Young Writers Society

Grand poem once again, comrade.

That's called assonace isn't it? The style you used in the last two lines of each stanza? Absolutely lovely. It's amazing when words fit perfectly into the rhyme scheme.

Brilliant ending. This is very sweet and sad but I must add, slightly hopeful.

First class love poetry once again.

--Knightly

Bravo, my friend. Bravo.
You got talent, dude. For serious. PM me when you have something new 'cause I'd love to read it.

Hello erratik_statik. I like this poem of yours but I think you can make it better with a few adjustments.

My heart is in a vice whenever I shyly walk with you.
My tongue it turns to ice whenever I try and talk with you.
I cannot verse, but for the curse I seem to have a voice,
But wounds to nurse are getting worse, hardly can I rejoice. This last part, "hardly can I rejoice," makes the rhyme seem a bit forced.

Bruises of confusion, broken bones of jealousy.I really like this line.
Humiliating contusions, from when I tried to make you see.
I have been struck, and just my luck, with the hellish curse of love.
A sitting duck with feathers plucked, hit by cupid from above.

My insides shrink and melt away,I like this line too when you softly touch my skin,
But my skies morosely fade to grey, as you gently lift my chin…
“We are but friends; we can’t pretend that we’ll ever be anything more.”This line is kinda cliche... maybe you could find a more original way to say it
And your wounded friend, with soul to mend, walks sadly out the door.

He walks down shadowed road and turns, back onto Main Street,
And crimson heart it slowly burns, blackened, darkened meat.Goooood imagery.
The lesion stings, the curse it sings, as duck prepares to roast,The line "as duck prepares to roast" seems a little random to me... I don't know... maybe you could say this another way that seems more central to the poem
Severed wings, the pain it brings, is what I hate the most.

And although you seem to quite enjoy,You don't need the comma here tearing me apart,
Truly you are my inner joy, a priceless work of art.
I’d swim the Nile, to try and beguile – I am drowned once more but then…
But then you smile – make it all worthwhile. My skies are clear again.

Overall, I really like it and the rhyming is very good. I especially like what you've done with the last two lines of each stanza. It gives the poem a definite rhythm.

The idea of being in love with a friend who doesn't feel the same way has been used over and over. That's not to say that you can't use it again - just that you have to find an original way to say it. I think you've done a pretty good job of that here except for that one line I pointed out above. That line doesn't wreck the poem, but it did put me off the flow of it a little bit.

You've used some really good turns of phrase here and stayed away from cliche lines, for the most part. It makes the poem interesting to read.

Good job on this and keep writing!

Mate.. This is good n_n

I was a bit iffy at first when I saw all the rhyming - I'm one of those part-time poets who stary from the rhyme - but it totally worked! I absolutely loved the work you did and your flow is pretty much consistent with the rhythm - I didn't expect to like it when I started reading, but I can eat my words now!

All I can say it - I'm not keen on the blocks and chunks of writing - the way it structures puts me off. But it works well with the peom, so I don't think you need to change it.

Well done!

KAY WELL FIRST OFF I MUST SAY YOUR PROFILE MADE ME LIFE.

Favorite Song:
Remembering
Sunday-All Time Low hahaha, this is actually one of my fave songs too = ]
Favorite Food:
Sex HAHA, this just made me laugh
Favorite Movie:
Sweeney Todd; Donnie
Darko SWEENEYYYYY TODD OWNS


Kay sorry, I'll get to your review now = ]


I have to say this poem was really powerful. I felt the emotion in it and I was sad for you. = [ You remind me of a friend I have, his name is Joey. Except you seem a lot more intellectual haha. You even look like him sorta, if the picture on your profile is you.

Okay, onto the review. I am totally donee with making small talk.

My heart is in a vice whenever I shyly walk with you.

My tongue it turns to ice whenever I try and talk with you.

really good hook. it's... passionate.

I cannot verse, but for the curse I seem to have a voice,

But wounds to nurse are getting worse, hardly can I rejoice.

If I was picky, I'm not so much, but if I was, I might hate that last line. The "Hardly can I rejoice" part. it makes the ryhme seem too forced. I don't have any suggestions but it's up to you

You had some really good images:
"A sitting duck with feathers plucked, hit by cupid from above."
I love that line.

I also absolutely ADORE this:
"“We are but friends; we can’t pretend that we’ll ever be anything more.” "

It is an AMAZING way with words =)

I think you should change the description of " a priceless work of art." It doesn't really seem to fit... perhaps you could find something bittersweet to compare it to? Because really, this love seems bittersweet.


Amazing piece really. I am totally planning on reading more. You've got a lot of talent = ]

- Tammy