Ice

Saw this on the spotlight and thought I would see what it was. To start off I must say that this is an amazing piece of work and that I would love to read more!

I think that the most impressive aspect of this poem is the expression of emotion and the immersion it places the reader into. I have read and saw many things regarding these emotions and you have conveyed them brilliantly. I especially like the repetition of ice and pretending which somehow shows a correlation between the two. The structure is very flowing and simplistic and matches the rhythm of a poem like this perfectly.

I hope you write more like this as I just felt like this style of expression should not be left alone.

Thanks for writing and well done on reaching spotlight!

Hey there~ I see that this is on the spotlight--congratulations! Also, welcome to YWS. ^^

I'm going to make this review short. I didn't particularly like the way you wrote this; it didn't engage me in the slightest, which is sad, because there are traces of potential that you fail to harness. The 'ice' idea and what it's supposed to represent was good, and it also wasn't as run-of-the-mill as the representations of hard-heartedness, depression, and loneliness that revolve around that particular symbol. You gave it a twist, I think, in a literal-but-not-exactly-literal sense, and I like that. I'm not fond of the line breaks, and I also think that your form of capitalisation (in lines) impeded the flow greatly. This article might help.

Besides that, I think you weren't very concrete with what you wanted to convey with your words, because you started out talking very generally about what the narrator thinks/feels about their life, and then you try to ground things a bit by giving us a moment. This moment was meant to act as the duct-tape where everything is falling apart, but it doesn't really manage to do that because you shift from a broad spectrum to a narrow line of sight. It's hard to focus on what is important. I think you could centre the entire poem on this one moment, perhaps add a dab of imagery to really play with your readers, and build everything around this one scene. Cut out the beginning, cut out the end; it is highly unnecessary, in my opinion.

The ending felt a bit lax. I like the atmosphere; but if you were to work on it some more, the downcast note on which the poem ended could be a bit more ... obvious, rather than barely there.

Besides that, I like how you play with the idea that depression is not ice itself, rather the fantasy of ice and the struggle of resisting the plunge. Play with this some more, re-write, re-write, re-write! and this'll be awesome~!

Keep writing, keep it up!

Hope this helped~ PM me if you have any questions. c:

~Pomp

Oh wow. This has a dark meaning behind it but it's REALLY good. I feel like a lot of people could probably relate to this. I feel like maybe if other people saw this, they might get more of an idea of why people are so depressed. You should really consider being a true author, this piece is really well written.

This is really good. It's sorta morbid though. Has there been an experience that made you this way? You should have explained more in the poem, it still is pretty good though.

Hello! Tigerlilly here for a review!

I really liked this poem! it captured the true depression of some people, and the way that while others laugh and joke, inside, that's how they truly feel. Sometimes, you wont even realize these people have depression, because we are always pretending. We pretend to be happy and content, but deep down, they are suffering more than you could imagine. Even the people that sit next to you, in your very own classes, could be severely depressed. Even the people at Walmart or wherever you shop at. They could be dealing with issues as well.

I like this so much because sometimes its nice to know that people understand you, ya know? With me dealing with a lot of depression, its just really nice to see I'm not the only one. Your structure of the poem was well, and your punctuation on point (even though I know you don't need punctuation in poetry, its still nice). You're an excellent writer, and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Well done on this. Although it didn't quite capture me as some other poems have. I believe it's just a matter of the content being very dark. I usually don't enjoy dark content, as it leaves me feeling a little bit sad, and I'd rather always be content. But technical ability-wise, you did well on this poem. I think it will be a success here. Now I must choose whether I will like it or not... Hmmmm... The choices.