Published July 6, 2009
I pick you up at midnight,
manicured grass sleeps beneath our feet
as we trip over each other,
stifling euphoria with cupped palms.
“What to do tonight babe? What to do? What to do?”
“I can’t remember what the stars look like...”
“Twice as big as your eyes, but half as bright,”
...and her cheekbones burst into flames.
She pushes away my eager lips with her index finger.
“I’m serious.”
“Of course you are darling. Let’s go.”
We fly in rockets fuelled by a thousand hearts that didn’t last the distance.
Darkness is a myth up here
where sunrises blow through like grains of sand.
“It’s beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful.”
Her eyes glisten as diamonds melt down her cheek.
“What’s wrong babe?”
She’s pointing to a floating rock.
“They can see us. They can see how ugly we are.”
I wipe the tears away and touch a wet finger to the glass.
“Look again.”The earth revolves in a cape of silver.
“We’re beautiful!”
Her face cracks into a smile and
the windows crack into raindrops.
I lead her through the storm, outside, and lay a picnic blanket on the wing.
We lie back, laughing at fools and inhaling galaxies,
blowing out stardust like cigarette smoke.
“I think I remember now.”
I catch a crescent moon and slide it gently into her pocket:
“The 2nd brightest smile in the universe.”
She delivers. “Kiss me.”
Our lips touch and the universe is on fire.
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
^^^My favorite part^^^
This shouldn't be forgotten.
Hi!
When I first looked at the whole poem, the italics jumped out at me! I recommend not using them, because they distract the reader from the essence of your poem - the content.
And what content! In spite of the slight predictability of the climactic image, "Our lips touch and the universe is on fire" (you could remedy this by referencing an earlier image, to give unity to the poem), the piece is laden with vivid, expressive language. The precision in your wording ("She pushes away my eager lips with her index finger") is astonishing. All credit to you.
As Hawkie points out, the use of "babe" seems a bit too casual. I would leave out "Kiss me" at the end - it takes away from the beautiful simplicity of "She delivers." The brightest smile in the universe should be the "second" and not "2nd." Using figures is, alas, a sign of unprofessionalism! It seems a shame to build to such a wonderful climax and then not fully exploit it. Keep it simple, direct and you will really have a powerful poem.
Great work!
Gahks
This was fantastic. I'm not one to post replies, unless what I read really inspires me, and this certainly inspired me a whole lot. My favorite thing is when people add spoken quotes or sentences into their poems because sometimes words themselves can speak more than the imagery. But when added to the kind of dramatic imagery you portrayed...its perfection. I love how you described "love" as an out of this world concept. You spoke from your heart and I really can't critique pure expression. Great work:)
Hi Doogzie!
June here (Not like you can't see that, but whatever...)
)
Hawkie pointed out babe (but I like that one; it fits) but, like here!
(Should this have a PG rating?
Like most of your work, I don't have much to say here criticism-wise. I do really, really love your style; your lovey-dovey poems aren't cliche, and they're quite wonderful to read!
You have absolutely wonderful imagery, Doogz. Her cheeks bursting into flames, and melting diamonds on her cheeks are perfect here. However! From then on, you use smaller words, and I'm not sure if they fit well?
You're kind of using 'pretty' words until then, and crack is kind of... flat-ish.
Anyway, anyway! Beautiful, beautiful poem, Doogz. You've got a wonderful way with words, dear. Keep it up (or else!)
Juniper
[goldstar]
Wow, Statik! This was certainly very odd, interesting, and overall very good! I love your beautiful, beautiful imagery and use of metaphors. I also liked how free and natural the meter was, but I think it would be good to touch up the rhythm and flow a bit more.
My favorite part. ^^
This is obviously a very passionate poem, and "babe" seems a bit out of place to me, a bit too casual.
What is she delivering, exactly? ?_?
Great ending! ^^
You, sir, have won yourself a gold star.
Keep writing!
-Hawkie-