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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

DEMON: A Young Justice Story

by everfloof


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

It started out like any other day.

Ever was sitting in her Honors English class with all the other sophomores when a loud crash rang throughout the school.

It was particularly deafening considering they had all been taking a test on Les Misérables and the entire room had been silent.

The sound made her head jolt up but when no further sounds persisted the class eventually delved back into the text.

But only a few seconds later there was another even louder crash at the far end of the hallway near our door.

A couple people yelped, and the teacher jumped up and rushed over to see.

At this point, the test was no longer the priority, and they all gathered around as the teacher quickly told us to get back into our seats as a load scraping sound was heard.

Then, there was a deafening roar, and a flash of white and yellow, then Ever's sight went black.

She tasted metal and there was a prominent ringing in her ear.

She wrenched her eyes open.

Something large had barreled through the classroom and thrown up desks all over the place.

The teacher was picking up panicked students and checking to see if they had any injuries.

There seemed to be no series injuries, but Ever couldn't hear in her right ear, the ringing was slowly dying down and she slowly got to her feet.

Her immediate thought went to Wally.

He had been in the room two doors down.

Her mind processed the situation.

Her wings shifted on her back. She didn't have her suit with her, neither did Wally, she didn't think.

This could very well be a mission type situation, but she couldn't risk revealing her identity to so many people.

She hobbled out of the half-destroyed classroom and into the hall.

Students were racing down the halls and toward the door at the direction of the teachers. They were desperately trying to keep the peace.

She called out to Wally, but her cries were lost to the bustling of students.

There was another loud noise like two giants fighting in a boxing match and a small white and yellow thing caught her eye.

It looked like a man, but with liquid splashing around them constantly.

She had no time to process when the entity hit her straight on and she was pushed into the nearby room.

She fell to them floor, her arms raises instinctively in a crouched position.

But the thing only stood, unmoving.

"The Dusk of the Justice League," the entity spoke, its words radiates with a cold scraping sound.

She snapped her head up and whirled around to see if anyone had heard, but the halls were clearing out of students and no one was in the vicinity.

"How do you know who I am. Why are you here?" She asked, her tone cautious and slightly angry.

The being laughed. "To give you a warning."

It suddenly sprung up and slashed down at Ever's face. She barely had time to roll away before a swinging leg caught her stomach and she went flying into the wall.

"I have been sent from your home dimension. You and your family have tarnished the dæmian culture with the pathetic interactions with the people of Earth. You must be brought back."

Ever got up, her side aching with the force of the blow.

"We haven't done anything to hurt you! We left becuase what you do is disgusting and evil!"

It's lip curled. "You dare insult your heritage? You will pay dearly..."

This time Ever was ready, she ducked a sliced at her demon brethren, a light scar appeared on the beings skin.

But a foot caught her leg and she spun toward the door and out of it.

She knew she couldn't win this fight without giving her self away, and the being seemed to know this, as it smiled brightly.

"You wish to keep your identity a secret from the human scum, I can use this to my advantage..."

It seemed to be talking to itself as if Ever couldn't hear it, then it lunged and she took off sprinting down the hall.

She felt a claw on the back of her shirt, and she yelled out "No!" as her wings were ripped out from the back where they had been concealed. She spun around and sliced with Kyan, fire sparked around her. She was very angry.

She twisted her arms and a plume of fire shot forth from her fingertips, engulfing the figure.

It growled with slight pain but managed to swerve out of the way.

It twisted its bright form around Ever's body and she struggled to get loose.

She whirled around and flipped, the being's head it the floor with a crack.

By now her arms her covered in burns and her face stung from the heated form she was fighting.

She breathed heavily and stepped forward to check if it was safe.

Without warning, the entity flew up and Ever was thrown back through the hall, her wings instinctively shielding her face and eyes.

As the being sped toward her, she hardly managed to get up when it slammed into her and into the lockers far down the hall.

She slumped to the floor, her breathing labored.

"Ha. Such easy work, you will make a fine dot on my resume," the being said, reaching down to finish her off.

She flung up with the last of her strength to strike it upward, and it gave a tiny yell of surprise.

She then drew up her arms and gathered all her power and a powerful blast of white hot fire straight at him.

He screamed loudly but the blast only lasted for a few seconds before he lumbered over and tried to grab her.

He managed to carry her to the door but he seemed like he was tiring fast. With one last effort, Ever swung her weight at the door and was flung out onto the parking lot.

Screams rung out as the students who were in the building were gathered many yards away.

She could barely lift herself off the ground, her ankle was burning. It might have been sprained.

But, she could make out Wally among the crowd, looking horrified in her direction.

She tried again to lift herself up again but released with growing realization that her wings were out and exposed on her back.

The brown feathers gleamed in the afternoon sunlight, but as she tried to quickly hide them, she yelled out in pain.

Wincing, she backed away from the students.

Wally started to walk foreword, determined to help, but she held up her hand to stop him.

She wouldn't risk his identity as Kid Flash to be revealed, that could endanger the entire League if someone found out.

