The forbidden fruit
Ever so sweet,
If only it were not
such an impossible feat;
My darling,
you would be my only.
Temptation, so hard to resist
Why does it have to be so sweet?
This attraction I wish to fight
All these dark corners I want to detest.
My love, I try but my feet wander
If only it weren’t so sweet
This game of deceit;
My dearest,
You would be my only.
The forbidden fruit
Ever so sweet,
If only I were not
Such a passionate flirt
My love,
You would be my only.
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I definitely like the changes you made, especially changing the verse endings to "you would be my only". It's good how you change the endearment from verse to verse, so the endings aren't exactly the same.
One more thing I'd like to suggest is that you read this aloud. That's something you should do with every poem, to spot places where the rhythm is off.
Any questions about this, spots you want an opinion on, let me know!
Thanks guys, your reviews are a great help!!
Okay, I've seen this one. It's getting better. You have some more punctuation in, and it is beginning to sound nicer. Just one minor issue:
This part= just a teensy bit too long. That's really all I spotted, aside from the repetition of sweet mentioned by laurenmarie and Adnamarine. Improvement from before. Keep writing!
Very nice! I like what you did with this. Again, I like how we get to experience the sort of mental back and forth in the narrator's head. They know they cannot or should have what they want, but the still want it.
The first thing I noticed is that this needs punctuation. You put in a comma here or there, and a period at the end of each stanza, but it needs all the proper punctuation. I won't go through and point out all the places; I'm confident you can figure it out.
I don't like the way you repeat the word "love" here. I'd find another endearment to use.I do agree with laurenmarie that in the second stanza you use the word "sweet" too often.
There's a lot I really like about this stanza. There's a few instances of near-rhyme ("sweet" and "fight") and the rhyme between "resist" and "persist" is the best kind--it feels completely unintentional, as if you couldn't help it that they rhyme, they're just the words you had to use. There are a couple things, though, that I didn't like about this. The rhyme of the words "sweet" and "deceit" sounds forced, and is really unnecessary; it doesn't add anything, it's not part of any pattern, and I think you'd be better of without it. I would probably change the word "sweet" since, like I said, it's used too much in any case.
The other thing to point out is that I'm actually not all that fond of the last three lines. Or actually, the way you end all three of the stanzas: "My love, you and only you, would I love." The repitition makes it even less effective, but in besides that it contrasts from the eloquence of other parts of this poem. It sounds cliche and flat, and insincere; not the impression you'd want to give.
I'd like to come back to this, if you want me to. Just play down the repitition, a lot, do a little adjustment of the rhyme, and let me know if you'd like to to take another look!
Good luck!
I think you have sweet too many times in their. The repetition is a little... annoying.
I like how the rhyme scheme started, but you seem to have strayed from it. And if you were trying to get sweet and sweet to rhyme, well, I don't really like that (again with the repitition).
But overall, it was very powerful and lovely. Just a few minor adjustments and it could amazing!
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So, I like the changes you have made. It's made it less repetitive. Viper has pointed out the remaining repetition issue, but there is one line:
I find this line doesn't really fit with the flow of the poem. "Flirt" in particular bugs me. This poem as a lot of really, vivid words and I find "flirt" really drags it down. That could be me though.
Nice work!
This looks really good. I'll start with a few nitpicks here, if you don't mind.
This is a very nice poem, and you write well enough. Repetition, when used correctly, can be very powerful in a poem. However, here, I feel that the repetition just draws attention. I'd advise you to change a few words. Polish it up a bit, and you'll have a lovely poem in your hands. Keep writing!