Please help me proof read this short story for grammar and errors, Thank you :)
She caught my attention like a moth attracted to light, the same reaction that causes my brain to send signals all over my body, paralyzing my muscles as if time has stood still. Leaving me in a stage of numbness while staring at her in awe from a far distance. Curiosity strived me to ask for her name, so I gradually approached her. My pupils became dilated as she told me her name. The sound of her name lingers in my troubled mind, I can’t seem to remember where I’ve heard it from? The name rings in my chest and the sound shivers down my veins.
As the conversation became deeper, her beautiful deep brown eyes gazed into mine with sadness. I felt the tensions coming from her, I could tell there were unspoken words that she wanted to say but somehow, the words couldn’t roll off the edge of her lips. Before we knew it, it was time for her to leave, she reached over and gave me one last hug.
The hug left me moonstruck because it felt so familiar coming from a complete stranger. The type of hug that could cure starvation of loneliness, it’s found in-between her arms while wrapping mine around her body. At that very moment, my heart wanted to tell me who she was but my mind failed to understand, as if my heart was speaking a foreign language.
She then whispered into my ear, “good bye…” Such simple words but I felt pain coming within her voice. The type of goodbye that shatter your hopes of ever seeing that person again. She let go of me and kept walking in the opposite direction, without turning her head back to look at me in the eyes for one last time. She is gone..
Leaving me with confusion, emptiness, and an odd feeling of myself missing something. I felt like I just woke up unintentionally from a pleasant dream, the feelings were raw, real, vivid.. and somewhat unexplainable. She left me cliff hanging with endless thoughts of her. I questioned myself, why do I feel lonely when she is gone? I don’t even know her? Could I be in love with a stranger? How? Have I loved her in my past lifetime?
Have you ever experienced this feeling before? Doing something that feels so familiar but you don’t remember. She was just a dream, my deja vu.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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this is a good peice of writing full of potentual there are just a few things you should look at.
first i feel the word 'name' is used to oftern in the first parragraph. second your adjective seam pointless. they dont fit the context. if u change a few the story will flow better. third i clicked into this story because of the dramatic name. the title says that this will be a heart breaking story about someone who needs to forget the one he loves. this is a good idea for a story butif that is the point you are trying to convey you should write about why and how he forgot and who he was forgetting. take us to the moment he forgets. i say this as a writer who wright only heartbreaking romance stories. good luck.
Hi Evanlam! Here to review your short story for review day! I am proudly representing the Green Lanterns Team!
I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both you and me! I tend to ramble otherwise. (See- I'm already doing it!)
Here goes!
“The name rings in my chest and the sound shivers down my veins.” - This description instantly caught my eye! I love it. It seems to simple but it really hits home.
I did notice your sentence length. They all seem to be quite long so I would suggest throwing in a few short ones in your opening paragraphs to spice it up!
“I felt the tensions coming from her, I could tell there were unspoken words that she wanted to say but somehow, the words couldn’t roll off the edge of her lips.” - It should be 'tension' not 'tensions'
“The feelings were raw, real, vivid” - I love this trio of words. Just thought I'd let you know that
I wish it wasn't so short! I also wish I had a little more information about what both the guy and the girl looked like. Your description of feeling is exquisite but now you need to work on the description of appearances.
Good luck! I look forward to reading more soon!
Olive <3
This is also known as Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.
Just kidding
But it's similar
I'' give you later
Wow...very..short XDD
I've never read a story this...short LOL
But I will be honest that through all of this, I was just going "AWWWWWW! So cute!"
But that's just my inner romantic teenager coming out (though I'm still only 16 xD)
I do wish there was a bit more insight on the girl and the actual conversation. You could really get some good emotion pulling reactions and sympathy if you did that. IT'd also be longer and maybe even a bit more interesting.
The girl should also be more...real, I guess that is the right word. Just the simple way you kinda talk about her doesn't tell me anything about her that would make me as interested in her as the guy narrating.
The details you do give are very nice...but then there is the grammar issues
1. "in a stage of numbness" - I think you mean "state"
2. "The sound of her name lingers in my troubled mind, I can’t seem to remember where I’ve heard it from?" - This is a statement, not a question
3. "felt the tensions coming" - "tensions" should be made singular
4. "The type of hug that could cure starvation of loneliness, it’s found in-between her arms while wrapping mine around her body" - Alright, this is more of a wording issue. "Starvation of loneliness" sounds like he's being starved of loneliness, when I think you meant something more along the lines of "starvation of completeness". Also, that second part following the comma should be changed some. Switch out the "it's" for an "is" and get rid of the comma would make it a much more sensible compound-complex sentence.
Those were the major things I saw, and by fixing those, and maybe adding some actual dialogue between the two, you may have a nice short here
I wish you luck
~Maddie
Have you ever seen a movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Well... yeah.
Anyway, I have a lot to say about this. I'm sort of immediately turned off to it considering the title is like, nearly the entire plot of the aforementioned movie, but trying to disconnect from that, let's move forward.
I think you're playing the love thing a million times too much. One, I'm not too sure how flattering it is to compare attraction to a person to the attraction of a moth. A moth is basically a bug.
"Curiosity strived me..." I don't think "strived" is a word. You're really forcing yourself here.
Pupils dilating... I have never felt that happen to me and I doubt this narrator could feel that either. I know it's what happens when a person is aroused, but that doesn't mean we can recognize or notice it.
What is the deep conversation happening? That's sort of like, some important info that you just totally left out. Also, "one last hug." Where was the first hug?
This next paragraph is pretty acceptable. I like that one.
The rest sort of explains too much to me. There are absolutely no moments left for the readers to connect the dots. Your narrator is basically telling us EVERYTHING we need to know and it makes for a somewhat lifeless experience. I didn't really go on a journey, I just sort of listened to this narrator drag me through all the right tunnels to spoon feed me the point of your story.
Grammatically, I think you're fine, but there is just so much more you could be doing with this story. Also, you really ought to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I mean, it's just a great movie.
Hi, mb1221 is here to review this piece.
First of all, I would like to say welcome to Young Writers Society. Hope you have a great time here.
Good topic you are writing about, this is an awesome short story. Everything seems grammatically correct, but the only phrase that I had to read over and over again for few times is in the first sentence, where you say "the same reaction". You being the story really effectively by using a simile, comparing her to a moth. But after that, "the same reaction" did not really make sense to me. So, you might want to alter that little phrase however you want, depending on what you are trying to say.
Despite this aspect, good job! You are using all the (short story essentials, I call them) metaphors, imageries and similes very effectively, and I like reading pieces that include those three things.
Keep writing, you will be amazing. Let me know if you need other things to be reviewed