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Young Writers Society



My hot and juicy love

by eternallyconfused


It was the best of time, and it was the worst of times. I had just fallen in love for the very first time; I was getting good grades; I had everything in order to move out of my parents’ house. What could possibly be missing from my life? I didn't think it was possible that I could be missing anything. I was under the impression that I had the perfect life, well as perfect as life can get. Oh boy, was I about to find out that I was wrong.

It was the 4 of March 2009. It was just another cold winter day in Small Town, Ohio. I woke up late, as was normal. I almost missed the bus, again, normal. I really could not see how this would be anything other than a perfectly normal day. Once I finally made it to school after a twenty minute bus ride I went about my day as usual. I saw the same friends. I showed up late to the same classes. I was unprepared for the tests. Still, this day was normal. I made it through three classes and nothing was strange at all.

The time was fifteen minutes after ten, time for lunch. My stomach started to growl; I hadn't eaten all day. I hurried toward the lunchroom. As I was about to turn the corner and step into the final hall before to the lunchroom, I was stopped by a group of friends. Oh no! If I did not hurry there would be a line by the time I got to lunch. Trying to be polite, I hung around. We chitchatted about pointless things for a little while before I couldn't take the hunger anymore. I politely excused myself from the conversation and finished my journey to the cafeteria.

When I walked into the wonderful smelling room I could instantly tell that I had made a mistake by talking to my friends. The room was very crowed and there was a very long line. There was no way I could wait in line and still have time to eat my lunch. What could I do? I was so hungry. There was no way I could just not eat. I had to do something. I looked around the room trying to think of something. My eyes stopped at the door at the corner of the room. Yes! The vending room! There is almost never a line in there. I hurried to the small room before anyone else could get the same idea. I entered the small room. There were six vending machines, two microwaves, an ATM and several people. I hurried to look into all of the machines to pick out what I wanted. I had waist enough time for one day. I looked in a few of the machines but nothing stuck out. I didn't know what I wanted. Finally I looked into the machine with frozen food.

From this moment forward my life would never be the same. I stood there staring at the machine. I decide to try a hot pocket. I had never had one before. It shouldn't be too bad. I first hit the "c" button. Next, I hit the "6" button. Down fell my beef and cheese hot pocket. I pulled the frozen food out from the slot that it fell to. I held it in my hand and walked to the line for the microwave. As I waited in line I read the instructions for making my lunch. I then proceeded to open the wrapper and wait some more. I waited for what seemed like an eternity before it was finally my turn to use the microwave. I stepped up to it and put my hot pocket in. I started it for one minute. After I waited for that whole minute I pulled it out and felt it, it was still a little cold. I shoved it back in the microwave, anxious for my lunch to be warm so I could eat it. I turned the microwave on for another forty-five seconds. This time when I checked it, it was warm. Finally!

I hurried to the back of the room to the table where I sat everyday with three of my friends. I sat down and came to the sudden realization, I didn't have a fork. I hurried back to the front of the room; I was cutting it close on time. My next class was about to start and I hadn't even begun to eat yet. I got the fork and rushed back to my seat swerving around the many people standing between my self and the end of my hunger. Finally, I sat down and began to eat. This moment was one that I will never forget. I sunk my teeth into the steaming hot pocket. It was amazing! I felt all of the heavenly juices hit my mouth and I instantly knew that I had never tasted anything like this before. How had I gone seventeen entire years without having even tried the best culinary creation known to man? I took my sweet time enjoying every last bite of my new found love.

I was several minutes late to my next class. My english teacher was furious at first. Then I reasoned with her, I would write her a paper about why I was late as long as she did not reserve a seat for me in detention. She agreed to my terms, as long as I provided her with decent piece of work.

After school on that same day, I had my mother rush me to the store. I bought an entire box of hot pockets, for inspiration of course. I got to work right away, trying to show just a fraction of how amazing and surprising that day had been. Even though nothing else that I had counted on worked out, I still have my hot pockets to count on.


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Fri Jan 15, 2010 8:53 am
yjackets07 wrote a review...



well eternallyconfused. i have to say im quite surprised with this story lol. despite what they have said i rather enjoyed this piece. im looking forward to more of them and more of you. i heard from someone your working on more pieces too. lets hope they surprise us like this one has. keep up the good work




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Mon Dec 28, 2009 8:47 pm
pudin.junidf wrote a review...



Hey Eternally confused!
I'll review your piece today.

So, I don't know what to say, really. It was...good in it's own way. I mean you managed to surprise us, I didn't expect that. I mean, from the title, I thought it was some romance story, teenage romance story. But I liked it,I liked your originality.
Something I saw from your writing, is that you write actions. You say: I did this, and then did that before doing the next thing. To be honest, that's not working for me. I mean you obviously have to say what she did but not list us what she did. all that does is make the story boring and uninteresting.
Now for your character, it's ok but if you combine a poorly developed character with, well, the result is not that good. and why do I say it is poorly developed? Because you list us things! Try giving her some mannerisms, let us know her from what she thinks and says, give her some facial and body movements, something so we can relate to her.

so let's get into the review.

