"Good Luck, Samrat", She said,
Those were the last words when they met each other for the last time as teenagers, ten years ago. Samrat was cherishing the memory of that one last day he spent with her. Mahi! Mahi was the most happening episode of his life. 12 years ago, he had first seen her in his classes. She was sitting alone, not talking to anyone, waiting for the class to start. Samrat never saw a girl like her even though she had mediocre features but some how he was drawn towards her. The way she was engrossed in her phone. He went to her and said " Hi! " and she reciprocated his greetings and sat next to her. The whole day, their first class, they didn't talk to each other. He caught himself thinking about her that day, everyday. Her weird walk, her smile when she got answers while solving those tricky questions and many more. He couldn't of anyone else but her. Days, even weeks passed by and he slowly understood that he came to classes just to see her and talk to her. They talked for hours on the phone. Every time he saw her, he would skip a beat. Before he could decide to tell her, she learned about it and Mahi, well she never thought of him more than a friend.
What an Idiot! Samrat thought. He did stupid things to stay next to her assuming that she didn't mind those dumb action of his.
Now when he thinks about it, it brings a smile to his face. we, when, teenagers are so naive, we don't even know what we are doing. Those two years, he tried gathering all the courage to tell her how much he loved her. But all in vain.
What is with loosing all your common sense when you see your someone special?
Samrat still remembers how he used to practice in front of the mirror just so that he could speak to her about his liking towards her. After Samrat still thinks of her. The weird walk, the million dollar smile and those long noir tresses which she flaunted with utmost grace. He still remembers the last day the last day, when they went out together and spent some time, talking about their future endeavors. When the time had come to leave, they wished 'good luck'. "Good Luck, Samrat" were her last words when she bid adieu to him.
Samrat's phone rings. He has to hurry up. He takes a quick shower, dresses up and reaches the hospital. He never thought a day like this would come too. He wen straight up to the operation theatre. Mahi was inside, fighting for her life and her child's too. She was hit by a car and her condition was critical. Samrat just hoped that she would be fine. When he was on the verge of breaking down, the doctor exits out pf the operation theater.
"She is fine, out of danger. Don't worry!"
"And my child?", asked Samrat.
"The child is fine too."
Samrat was relieved. After a major accident like the one Mahi had gone through, it's difficult for anyone to survive, yet she survived.
The last two years were so eventful. Mahi had come back into his life, they fell in love again with each other and now, Mahi was expecting their first child. Twelve years ago, Samrat never expected his life to turn out this way but he secretly did wish for it. His most ardent secret wish did come true after twelve years.
Funny how life gives you what you wanted the most when you least expect it. :D
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Hey! This seemed like an interesting concept, and I am interested in what you're going to do with it. So I am going to give you review, I bet I'll love it.
Here we go:
In the beginning you put, "'Good luck, Samrat', She said," Well you put the comma after the quotation, where the quotation should have gone first. Plus you should lowercase the She and you put a comma instead of a period. But I love the name Samrat!
While he was talking about her you said, "He couldn't of anyone else but her." I'm guessing that you left out the word think, or some other word.
When he was heading to the hospital you put 'wen' not went.
I'm a little confused, are they married? Are they divorced? I thought he left and they never saw each other again. I may have skipped over something, but I feel like you could clarify this in the beginning.
You have some more little mistakes, but none worth mentioning.
This is a beautiful story. I really liked, she's not very pretty, she walks funny, yet he loves more than anyone else. I love it! But I think that you could have done a better job transitioning into the present. Maybe put in something like, 'The phone rang, and it snaps me back into the present.' I don't know, that wasn't very good, but oh well. Just know that this is your story and totally respect it if you choose not to use any of my suggestions. They are only ideas.
Great job, I loved so much!!!
Keep Writing,
B.E. Writer
Thanks for dropping by!
Well I realized these mistakes only after i read it. :v
To clarify your doubt: They do get married and have a kid at the end.
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
I enjoyed this short story very much. I think that most people could relate as knowing what teenage love it; sweet, sticky, and love-at-first sight. I enjoyed the character thought you have in here as the narrator is talking about the girl he wished to see, when he was young and when he is older, he thinks about her most of the time. It has a strong feeling also, including the transition from present to past and has a good meaning to itself as a whole.
I feel like this paragraph is a little clumsy, at it has commas galore but used in the wrong sense so I'll go line by line with it ^^
I feel like 'would' would fit better in this sentence since it is in the past, rather in the present.
If I must ask, is Mahi another girl or is she the same girl the narrator is dreaming about meeting again? If not, I would suggest removing this because sure it is details about his life with Mahi but the reader doesn't need to know about it.
Also as the reviewer below me stated, you should add more of a jump to the past instead of the present. It can confuse the reader and also you. For a little point, also try to make the big chunk of words into separate sentences since it can be easier for the reader to read.
This little part should go into separate sentences, since it is describing the girl to the reader. For example:
Or something of the latter. If you need help describing the feeling of love, try reading a romance novel since the feeling to this seems rushed and forced in a term of not understanding love or something. Also the part where the narrator says 'Hi' should be in its own place
As this short story continues, we are placed into the present tense with Samrat's child in an accident (similar to the one Mahi had gone through).
"What an idiot" should be italics with idiot decapitalized since Idiot is not a noun nor a place, since it is a thought not dialogue.
I feel like the ending of this short story is a bit rushed. Try re-reading it over again, picking out parts that don't belong and could easily bore the reader reading it. I also feel like you should take away the
I liked this story very much! I hope this helps you and if you need anything, let me know!
Steggy
Thanks Steggy!
Will definitely keep these points while writing another story.
Hello, gonna leave you a review!
Overall, I genuinely enjoyed reading this short story. It's hard for me to gain empathy for characters, especially in shorter works, but you successfully made me empathize with the characters by the end.
The only thing I didn't like, was how it jumped from the past, and into a present situation without much of a transition that made sense. Also, I would have enjoyed it a bit more if there was more dialogue and interaction between Samrat and Mahi. But, this is mainly a personal preference thing, so no worries.
But, other than that, I really liked your story! I'm so glad that Mahi and her baby were okay in the end. I was also quite happy that they got to be together, because there's nothing more beautiful than love. Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your work!
Thanks for the review Winter257.
I am glad I got you do something which is pretty hard for you.