I still see you on your bed of roses,
stems flowing from your hands.
Petals blossoming in pulses
like waves washing over sand.
I still smell your metallic sorrow,
the pitter patter of your departure
and my blood, it feels so sad
for my pretty little martyr.
It was worth the five pound fifty
just to see you alive again.
I know it wasn't really
but it feels good to pretend.
Selfish as your sacrifice
you forgot me all too quick.
Whenever I see roses now
I start to feel sick.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really liked this poem. There were some excellent images and a strong emotion through out the poem. There were some really vivid and creative lines. There was also a nice, steady rhythm throughout, and the rhyming felt natural. I didn't notice any grammar issues. I wasn't crazy about this line though,
It kind of feels out of place, and doesn't really make sense. It was one of those lines, where when you first read it you get thrown off. I think if you change it, then the poem will be able to continue with it's rhythm better.This was another weirdly worded line: I understand what you are saying, it just sounds odd. I had to stop and re-read it.
Anyways, I think you have a really nice poem here. I loved the imagery and figurative language! Pm me if you have any questions
I like this poem here. It has a real nice flow and the pictures have been well built. The rhyming scheme is also nice and consistent and the poem is easily read out loud.
What I don't like though is the second stanza's third line. That line doesn't really make sense though if you look hard enough you can see the meaning. I guess that's just me being lazy because a good poem should make the reader stop and think about the meaning and the words used.
Good work with the poem. I don't see any grammatical errors, and the poem has a really nice but sad tone. I would enjoy reading another poem written by you some time.
I like how this is a love story of sorts, one that different people could interpret different meanings in it. That is good because it lets multitudes of people enjoy for many different reasons, rather than a straight up, blunt poem.