Light and dark
Black and white
Time and space
The joy of sorrow
The Clapping hand
Rejoicing times
Never in sand
So I see
People in love
The world above
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
okay im sorry, but i just don't like this poem at all. i apologize for being rude and ultra-honest, but sometimes you need to hear a little negative feedback. i would first of all like you to tell me what the heck i am supposed to get out of this poem. WHY should i care about time and space and black and white and SAND for goodness sake? there are no statements in this poem that could possibly tell me what its message. you begin with opposites (light and dark, black and white) and then you spin off into no-where land, with "the joy of sorrow" and "the clapping hand". is that supposed to make sense to me? because it doesn't
granted, perhaps i am simply thick in the head, but even so, this sort of poem is an example of the reasons why so many people hate poetry. they think "what the heck is this supposed to mean?" and then they give up reading poetry altogether.
WHAT exactly never happens or never exists in sand? WHAT is the clapping hand? and so WHAT if you see people in love? i feel like if there IS a lot of meaning in this poem, then you obviously are catering to those people who are extremely deep thinkers, or perhaps even over-thinkers. i don't see how this poem could matter to somebody or mean anything to anyone if they cant even understand what it is trying to say. it doesn't even put a simple, pleasant picture in your mind or anything, because it is not descriptive, and it has no verbs. nothing HAPPENS. there are no STATEMENTS.
look, im not normally a tear-your-poetry-into-a-thousand-tiny-peices kind of person, but im in a mood to speak my mind, and so ive gone ahead and spoken it. please realize that i am making no comment whatsoever on your abilities as a poet. you may very well grow to be a famous, fondly remebered poet, but for now, i am commenting on this ONE peice and i do NOT like it.
however, i encourage you to keep writing poetry, and i hope to see some work of yours in the future that will allow me to speak my mind and leave POSITIVE, ENCOURAGING comments.
I have to admit, I did like the first one better, at least from the standpoint that it was far easier to "perceive" however I wanted to. At the same time, that this has more structure is sort of like a new development in a story: if everything stayed the same, we would get bored of it, right?
I've nothing to correct where rhythm is concerned; you were able to pull off your rhyme easily. The one thing I'd consider changing is your first two lines; dark and light and black and white aren't exactly the same, but they usually give off the same connotation, so it gave me a feeling of redundancy. I know June (springrain) said she thought so at first too, but then thought about it more and interpreted it differently, but first impressions are very important. Not everybody is going to think as deeply about this, or be concerned about reading more into it than what's on the surface. Most would probably just take the lines at face value and feel like they're exactly the same. I'd think about revising them so there's more of a difference between the two lines.
So, as far was what you intended for this goes, and people are able to take it as you intended, it's good. It may not be right for every audience; you'll want one that's willing to think, to expend a little more effort into finding a meaning behind the words than they might at other times. So, good luck. =)
Again, this was wonderful. There are so many ways a reader leave with from this poem and this type of poetry. It had a lot of depth and showed the pain one can have. Along with that, it had a emotion to it that can go either way. Brilliant!
June said everything that needs to be said.
This was marvelous! The mood was most definitely lighter in this when compared to the last 'Perceptional Poetry' piece. I'm glad you took what I said about a wider array of emotions to heart. Well done!
*gold star*
~anti-pop
Hey, I just think that the lines in bold are a bit sketchy. Everything else rhymes... these just poke out as sounding weird!
That's all I could find bad about it though... really. Good work!
Hey there Evanrith! June here (I have finally gotten around to this.
)
. It's the type of poem that you can't describe in any other words than the ones it's writ in.
So! Like I said to you before, there is nothing left for anybody to pick on/change/speak about. You pretty much left me speechless the first time you showed this to me, and I think I just said "fabulous"?
Well! It is fabulous
So, since I can't find anything to say about this, I'm going to write how I interpreted it. Here we go:
This instantly reminded me of the contrast between good and evil. I don't know why, but the yin yang symbol and the unity of fire and water came to mind. Something about this line showed that in life you need both to get on; they work together.
The first time I read this, I thought of this as the same thing as the above. But, it's not (at least in my interpretation).
I like how you did not write light after dark in the first line. To me, that shows that light (good) is stronger than dark. And, had you written it the other way around they would have rhymed. Since they don't that makes me like the poem even more, because I probably would have been disappointed if the rhyme scheme did not continue, Haha.
Now! Instead of thinking of this line as the same as the first, this one reminded me of Happy and Sad. Normally, you could associate lightness and darkness with happy and sad, but if you think of it in another perspective, it's really different.
See, one could be happy with evil, and one could be sad with the good. So! By thinking of these two lines as something completely different, it gives the poem a more satisfying touch
This line reminded me of patience. Because, like, (forgive me if I sound weird, but!) in the case of a relationship where the people are separated, it's time and space that divides them. It's time that they're spending with or without each other and it's the space that brings everything.
This line fits perfectly with the two above for that reason
I love this line; it's almost an oxymoron, but if you think about it, it's not. In some cases, people blame themselves because it makes them feel better about something, and takes the blame off of the one that should be blamed. In both ways it's sorrow, and it's joy. If the one that is to be blamed knows that someone else is blaming themselves, they are going to feel sorrow; yet they may still feel a sense of joy in knowing that someone cares.
At first-- I'm not going to lie -- this line annoyed me. I couldn't see how it fit, but I see it now. It connects with the joy mentioned above, but in a way, it's completely disconnected in a sense of making the reader think over it.
I have to say, I love how every line connects with the previous, but moves the poem along. Every other line almost can't connect with each other, but it all fits together. It's beautiful.
This line probably has more meanings than I can think of, but I really, really like it. It transitions us to the next line (and also has a hint of sorrow in it, I can't figure exactly why) but, it's like... breathtakingly beautiful.
There is something about this poem that seems solitary, and this line fits it perfectly. I never associated the timer clock thingamajig with company; it always seemed lonely.
This just has so much meaning to it! It's like, painting pictures in my mind. Not just any pictures, either. Vivid, pictures that make me think. Just like this poem.
This is the turning/transitional point of the poem, but it's not turning much. Simply beautiful.
The way this line comes off is like... very wise. Like, it speaks experience... and it's feels aged. Not tarnished by age, but like, wizened by age. I can't find the words to describe what this exactly means, but to summarize, it's beautiful.
I noticed, that there are lines in this poem that can connect with each other, and then there are others that won't connect. (I hope I'm still making sense, but) What I mean is, this connects with the message/meaning that time shows. The sorrow, regret-- everything else, it all leads up to this, and transitions into this.
If beauty can be captured in words, you did it here.
Immediately, when I read this, I thought, "Heaven." But, it's a lot more complex than that... it's not just what comes at the end of time, it's about every step. It's like, we go one step above everyday and then keep on going, seeing a new world each time.
----
Overall:
I loved it.
I really, really did. It made me think-- a lot. I know I got carried away in my interpretation
I interpreted it one way, but I know there's plenty more ways it can be interpreted. Who knows? Maybe since you've got this etched into my head, I might get something else out of it
The lines were simple, short, and beautiful. Sometimes the best way to say stuff is with the least words; the more you say, the less you say. The less you say, the more you say.
'Twas beautiful. Absolutely.
*stars*
June
Keep it up!