It was the best of time, and it was the worst of times. I had just fallen in love for the very first time; I was getting good grades; I had everything in order to move out of my parents’ house. What could possibly be missing from my life? I didn't think it was possible that I could be missing anything. I was under the impression that I had the perfect life, well as perfect as life can get. Oh boy, was I about to find out that I was wrong.

This paragraph and the next one is good. but let's analyze it. First of all, your hook is lousy. You need something to make the people read your story, to make them interested in it ever since the first sentence... or at least the paragraph. And your first sentence is really not that interesting.
Now I get you had a normal life, but as I always, always say, what is normal to you might not be normal to me. Another thing, believe it or not, every life is different and unique and readers want to see uniqueness. The whole "I had a normal life with perfect everything" has been read before, many times before. So try doing different things, showing us how ther life was normal, different.

It was the 4 of March 2009. It was just another cold winter day in Small Town, Ohio. I woke up late, as was normal. I almost missed the bus, again, normal. I really could not see how this would be anything other than a perfectly normal day. Once I finally made it to school after a twenty minute bus ride I went about my day as usual. I saw the same friends. I showed up late to the same classes. I was unprepared for the tests. Still, this day was normal. I made it through three classes and nothing was strange at all.

First of all, this paragraph is boring, it's not helping nor damaging the story. So why have it there when it's almost useless? I don't mean to offend or be rude, but it is boring why?
First. Because you list, you say I did this, I did that and so on.
Second. You begin with a date and to be honest, is not bad but we want to see the real relevance of everything.
Third. It's too normal, way too normal. I told you, something different, unique about her life.

The room was very crowed and there was a very long line. There was no way I could wait in line and still have time to eat my lunch. What could I do? I was so hungry. There was no way I could just not eat. I had to do something. I looked around the room trying to think of something.

Ok this is good but I feel as if there is still something missing. We know she's hungry and the room was crowded, but how did she feel?was she angry?desperate? How was the hunger affecting her?

I stood there staring at the machine. I decide to try a hot pocket

You make this into one whole sentence. Try something like this: I stood there, staring at the machine and decided to try a hot pocket.You see I added a comma, took out the period and the I and added a conjunction.

I hurried to the back of the room to the table where I sat everyday with three of my friends. I sat down and came to the sudden realization, I didn't have a fork.

You hurried, could you try not hurrying? I mean, it would be interesting to know how she felt when her food was ready and even to know what the setting was. and the fork part, without the proper development is pretty lame. Try expanding that part and telling us how she felt. I mean, imagine yourself awfully hungry and when you finally have your food, you realize there is no fork. How irritating, how could the fork be forgotten?

Setting
I felt it was totally lacking, we no nothing about the school or the cafeteria besides the fact that it was awfully crowded. And you say it was a winter day but winter can be different and it would be nice if you developed your setting a bit more.

Something you have to watch out for is the over loading of your piece with unimportant information. There were many parts in this piece were a bit too boring and had no use in the story. Like the part after lunch, where she went to the teacher, that is not that interesting to be honest.

So, that's all and I hoped I helped.
If you have any question just PM me.
XOXO
Pudin




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Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:31 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



So, Eternallyconfused.

I seriously don't know whether to laugh or go "Er... right..." I think I'm going to go with the former one. xD To be honest, the title made me expect like another one of those bleh teenage romance thirteen in a dozen stories, but I still decided I would give you a review since you didn't seem to have any.

If anything, you managed to surprise me perfectly. Although I started to suspect what it was all about when I got to the microwave part, it was still amusing when I reached the end.

There is at least one problem, however. The beginning is – excuse me – downright dull. It works, considering the conclusion of the story, but you don't want to bore your readers, even if you're about to blow their minds in the end. You seem to have only one word for "normal", "perfect", "lunch" and you keep repeating the same words in one paragraph. That is to say, you don't really use any synonyms, which would be crucial to keep the interest in the story. You also do too much of telling, when instead you should be showing things. The whole aspect of "show, don't tell" is quite difficult to grasp, and I'm not sure if I've managed to do it myself yet, either. Basically, it's when you go "I took the bus to school. Then I stepped out of the bus. Then I walked for a while. Then I stepped in the school." This is an extreme example, but I hope you get it.

Telling would be: "I was hungry." Showing would be: "My stomach growled." You do show the stomach growling thing, but you kind of ruin it by continuing with "I hadn't eaten all day." Just pay attention to that sort of stuff and you should be good.

Also be careful with the information you give us. As readers we aren't necessarily interested of the date or the town where all this happens to happen; it's the story that we want.

To sum up:
1) Watch the repetition.
2) Show, don't tell.
3) Be interesting.

If it comforts you, I think this was funny, apart from the things I pointed out. I love to be surprised. You managed to deliver that part very well, so I appreciate it a lot. For a moment, I did waver between "Is she being serious?" and "Hahahaha, awesome!", but only for a moment until I cracked up.

See you around!


Demeter
x





Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley