Strange, Daniel thought as he trudged up the mountain. Sostrange.
It was strange, he was thinking, how a desire born from a love for God could lead him to such a place of unholiness. The epitome thereof, really; he was going to meet the Devil.
The thought stopped him for a moment- he was meeting the Devil.
God shook his head.
Daniel resumed walking.
If only there was a way to rationalize this, he thought to himself again. He was born and raised a religious man. He believed in God, he prayed to Him. How much could one thing really change that?
Daniel’s guitar fell down his back, and he stopped to adjust it. He paused for a moment, looking around at the mountain.
Mother Nature was in full display tonight. It was quite striking, really. The stars were out, and against the dark sky, they looked like little jewels. Cocking his head up at the sky, Daniel wondered if heaven was really up there.
The Devil shook his head.
Daniel trudged on.
It was in God he’d found his love for music, anyway. Singing church songs with his mother, singing his heart out and strumming his guitar up into the sky. He wanted God to hear him when he sang. Did the ends, he wondered again, justify the means?
God scoffed. Who did this kid think he was, anyway?
Daniel sighed.
There was nothing more beautiful than the blues played well, he thought wistfully. Hearing a man pour his heart out all over his guitar, singing of lost love and betrayals, tugged at a heartstring deep down in Daniel’s chest.
Killing time, he recalled a man he’d once heard at a bar downtown. The sound had stopped Daniel in his tracks. He’d peered into the dingy room to catch a glimpse of an old man with a hat tilted to one side and a cigarette hanging out of the left corner of his mouth. He had a full audience, but he barely looked at them. He sang up to heaven, just like Daniel did.
The man had really looked like he was singing to God, or at least like he was trying to. His head was tilted back and his eyes were almost shut, like he was trying to focus on something above him, something past the rotting ceiling and the chimney. Something that he wasn’t quite sure how to see. The man had sang,
Sometimes I feel so disgustin’ and I feel so blue
That I hardly know what in this world, baby, just to do
For how long, how, how long, baby, how long?
And if I could holler, like I was a mountain train,
I’d go up on the mountain and I’d call my baby back.
But for how long, how, how long baby, how long?
The song was a plea. That man was begging the woman he loves to tell him why she left him, to come back to him. But the woman wasn’t there. So who was he pleading to? God?
The Devil frowned. Does this kid really know what he’s getting himself into?
Daniel wondered where his mother was right now. If she was still asleep, she wouldn’t hear that he wasn’t sitting out on the porch, playing his guitar and singing his heart out in a way that’d make her yell “Put that damn guitar away and go to sleep!” And if she wasn’t asleep, she was probably getting suspicious. Maybe she’d already checked his room. He really hoped she wasn’t worried. She had no reason to be worried, did she?
God nodded his head sadly.
The Devil smiled.
At the top of the hill, there was a man. He sat on a stump with a slight smirk on his face, warming his hands by a crackling fire. He didn’t say a word, but Daniel knew who he was.
Hello, Daniel. Said the Devil. Daniel managed a meek hello in response.
The Devil chuckled. Without speaking, he motioned for Daniel’s guitar.
In an awkward rush, Daniel threw his guitar off his back and knelt at the Devil’s feet. Holding it out with both hands, he closed his eyes tight and waited.
To Daniel’s surprise, the Devil chuckled again. Amused by the show of respect, he extended one arm and took Daniel’s guitar. Daniel wouldn’t look him in the face, but he saw his hands. They were human, but the longer Daniel looked, the more he could see little flames dancing around his fingertips.
Daniel remained knelt on the grass, motionless. He closed his eyes tight and was about to wait for it all to be over, when-
Twangggg. Daniel jumped at the sound of his guitar. The pitch slid up from it’s usual flat, cheap tone to a perfectly tuned low E. Tentatively, Daniel raised his eyes just enough to see the Devil holding Daniel’s guitar at his stomach, tuning it.
So, Daniel. The Devil spoke again. He was on the second string now. You want to be the best.
“I - this is what I love, sir. I want - well, I guess want to be the best.”
Sir? God thought to Himself incredulously.
The Devil fought back another snicker.
