, which, again, can be hard to articulate. Props for that.
I liked the suspense of this chapter, the anxiety and intensity. You're good at setting that tone, and seem quite adept at this sort of story. It is rough (I'll get to that in a minute), but beneath the roughness, there definitely seems to be something good here. I feel like you can totally pull off this genre and plot and do it justice with your writing. (Justice—ha.)
Now for the other stuff.
So, the roughness. Let's talk about that. The main issue here is that this reads more or less like a summary or overview. You skip over and rush through a lot of the good stuff, and the ratio of action to dialogue to thoughts to description is not proportionate. This sort of reads like: "First A happened, then B, then C." Just one event after another, and none of them are very detailed. None of them feel vivid or infused with life, and that's a problem.
I don't really get a sense of the characters based on this, either. They seem just sort of there to act out the action sequences, and not like actual people in the midst of fighting or chaos. I would've liked to have gotten more of a sense of Ever, at the very least.
Also, the way this is structured is kind of odd. There's wayyyy too many paragraph breaks, leading to each paragraph being composed of just one or two sentences. It looks weird and reads strangely. No one wants a big block of text, but also don't be afraid to have some meaty paragraphs; skipping to a new one after just a sentence or two is really not a great habit.
Another issue is the sheer amount of typos and grammatical errors in this. Always reread your work—not just once, but multiple times. I cannot stress that enough. You have to edit, absolutely must, and a lot of the superficial mistakes in this (e.g., typos) could've been cleared up with just one simple read-through.
Anyway. Speaking of superficial typos, time for some nitpicks:
taking a test on Les Misérables
"Les Miserables" should be italicized.
But only a few seconds later there was another even louder crash at the far end of the hallway near our door.
At this point, the test was no longer the priority, and they all gathered around as the teacher quickly told us to get back into our seats as a load scraping sound was heard.
You switch from third-person to first-person here. Gotta watch for that.
There seemed to be no series injuries,
Serious injuries.
but Ever couldn't hear in her right ear, the ringing was slowly dying down and she slowly got to her feet.
Incorrect comma, and "slowly" is repetitive.
She fell to them floor
I think you mean, "she fell to the floor"?
"How do you know who I am. Why are you here?" She asked, her tone cautious and slightly angry.
First: Question mark after "how do you know who I am." Second: The S in "she" should be lowercase. If a pronoun that follows dialogue is connected to that dialogue (e.g., "he said/she said/they asked"), then it should begin with a lowercase letter—always. Even if the dialogue ends in a period/question mark/exclamation point.
It's lip curled.
Incorrect apostrophe.
This time Ever was ready, she ducked a sliced at her demon brethren, a light scar appeared on the beings skin.
Bolded section is wrong. Comma usage is wrong. Can we just mark this whole sentence "wrong" and call it a day?
"You wish to keep your identity a secret from the human scum, I can use this to my advantage..."
There is no way in hell he said that out loud. I refuse to believe it. Seriously, what is this guy—a cartoon villain with a handlebar mustache and beady rat eyes?
...actually, don't answer that.
She was very angry.
Thank you for telling us.
the being's head it the floor with a crack.
I'm sure you can figure out what's wrong here.
She tried again to lift herself up again
"Again" is repetitive.
She fell fast, landing in the pavement jut outside the road.
Take a wild guess.
The officers quickly took action, they held her down, shouting,"Hold it down! Watch the wings!"
They held her down while shouting "hold it down"? Really? You know, I guess that makes sense—a lot of times, when I'm kicking a rock, I'll yell "kick that rock!" Or when I'm folding clothes, I'll shout "fold that shirt!"
Anyway. There should be a space between "shouting" and "hold." Also, incorrect commas are incorrect.
Overall: There's a good story somewhere in this, but it's buried beneath a mountain of typos and grammatical mistakes and far more telling than showing. A simple rewrite, though, could do wonders, and make this story great.
So keep the faith!
Points: 2856
Reviews: 41
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