Published September 1, 2009
drifting, drifting through
time like an ocean of chain links
sea monkeys laughing
spinning off axes
stone irises, blind
firing fragments, shooting stars
watching and revolving
burning burning burning
away
anthropocentric and linear
a universe of smoke
listening intently, perplexion
the echoes of butterfly wings
reverberating...
dancing...
The hourglass explodes.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.
This was completely mysterious yet at the same time perfectly understandable. Let me explain: As I read each individual line of the poem, I was having a harder and harder time understanding it, yet there was just enough consistency for me to keep going. And once I reached the end, I saw that this poem was more about time and the many ways it can be expressed. I liked how you used such a random jumble of words that flowed together with coherency.
I really liked this. Keep it up!
~Rosey
It reminds me of what a scientist would dream, perhaps lacking the poetic finesse in waking life. It's a beautiful viewpoint; admiring the complexities of design in the universe.
I like how the prosody of it has a real Kerouac feel. There's some wicked jazz in these words.
-Barrett
Hey Brendan.
Beautiful, beautiful piece. Almost like the chant of nature to me. Your work again, blares out the characteristic strength of your words and imagery. Ok, I know this isn't helpful at all, but this poem reminds me of songs, just how it starts out subtle, gains strength in the middle then settles into a lull then finishes unforgettably.
Unforgettable piece.
Keep writing.
--Nixie
I like how you used longer words, but how they still kept the pace and weren't chunky.
The way you but in descriptions was genius. I loved that most of all. The intricate and the delicate was wonderfully weaved together. I'm not a very good poetry critic, but I hope I helped you even if it was just a bit.
Keep it up!
Wow.
I love this poem!
It's so... raw, and sort of delicate too.
The "drifting first letter" is a kind of bug I've noticed in the Poetry Forums, but it's quite a neat effect for this poem.
Make sure you capitalise the first letter of each line, but apart from that, it's great!
Keep writing!
This is beautiful. I'm not a poetry critic, so I can't really give you much constructive criticism, but I just had to say that I found this so lovely. It just felt so delicate and complex, like a spiderweb with shards of glass in it.
Incidentally, is that first "d" supposed to be up in the air like that? Is it a display bug on YWS's part or did you intend that? If the former, it adds a lot, the way the "d" is "drifting". If you intended that, seriously, that is one cool effect and how the heck did you do that?
Anyway, very lovely. I like it very much.
~GryphonFledgling