Published February 22, 2009
I’m filled to the brim with emptiness, a shell without a soul
A skeleton still rising, cheating the Earth of rationed breath
Wishing, waiting, hoping, praying, dreaming of a cure
Fuel to ignite an ailing spark on the precipice of death
Oh won’t you be my kerosene and let me drink you down
So you can eat what eats away at my insides
The hospital inside my heart, sterilising my emotion
Its novocaine corrodes into, a single great divide
A steaming pit of white remains, a chasm unabridged
Leaves me hungry, burning craving and in lust
I need an urgent black injection, some dentistry revival
‘Fore time transforms my fire into dust
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
oh yeah...
I feel you on this one...
lately it feels like people are finally starting to pick up on their styles.
people aren't just throwing a bunch of alliterations on a sad emotion till it drop dead like a grim camel.
you knew how you felt, you knew what to say and how to say it.
you said it.
and I feel you on all of this.
you did well and always try new things.
there are many a poem to be written and you know that.
we as writers must strive for the literary nirvana in order to forge the readers heavens of lead and paper.
we must naver give up.
for we are patriots fighting the dark with tears of ink cried from the eyes of the greatest invention since speech....
I love you and good luck
i know you need it
Hello.
PM me if for anything.
Dark. That's what strikes me with this piece first. The thing about dark poetry is often people go too overboard with them. They use too many metaphors and descriptions and the poem is lost beneath a barrage of bloody adjectives. It's something I notice with dark poetry, the whole blood, shadow, chill affair drove into you. It's absolutley cliche. Anyway, this poem is remarkable because it isn't THAT. It is dark but it doesn't rely mainly on descriptions to make it vivid. Your words are just perfect to create the right image in the minds of people.
The emotions in this poem are also well expressed.
Overall, this was amazing.
Anyway, keep writing. Also, thank you for the reviews on some of my poetry. 'Tis much appreciated and was a great help. Forgive me and my review, I know its not much help.
Oh and also, you're not exactly new here but anyway, welcome.
--Knightly
Hey Static
I'm not sure if you intentionally did not use punctuation, or if you just forgot, but I tried to fix it aside from my fingers freezing right now xD
Umm, the overall meaning of the poem... I'm not sure. It seemed kind of random and it was boring for me. It wasn't anything new or wow or pop! The flow wasn't good for me either. I like the idea you have, but I think it sort of got lost? I'm not sure. That's all I have to say about this poem is ???
Sorry I couldn't be of much help.
~Shina
Hmmm...I'm not sure about this poem. It's awfully depressing.
No, that's the reason I'm "not sure." I just...to me, at least, the language is a bit convoluted. You also had a weird line break:
I had to read that line several times before I realized "Its novocaine" was a continuation of the previous line. I'm not sure how to suggest the line break since your poem is rhyming. I don't want to break your rhythm or anything.
However, I'd suggest doing something a bit weird with this. Try rewriting in freestyle, where there is no rhyming. Use different line breaks, make some of the lines shorter, and try to use simpler language. When I read this, it seemed like the words just kept spilling out on and on and on, and that you had to take a breath everytime you started a new line. Try reading your poem out loud, especially because rhyming poems have to have a certain measurement of time to them. It has to flow like a smooth river.
And don't worry, I don't mean to be totally pessimistic, here!
That's the type of rhythm I'm talking about. Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh. It works very well.
Oh, and I almost forgot, I didn't like this last bit:
The repetition of the word "eat" doesn't work here. Use a synonym, like "chew" or "devour" or something to that effect.
Nice job! I like your title, too.
Hi, erratik_statik.
On first impressions, the language you use is perfectly suited to the tone of your poem.
I especially loved this bit:
It creates a bit of a rhythm to the sentences and goes together neatly with the rhyme between "breath" and "death".
Oh, and nice alliteration here:
On the second stanza, we need a comma between
and
The comma will emphasise the sighing and despair of the "oh".
And brilliant medical connotations with
It really shows how the persona is broken and needs to be healed and put back together again, a bit like Humpty Dumpty. *grins*
All in all, great job. You get a gold star! *smiles*
Best wishes in your writing!
~ timeless