Published March 15, 2009
From my pores they march;
Coats red as rubies; hot as a breath
Swarming together, converging on death
To dry, arid winds and the afternoon sun
Or a midnight uncertain, bittersweet martyrdom
For a cause so unworthy, tastes of nothing but scar
They march unrelenting on the immortal swastika
Invisible and apt at contortion at whim
Parasitic on beauty, preferring greyness and dim
A black hatred that strangles the vividest lights
A malevolent force nought but the redcoats can fight
They wage war not to win but to hold and defend
Their lines stand not rigid, they waver and bend
To save colour vision till come the hourglass
Knowing soon time will synchronise with us at last
So watch baby swastika on living room shelf
But just know that it will one day devour itself
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
Statik! June here!
Eek! I am now officially your biggest fan. I love your poems!
So! The only thing I found throughout was this:
nought doesn't sound quite right here, dear. It's a little bit too much of a "drag-gy" word-- perhaps it should be none?
Also: the proper spelling of nought is naught.
Also! Punctuation! This poem can follow a basic, easy punctuation scheme of comma, period. comma, period. It will work nicely with this poem, since you have perfect rhyme here. It might also help to stick a few commas within the lines for pauses, dear.
Speaking of perfect rhyme, it is perfect. I love how you didn't sacrifice quality at all here, dear. You were able to consistently keep up a strong, sensible meaning and create rhythm. Wellllll done with that, dear
I absolutely love your play on words here. It's so smooth and seems effortless
Also! The swastika you speak of is the one of the Nazi party, and not the Hindus, am I right? I'm assuming from the content of your poem that it is of the Nazis, but I just want to be sure.
Well done, Statik! I absolutely loved it!
Keep it up!
June
I really liked it, there were a few bits that went through my ears, but that was my fault. I liked the rhyming, and the feeling was good. The only thing I might be so bold as to suggest would be that you shorten it somewhat, but otherwise, I really liked it