He looked extremely hesitant, but let the teacher usher him back into the crowd of students.

She was acutely aware of sirens behind her.

She turned and saw many police cars lined the parking lot. But the officers that poured out weren't normal police men and women. These people were clad with body armor and shield, and they started racing toward the school.

Ever knew immediately what was going to happen. They thought she had attacked the school. The being was no where to be seen, and Ever knew she had to act fast.

With one more desperate glance at Wally, she struggled to her feet and limped away.

She could hear the officers behind her, and she spread her wings painfully and started to take flight.

She sprang up in a sudden burst of speed, her feet left the ground.

But the officers were right behind her. They pulled out a heavy looking contraception and aimed it at her, then fired.

A spike of electricity wrapped around Ever's foot and her mind filled with pain.

She fell fast, landing in the pavement jut outside the road.

The electricity still coursed through her, she couldn't move, couldn't speak.

Then it abruptly ended, and she was left curled up in the grass, her breathing labored.

The officers quickly took action, they held her down, shouting,"Hold it down! Watch the wings!"

Ever struggled pitifully, trying to get loose, but she was exhausted, and could barely see, her face pressed into the prickly grass. She knew she had to escape, but there were too many, and she couldn't move.

The Captain of the troop brought over a metal cuff and clamped it down on her wings and twisted her hands behind her back.

She resisted, sparking and doing all she could to try and burn the officers with her breath.

But she soon couldn't move at all, and a few men boosted her up and took her to the largest truck on the street.

She was too tired to protest, and with one glance up, she saw Wally looking completely distraught, away from the rest of the group, on the phone and checking to see if no one was looking.

Then she was put in the back of the truck, and he doors closed, and she couldn't see anymore.


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41 Reviews


Points: 2856
Reviews: 41

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:33 am
SteppeVesteffi wrote a review...



Hello,

This story... well, I've got lots to say about this one.

First, I'll start with some positives. I really like how you described the action sequences. Those can be tricky to pull off, and I thought you did a very nice job. You also really captured the frenzied and frantic environment, which, again, can be hard to articulate. Props for that.

I liked the suspense of this chapter, the anxiety and intensity. You're good at setting that tone, and seem quite adept at this sort of story. It is rough (I'll get to that in a minute), but beneath the roughness, there definitely seems to be something good here. I feel like you can totally pull off this genre and plot and do it justice with your writing. (Justice—ha.)

Now for the other stuff.

So, the roughness. Let's talk about that. The main issue here is that this reads more or less like a summary or overview. You skip over and rush through a lot of the good stuff, and the ratio of action to dialogue to thoughts to description is not proportionate. This sort of reads like: "First A happened, then B, then C." Just one event after another, and none of them are very detailed. None of them feel vivid or infused with life, and that's a problem.

I don't really get a sense of the characters based on this, either. They seem just sort of there to act out the action sequences, and not like actual people in the midst of fighting or chaos. I would've liked to have gotten more of a sense of Ever, at the very least.

Also, the way this is structured is kind of odd. There's wayyyy too many paragraph breaks, leading to each paragraph being composed of just one or two sentences. It looks weird and reads strangely. No one wants a big block of text, but also don't be afraid to have some meaty paragraphs; skipping to a new one after just a sentence or two is really not a great habit.

Another issue is the sheer amount of typos and grammatical errors in this. Always reread your work—not just once, but multiple times. I cannot stress that enough. You have to edit, absolutely must, and a lot of the superficial mistakes in this (e.g., typos) could've been cleared up with just one simple read-through.

Anyway. Speaking of superficial typos, time for some nitpicks:

taking a test on Les Misérables

"Les Miserables" should be italicized.

But only a few seconds later there was another even louder crash at the far end of the hallway near our door.
At this point, the test was no longer the priority, and they all gathered around as the teacher quickly told us to get back into our seats as a load scraping sound was heard.

You switch from third-person to first-person here. Gotta watch for that.

There seemed to be no series injuries,

Serious injuries.

but Ever couldn't hear in her right ear, the ringing was slowly dying down and she slowly got to her feet.

Incorrect comma, and "slowly" is repetitive.

She fell to them floor

I think you mean, "she fell to the floor"?

"How do you know who I am. Why are you here?" She asked, her tone cautious and slightly angry.

First: Question mark after "how do you know who I am." Second: The S in "she" should be lowercase. If a pronoun that follows dialogue is connected to that dialogue (e.g., "he said/she said/they asked"), then it should begin with a lowercase letter—always. Even if the dialogue ends in a period/question mark/exclamation point.

It's lip curled.

Incorrect apostrophe.

This time Ever was ready, she ducked a sliced at her demon brethren, a light scar appeared on the beings skin.

Bolded section is wrong. Comma usage is wrong. Can we just mark this whole sentence "wrong" and call it a day?

"You wish to keep your identity a secret from the human scum, I can use this to my advantage..."

