The stage
As the curtains were closing flowers were being thrown she looked at him with his big smile his White teeth, the man that declare himself as her lover. He was clapping so hard the all the Audience was standing on their feet clapping for her, but she didn't feel happy because she knew it was all fake his love this fame is all just a big lie.
She remembers that day so clear as if it just happened yesterday the day she sold her soul to the devil.
It all happened when she used to work at the joker bar.
An ordinary bar near the subway filled with homeless people trying to get a free beer, lonely sad people trying to forget about their horrible life and people how just come here because they want to run away from their wives.
Just a boring place filled with boring people.
She went outside for a cigarette break .she loves those Cigarettes were filled with strawberry flavor, she put it in her mouth and just before she lights it up she mumbles:
A little flavor in life won't make it better but it will prevent me from killing myself.
She lights up the cigarette took a deep breath and released the smoke.
That’s when she heard his voice his deep voice with a sarcastic tone
He said: what if I made it better?
She looked at him with his black long coat and his black hat that covers his face his whole look made her shiver for a second .
Then she uttered a little laugh and said: how are you supposed to make it better?
He responds: it doesn’t matter how and when or where if you are ready.
Ready for what she said with a concerned face.
He walked closer to her whispered in her ears: ready to sell your soul.
And that’s how it happened, that’s how she got all this fame and all this love.
She walked behind the stage stopped in front of her makeup vanity stared at the mirror trying to force herself to smile but she couldn’t.
Finally when she stopped trying she saw him in the mirror standing all the way across the room with a big smile she couldn’t have.
He said with his deep sarcastic voice: its payback day.
It all went darker and darker until it was the end.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well...this is quite an interesting story...the veil of impending doom there right from the start and then just very quick and rather sudden ending...it all comes together quite well here to create quite a story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...wow that's quite a start right there...definitely talking about a pretty bad situation there...oh dear...the way she just matter of factly spells out the fact that any fame she has is false and everything that's happening to her is just in general not real just does a wonderful job reinforcing just how aware she is of what's happening to her...and its looks like there's not much she can really do about it.
Well...that does seem like a collection of not very well off people just sort of creating an atmosphere of just only sadness...not exactly the most comforting of places to be working in, that much is very clear immediately.
Well...that does seem like a relatively boring place and situation I suppose...
Okay...not sure exactly what that's about but alright....she's just taking her break for now I guess.
Well...there's the moment that everything becomes worse I suppose...oh well...
Hmm...well she definitely wasn't impressed on first sight I see.
Wow he didn't even remotely beat around the bush...that's a bit rare for those that ask you to sell your souls, gotta give him a bit of respect for that directness there.
Well...it looks like she knows some sort of doom is headed her way...or she just doesn't want the attention anymore....at any rate interesting to see how just can't bring herself to smile there.
Well doom it is I suppose...oh well...that's how most instances of souls sold generally tend to end so...couldn't have expected much other than that...sad ending there but an inevitable one...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is a pretty neat little story that you've got right here. It was definitely an interesting read...and well that's about all I've gotta say at this point.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello eve!
I like your story concept, your premise, and the way that you have chosen to write it, switching between the two scenes, present and past, and back to present.
Here are some pointers to improve on the writing:
Stick to one tense. I see you switching to past and present tense in the same sentence, like this one:
Which should either be rephrased as
"She lights up the cigarette, takes a deep breath and releases the smoke" (present tense)
or
"She lit up the cigarette, took a deep breath and released the smoke" (past tense)
Use quotation marks for dialogue, and italics for thoughts. Here is how I would rewrite certain parts to give you an example of what I mean:
Also note that I've replaced the colon (mumbles:) with a comma (mumbles,).
As for thoughts of your character:
This might be part of the narration, but I think it would feel more personal if this was a thought straight from her mind.
Use more punctuation. Here's a rewrite of your first paragraph to improve the flow of it a little. I've just added punctuation to it:
Practice with punctuation by seeing how it is used in good books and imitating those techniques. I think you can get more out of your story if you learn how to use it to your benefit.
I also think it would have been interesting to add more imagery from the actress at the end, what does she feel? What does she see? Does she die? What is she thinking of if she dies? Her emotions came through and were a strong point in your story, but you could make it so much richer, don't hold back.
Well done, and keep writing!
thanks for the review. I will work on the punctuation and making it richer
Loved it, I was about to scream "No...don't sell your soul." But realized that I was reading and not watching television. Everything flowed nicely, that's my own opinion. Didn't really seen any mistakes, either that or I read it too fast. But having him coming out of nowhere and greeting her with that question or demand, BRILLANT.
Thank you. it's so nice of you to leave a review.
Hi! First of all, welcome to the site
This was a really nice and simple story, I liked it very much, and it's really good as a first attempt at writing in English. I know what it feels like as English isn't my mother tongue, and I'm sure you'll get better here in YWS
The beginning is strong, and the scene is described well, the curtains falling, the flowers being thrown, the lover, all of it.
This sentence is great. It changes radically everything described before and made me very curios to read more, to know why it was all fake.
The scene where the girl meets the devil is also very good and mysterious, it has a fairytale-like feel, and the dialogs are realistic and in tune with the rest of the gloomy situation, but I think it could be improved. Ad more physical description of the place. This "outside", what is it exactly? Is it a dark and scary alleyway, gloomy and boring like the bar itself, with steam and smoke rising to the sky, thrash bags scattered on the floor, or is it day, in front of a highway with cars and trucks passing by?
The other thing I think needs more describing is the girl's passage from being nothing, to a famous actress.
My final note is about the final scene. It was good like the rest, but I think that this "end" could be described better, like the "outside" from before. Does the darkness fall upon her like the curtains from the beginning? Does it swallow her up until she disappears?
Great story, keep writing, never stop, and I'm sure you'll get better and better.
I hope this review helped.
Have a nice day! ;D
Thanks it was very helpful review . I'll try to work more on the describing part.
Cool story bro
I'm a girl but its ok thanks
That were really great.
There were a few gramatically mistakes but they were easy to overlooked. The story was vey good, the characters seemed well thought out and the plotline was interesting. The sentences were quite well put together. It needs to be edited a little bit but I've seen worse. I actually really enjoyed it and you did really good! I also like your writing style.
Thank you for that helpful review