Well, you’ll be the best, alright. The Devil was on the third string now.
Shaking, Daniel slowly raised his gaze past the Devil’s hands, trying not to look him in the eye. His eyes traced up the Devil’s broad shoulders, past his muscular arms. He noticed he was wearing a crisp, white work shirt, with a collar and suspenders and all. Who did the Devil have to look nice for, anyway?
For you, child.
Daniel shuddered.
You know, the Devil had finished tuning. He strummed a perfectly tuned chord, much too perfect to have come from Daniel’s pawned guitar. He could have sworn the sound of the chord rippled for miles. When you take this guitar back from me, your soul will be mine.
Soul, thought Daniel. He didn’t even really know what a soul was. Everyone talks about souls, but what is a soul?
It’s deeper than your heart. Said the Devil. People always say, put your heart into it. And it sounds pretty good if you put your heart into it. But if you’re puttin’ your soul into it, you’re puttin’ in all you’ve got. You’re puttin’ you into it.
“What’ll my soul sound like when I give it to you?”
Like the damn best you’ve ever heard.
“What, so I couldn’t be good if my soul was still me?”
You said you wanted to be the best, child. If you want to be you, you may be lookin’ in the wrong place.
Yes, God thought to Himself. He is.
The Devil extended his hand out to Daniel. In his hand was Daniel’s guitar. Take it or leave it, child.
“What’s gonna happen to me, sir?”
You’re a Christian, aren’t you, boy?
“Yes.”
Then I just wanna know, who the hell ever told you to call me sir?
Shakily, Daniel raised himself to one knee. He took a deep breath and stood. Finally, he looked the Devil in the face. He was handsome.
Thank you.
He was tall, too, impossibly tall. Even with Daniel standing, the two were nearly the same height. Behind him, the bonfire cast a huge shadow. It was distorted, as shadows are, but Daniel could have sworn it had horns.
You’re staring.
Daniel inhaled deeply and took his guitar back. He ran his hands across the fretboard, and frowned, noticing that it was still cold. There was no residual body heat where the Devil had held it, and no finger smudges on the polished wood.
There was a sudden whooshing sound. Daniel stumbled back, startled. The fire had blown out, and the Devil was gone.
Daniel blinked hard, shook his head and turned away from the top of the mountain. Slowly, shakily, he began his descent.
He didn’t feel it until he began to play. There was something new in him. As he ran his fingers up and down the strings, he began to smile. And as he began down the mountain, he started to sing. He sang to the stars, up to the sky, straight from the soul.
The music was beautiful - there was no denying it. Every chord he played seemed to rustle the trees for miles. Daniel laughed out loud, feeling on top of the world. And in the dead of the night, walking down from the top of that mountain, he sang the song he’d heard in that pub that night.
And someday you gonna be so sorry that you done me wrong
But it will be too late, I’ll be gone
For so long, baby, so long.
My mind gets a ramblin’, I feel so bad
Thinkin’ about the bad luck that I had
For how long, how, how long, baby, how long?
God sighed.
The Devil began to laugh.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! Welcome to the site; happy review month; happy review day; all that good stuff! Kudos for posting your writing. The first step to being a good writer is writing, but the second step is asking people what they think about it, so you've just surpassed the vast majority of new writers out there
Before I begin, I'd like to clarify that I read your message about the italics, so I italicized them in my head just fine, and it had no effect on my review
Now, your story is great. I'm a sucker for short fiction about the Devil and God interacting with a mortal, so you go a headstart in winning me over, but regardless, you should be proud of this piece. I like the creativity behind the idea; I like your descriptions and knack for story-telling. It's also worth commending that you have a good grasp of sentence structure and grammar that otherwise tends to bog down writers, even if they have good ideas. But that's enough flattery, let's move on to the criticism
1) Something about descriptions seem hollow. Vague, I know, but bear with me. In some places, your descriptions are very nice, and even genuine (the description of the Devil and his fingers). In other places, it feels forced, as if you're just describing for the sake of it (the description of the starry sky). I think the main reason for this is that it seems like you're only describing the sky so you can bring up heaven. You had zero description before this, so it feels very jarring! I'd suggest casually describing the setting before this; describe the ground the man walks on, or the air he breathes. Besides, "starry sky" is just a bit cliche :p
2) narration style
You're narration generally works well for this type of story. However, I question the very beginning. The main character providing premise from his own contemplation -- it's another slight cliche. And worse, the effect isn't necessarily a good one. It feels off -- would this character (especially one that we know nothing about yet) really be thinking like this? As if he knows he's telling a story? It would feel a lot more genuine to bring out the unholy premise more naturally, instead of in direct thought. Try to experiment and see what you like
Those are my two main points. Most of your story is good, after all. I also suggest you look into the exact purpose of this plot, and see if everything's even necessary. I found God's role to be seemingly unnecessary, so perhaps give Him some more development. I really liked the process of The Devil tuning the guitar, and I think that's the strongest part of the story!
Btw, for future reference, italicizing is easy, just look up "italics BB code"
I hope you post more stories
Thank you! I worked on the beginning for a looooong time and still am, because I agree, it doesn't sound quite right. I will use your italics tutorial too and apply all of this asap!
Sounds great
This post could help you with more bbcode
Hello! I am re-reading this without the italics and realizing it's really confusing! I am sorry about that - for context, all dialogue by the devil and God is supposed to be italicized with no quotations. Hope that makes this less hard to read!
Heya! Doing a review to hopefully be of some help. I guess I'll just get right into it.
"Strange, Daniel thought as he trudged up the mountain. Sostrange."
No actual problem with this, but usually it's best to put thoughts in italics even when you state it's a thought.
"It was strange, he was thinking, how a desire born from a love for God could lead him to such a place of unholiness. The epitome thereof, really; he was going to meet the Devil."
This statement is intriguing. I think you do a good job of wanting the reader to continue reading early on. Instead of adding he was thinking again though just emphasize the strange part. Like: How very strange it was, how a desire born from a love of/for God could lead him to such a place of unholiness. I think saying 'epitome thereof, really;' is a bit awkward/hard to understand. Rewording it will help.
"The thought stopped him for a moment- he was meeting the Devil."
I think you've emphasized this enough about meeting the Devil. Instead, maybe focus more on him. For example: "The idea of it all stopped him in his tracks. Weirdly, he didn't feel so guilty." Give us more of his feeling.
"God shook his head.
Daniel resumed walking."
Is God there in the flesh, watching over him? It's not exactly specified.
"If only there was a way to rationalize this, he thought to himself again. He was born and raised a religious man. He believed in God, he prayed to Him. How much could one thing really change that?"
You do very nicely on keeping the reader hooked. It's important to find out what that one thing is that could change the religious man.
"Mother Nature was in full display tonight. It was quite striking, really. The stars were out, and against the dark sky, they looked like little jewels. Cocking his head up at the sky, Daniel wondered if heaven was really up there."
Great imagery here. I like how you still tie everything back to religion which shows the man's mindset.
"And if I could holler, like I was a mountain train,
I’d go up on the mountain and I’d call my baby back."
Funny how he's climbing up a mountain now and the song the old man sang about included a mountain.
", playing his guitar and singing his heart out in a way that’d make her yell “Put that damn guitar away and go to sleep!”
Place a comma after yell.
"Hello, Daniel. Said the Devil. Daniel managed a meek hello in response."
It makes me curious how you put what Daniel says in dialogue marks but you don't for the Devil. The only issue is the reader doesn't know if the Devil is talking aloud or not.
I think it's weird how the Devil actually dressed up for him too. I think it maybe shows a joking manner in the Devil or mockery which certainly does fit him. God seems like a disappointed parent in this too. I really don't have any complaints with this piece. It was a nice read. It does make me sad though that the main character wasn't guaranteed to get recognized or be successful with his own talent or only with how he played it. It shows how desperate he was too, to go to the Devil. I also really love how you ended this story with that song from earlier. Overall good job.
Thank you! I did some research to include the song. Also, italics slipped my mind when I copy-pasted this, but thanks for the reminder! Most of the dialogue with God and the Devil is in italics in the format I have in my docs.