There is no way in hell he said that out loud. I refuse to believe it. Seriously, what is this guy—a cartoon villain with a handlebar mustache and beady rat eyes?
...actually, don't answer that.

She was very angry.

Thank you for telling us.

the being's head it the floor with a crack.

I'm sure you can figure out what's wrong here.

She tried again to lift herself up again

"Again" is repetitive.

She fell fast, landing in the pavement jut outside the road.

Take a wild guess.

The officers quickly took action, they held her down, shouting,"Hold it down! Watch the wings!"

They held her down while shouting "hold it down"? Really? You know, I guess that makes sense—a lot of times, when I'm kicking a rock, I'll yell "kick that rock!" Or when I'm folding clothes, I'll shout "fold that shirt!"
Anyway. There should be a space between "shouting" and "hold." Also, incorrect commas are incorrect.

Overall: There's a good story somewhere in this, but it's buried beneath a mountain of typos and grammatical mistakes and far more telling than showing. A simple rewrite, though, could do wonders, and make this story great.

So keep the faith! :)




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:02 am
SirenCymbaline wrote a review...



Hello. Just a disclaimer, I am not familiar with Young Justice, so I will be judging this as a piece of writing on it's own, and not touch on things like how well it fits the canon.

You've got some exciting events going on, but the piece suffers from small inconsistencies that break immersion. For example, you're predominantly writing in past tense, third person, but in a few places you accidentally slip into first person or present tense.
For example, in 'At this point, the test was no longer the priority, and they all gathered around as the teacher quickly told us to get back into our seats as a load scraping sound was heard.'
'The teacher told us to get back into our seats' is in first person.
'The Dusk of the Justice League," the entity spoke, its words radiates with a cold scraping sound.' That should be 'it's voice radiated.' I recommend re-reading the whole thing and checking for any more such inconsistencies.

Some parts confuse me. The 'being' that Ever is facing is difficult to picture.
It is described as a 'white and yellow thing that looked like a man, but with liquid splashing around them constantly.' So do they have a gender or not? they're described as masculine, but from there you just say 'it' and 'being.' Also, why say 'being' when I think you're trying to tell us that this thing is a demon? why not just be clear and call it 'demon'?
Also, why do you spell it like 'dæmian' just once and then revert to a different spelling for the rest of the story? inconsistency is confusing.
Also, how big is it? does it have claws? does it have wings?
What is the deal with the water 'splashing' around it? what does that even look like? where is this water coming from? what is the purpose of this water? it can't be elemental powers, because the demon never uses it in the fight. I don't get it.

I'm having trouble visualising this action sequence.
'It suddenly sprung up and slashed down at Ever's face. She barely had time to roll away before a swinging leg caught her stomach and she went flying into the wall.'
Why would it jump up, but slash down? Wouldn't it make more sense to slash up while it jumps? also, why would she roll away from this, when it would make more sense for her to dodge to the side?

'This time Ever was ready, she ducked a sliced at her demon brethren, a light scar appeared on the beings skin.'
That should be 'This time Ever was ready. She ducked and sliced at her demon brethren.'
I think it would flow better if instead of having a comma between 'demon brethren' and 'a light scar' you replaced the comma with an 'and' or split it into two sentences with a period.

'But a foot caught her leg and she spun toward the door and out of it.'
I can't even make sense of what is happening in this sentence. Did somebody trip her up?
Why did she spin? I don't get it. I think this sentence could be rewritten to make the action clearer.

'It seemed to be talking to itself as if Ever couldn't hear it, then it lunged and she took off sprinting down the hall.' This part would also be better off as two sentences.
Separate dialogue description from the following action. For example.
'It seemed to be talking to itself as if Ever couldn't hear it. It lunged, and she took off sprinting down the hall.'

'She spun around and sliced with Kyan, fire sparked around her. She was very angry.'
I don't know what this Kyan is, I am assuming it is some kind of power.
To me it doesn't seem to make grammatical sense here, particularly with the placement of that comma. I'd give you advice on how to fix this sentence, but I don't know what Kyan is so I don't know how to use it grammatically.
Also, don't limit yourself to 'very angry.' Use a word like 'furious, livid, outraged.'
Whenever you find yourself using 'very adjective', try to find a good synonym for that adjective instead.

"We haven't done anything to hurt you! We left becuase what you do is disgusting and evil!"
You need to change 'becuase' to 'because.' Simple typo.

'It growled with slight pain but managed to swerve out of the way.'
Lose the 'slight', it just detracts from the impact and doesn't fit the sentence anyway.
Use the word 'slight' as little as possible.

'She whirled around and flipped, the being's head it the floor..' you're missing the 'h' in 'hit.'

I've also noticed that some of your sentences really need more commas. For example-
'By now her arms her covered in burns and her face stung from the heated form she was fighting.' This needs another comma after 'burns.'
Also I think by 'her covered' you mean 'where covered.'


I don't have any more technical critiques to cover. Overall I'd say it would make a fine action story, if the action scenes were easier to follow in terms of what limbs are doing what and cause and effect.





Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman