Published February 19, 2009
Concrete Apocalypse
Do you remember when the birds they
used to serenade the sunrise
as it danced over the hills that
echoed life in all directions?
And the flowers swayed in harmony
with smiles on their faces
as the wind picked up their seeds and
waltzed with them so beautifully
that the clouds they shed a tear
and raindrops fell upon the hillside,
shining golden in the sunlight
as the birds frolicked in the puddles
while the flowers drank in ecstasy
sweet nectar from the heavens.
Then together they constructed
awesome bridges known as rainbows
to transport their elation
from the hilltops to the seaside
where the crabs would lift it off the
scorching sand and scuttle to the ocean:
aquamarine and so inviting.
Where the fish would dance in grids
- without a fin in dissonance -
unity beneath the waves
who rolled over for their comrades
to share with them the sunlight
that was the conquest of the dolphins
as they soared above the whitecaps
eyes alit with passion;
-if only they could touch it -
Oh! If only they could touch it!
And they licked the salty air until
the sunset gently curtseyed
and slipped away behind the curtain
that softly wrapped the hills in dreaming
under the stars, galactic guardians
of all below that’s beautiful.
But the very brightest irises
couldn't stop the walls of concrete
erected on the hilltops
by giant, swarming ants with
warmer blood but colder hearts;
two-legged in their arrogance
lustful fire in their eyes.
Giant nets shadowed the ocean
rapacious in the fibres
that ensnared the tongues of dolphins
never to taste the air again,
and severed fish's lines
all to inject them with a panic
at the chaos that ensued.
Dawn arrived to screaming
of the crabs writhing in pain
eyes, affixed magenta
in a pot of scalding liquid.
And their cries drowned out the birds
who likewise screeched in horror
as they were chased by sights of rifles
and swallowed pills of lead
before the smoke shrivelled their lungs.
And the clouds they wept in sorrow
and the wind it threshed in vain
as lightning scarred the cyan
and thunder bellowed with dissent.
Raindrops fell like pebbles
and cognated with the crimson
in lethal tidal waves that
rose up so maliciously,
casting shadows on the flowers
as they wilt from dread and darkness
drowned to death in tears and blood.
And explosions maimed the hillsides
as they trembled in their agony
and from reverberating feet
as the men threw down their landmines
with malignant laughter never
heard before upon this soil.
The sun it took a glimpse to
find the heinous, rhythmic laughter
that rang between the hilltops
that echoed death in all directions
where stood the men who made it so
with smiles on their faces.
And the sun it turned away
and made a dash for the horizon
where it hoped it could find refuge
from suicidal dreaming.
But its desperate flee is futile
for the creatures will pursue
until their hunger is fulfilled.
But their vile gut is bottomless
and their thirst for blood insatiable
and wherever it is there to be spilt
the human race will come.
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I really like the images you used in the poem, they were very vivid and powerful, I think creating the universe is probably your best skill as a writer. I generally liked this poem because even if it was being explicit, the message is still as intellectually stimulating as if it was written cryptically.
Oh, and based from how you wrote it, try to stay away from "awesome". It really stands out in an odd way.
OT: i enjoyed watching princess mononoke as it tried to reconcile the ideas of respecting nature and human consumption, however I like how this poem ended better. It leaves a more lasting impression.
Darn! Beaten to it by Rosey Unicorn again! Is there anywhere you don't write reviews?
Anyway, I'm giving this a big fat gold star. I was expecting no punctuation at all, but unlike several other posters, I like the odd way things were laid out in this poem. Great in just about every respect. I found it odd that there was little to interpret (unless I'm way off track). Many poems, and stories in general,have almost cryptic meanings in them, but this was so matter-of-fact and straightforward.
Hiya erratik_statik!
Since I am now finishing the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^
I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.
Element: The first part was beautiful. Once you get to stanza six, however, I stopped reading. I said, specifically, that if I did not want a lecture about how we need to save the planet. (That reminder was in my hot pink clarification post a bit down on page 1). Being told that humans are greedy is not what I want to be told. Had you been subtle in how we needed to preserve Nature it would have been alright, but being told flat out that we are destroying the planet turned me right off.
Originality: This was original, I must say. I did enjoy the description of Nature before stanza six.
Structure: In what I read, you had a very good flow. The imagery was fantastic. Since this is more free-verse, you're fine with rhymes. ^_^
Well, from the reviews above me, you have a very effective way of delivering a message. Although I would work at turning said message down so it doesn't turn some readers off.
~Rosey
This is great, but I have just a few little suggestions.
You don’t need ‘they’ in this line. It’s grammatically incorrect.
Avoid ending lines with words like ‘that’, ‘or’, ‘and’, ‘they’, etc. It just weakens the line.
Again, you don’t need ‘they’ in this line.
Overall, the second stanza is great and so is the third.
‘Who’ should be ‘which’.
I’d use a dash after ‘whitecaps’, as that would connect more elegantly with the next line. I would also end ‘eyes alit with passion;’ with a full stop and the next line
you could simply turn into a normal sentence, ‘If only they could touch it.’ It’s just that the dashes are a little distracting.
The grammar here is confusing. I would put a comma after ‘hills’ and erase ‘in’. That would make a little more sense and it would make it flow better.
The comma after ‘stars’ should be a semicolon.
You should also use a semicolon after ‘arrogance’.
This line confuses me. What do you mean ‘fish’s lines’? Do you mean fins?
It should be ‘pain’s ... eyes’. Using personification would bring more character and emotion into ‘pain’. You should also use a semicolon after ‘eyes’.
I would erase ‘sights of’. Overall, this image of fleeing birds is excellent.
Again, you don’t need ‘they’ and you shouldn’t begin a sentence with ‘and’. It would sound better if it were simply ‘The clouds wept in sorrow’.
No ‘it’.
I understand that you’re trying to use alliteration here, but the second line doesn’t need ‘death’ in it. You don’t drown to life do you? It’s obvious that when you drown, you die. Hence, it should be ‘drowned in tears and blood’. Also, I’d use a dash after ‘darkness’. This would make the flowers seem even weaker, more submissive.
The next stanza is brilliant. Very powerful. There’s only one little problem.
This sounds wrong. First of all, again, you don’t need ‘it’ in the first line, but I would change the line entirely to
‘The sun glimpsed to find
the heinous, rhythmic laughter’.
This would sound and flow better. The rest of this stanza is perfect.
No ‘it’. The second line should be ‘and dashed for the horizon’. The third line should be ‘where it hoped to find refuge’.
I’d put a comma after ‘futile’.
It should be ‘until their hunger is satisfied’.
The last stanza is good, but the third line is confusing.
I think you mean ‘and whether it is there to be split’. Then again this line is still confusing. What do you mean ‘split’? I think you should take a look at this line and come up with something clearer.
Overall, this is a very good poem. I hope you’ll find my suggestions helpful.
Nathan.
This is great, but I have just a few little suggestions.
[/quote] Do you remember when the birds they
You don’t need ‘they’ in this line. It’s grammatically incorrect.
[/quote] as it danced over the hills that
Avoid ending lines with words like ‘that’, ‘or’, ‘and’, ‘they’, etc. It just weakens the line.
[/quote] that the clouds they shed a tear
Again, you don’t need ‘they’ in this line.
Overall, the second stanza is great and so is the third.
[/quote] who rolled over for their comrades
‘Who’ should be ‘which’.
[/quote] as they soared above the whitecaps / eyes alit with passion;
I’d use a dash after ‘whitecaps’, as that would connect more elegantly with the next line. I would also end ‘eyes alit with passion;’ with a full stop and the next line
[/quote] -if only they could touch it –
you could simply turn into a normal sentence, ‘If only they could touch it.’ It’s just that the dashes are a little distracting.
[/quote] that softly wrapped the hills in dreaming
The grammar here is confusing. I would put a comma after ‘hills’ and erase ‘in’. That would make a little more sense and it would make it flow better.
[/quote] under the stars, galactic guardians
The comma after ‘stars’ should be a semicolon.
[/quote] two-legged in their arrogance / lustful fire in their eyes.
You should also use a semicolon after ‘arrogance’.
[/quote] and severed fish's lines
This line confuses me. What do you mean ‘fish’s lines’? Do you mean fins?
[/quote] of the crabs writhing in pain
It should be ‘pain’s ... eyes’. Using personification would bring more character and emotion into ‘pain’. You should also use a semicolon after ‘eyes’.
[/quote] as they were chased by sights of rifles
I would erase ‘sights of’. Overall, this image of fleeing birds is excellent.
[/quote] And the clouds they wept in sorrow
Again, you don’t need ‘they’ and you shouldn’t begin a sentence with ‘and’. It would sound better if it were simply ‘The clouds wept in sorrow’.
[/quote] and the wind it threshed in vain
No ‘it’.
[/quote] as they wilt from dread and darkness / drowned to death in tears and blood.
I understand that you’re trying to use alliteration here, but the second line doesn’t need ‘death’ in it. You don’t drown to life do you? It’s obvious that when you drown, you die. Hence, it should be ‘drowned in tears and blood’. Also, I’d use a dash after ‘darkness’. This would make the flowers seem even weaker, more submissive.
The next stanza is brilliant. Very powerful. There’s only one little problem.
[/quote] The sun it took a glimpse to / find the heinous, rhythmic laughter
This sounds wrong. First of all, again, you don’t need ‘it’ in the first line, but I would change the line entirely to
‘The sun glimpsed to find
the heinous, rhythmic laughter’.
This would sound and flow better. The rest of this stanza is perfect.
[/quote] And the sun it turned away / and made a dash for the horizon / where it hoped it could find refuge
No ‘it’. The second line should be ‘and dashed for the horizon’. The third line should be ‘where it hoped to find refuge’.
[/quote] But its desperate flee is futile
I’d put a comma after ‘futile’.
[/quote] until their hunger is fulfilled.
It should be ‘until their hunger is satisfied’.
The last stanza is good, but the third line is confusing.
[/quote] and wherever it is there to be spilt
I think you mean ‘and whether it is there to be split’. Then again this line is still confusing. What do you mean ‘split’? I think you should take a look at this line and come up with something clearer.
Overall, this is a very good poem. I hope you’ll find my suggestions helpful.
Nathan.
Wow, great job! I loved it so much. The imagery was perfect, beautiful. I liked the no-punctuation thing until it became inconsistent. Anyway, on to the review:
"Do you remember when the birds they
used to serenade the sunrise
as it danced over the hills that
echoed life in all directions?"
Perfect intro! I found myself answering this question (hehe) before moving along. Yes, I remember...that was during summer. Ha, but anyways, excellent way to begin this poem: with a perfect piece of imagery.
"Then together they constructed
awesome bridges known as rainbows"
At first, the word 'awesome' struck me as strange. Anytime anyone says it, I always think of people using it wrongly, meaning "cool" or something...I guess that isn't wrong but it really means "awe-inspiring" which is how you used it here, and which is why it threw me off. I was going to suggest you change it, but the more I thought about it, the more "awe-some" seemed to fit here. I wish people didn't abuse words--then they'd still have their true meaning, as you used.
Later in the same verse:
"scorching sand and scuttle to the ocean:"
The ":" bugged me. I was used to the no-punctuation. I would suggest taking it out. The poem survives fine without it.
Again, in the next stanza:
"- without a fin in dissonance -
...
eyes alit with passion;
-if only they could touch it - "
I think you can get rid of the dashes and the semi-colon. The "Oh!..." in the next line works well, in my opinion, but these pieces of punctuation seem as they're mocking your self-proclaimed "no-punctuation" poem.
"the sunset gently curtseyed "
Who thinks of this amazing stuff! Great, great job! I will forever now think of a sunset as the sun "curtseying". What a wonderful phrase!
"under the stars, galactic guardians"
I believe that the comma is unnecessary.
"warmer blood but colder hearts; "
Semi-colon is unnecessary.
"never to taste the air again, "
Ehh, comma. I'll let you go through the rest of the piece for punctuation.
Wow. Enough said.
No, really. This piece is amazing! You already know how much I am in love with your imagery! Great job!
--Cassie
love the change in tone hun! it got stuck in ruts a bit but got right back up running. It's peaceful and calming and if I read it aloud some person somewhere would got to sleep thinking about it
So well done! I loved the way you used metaphors and how it drastically changed from a happy and peaceful atmosphere to a dreadful and darkening atmosphere. The way you write is awesome and I like the enjambment you used, although those LONG lines sometimes made me confused.
But that's all I have to critique, well done! Gold star
Wow. This poem is just amazing. And I think every minor detail that is just slightly off has already been nit-picked at, besides one thing. When you say, "Where the fish dance in grids," I think that should be a new stanza. You don't HAVE to make it a new stanza, but I think it might help the flow. Other than that, this poem is fantastic. I'm giving it a gold star.
Sorry, the second review was not there while I was writing this one, so I apologize for the repetition of a lot of what they told you.
Hey There! Welcome to YWS.
I really like what you did here. I didn't even notice your lack of punctuation. However, as a reviewer I feel the need to throw some tiny nit picks at you.
I know the story of your poem changed as time went on, but try to keep your stanzas the same length. It helps with the flow.
"Do you remember when the birds they used to" You have several lines in your poem like this. Since you don't want to use punctuation, I would recomend removing the 'they's and the 'it's in these situations. It messes up the rythym a bit.
I really like the topic you presented and your imagery was beautiful. Nice job.
Hey there Erratik! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you.
.
This is simply beautiful! It's so peaceful-- like the person above me said, it's brings tears
They is unnecessary in this line; I crossed it out
Curtseyed should be curtsied
I stuck "the" in the first line; I'm not sure if you prefer it with or without it.
Last line! Shrivelled should be shriveled with one L.
I crossed out two things here
Watch the way you use "they" and "it". Throughout this poem, I noticed it's used unnecessarily a few times, dear.
*
So! In my opinion, this poem was perfect.
In the beginning, you painted pictures beautifully with the imagery you used. You spoke so well of nature that when we came to the last part of the poem, we could feel the pain that greed has caused.
You touched on everything, really. You got the land, the sea, and the sky-- and you clearly portrayed how the human race is ruining it all.
The way you've written this adds to the feel of the poem. I like how each stanza is continuous-- the lack of punctuation is perfect here, dear.
There's not much I can say about this. You've practically taken my words away.
I truly, really enjoyed this, dear. Keep it up! I would absolutely love to read more of your poetry!
This deserves a gold star
June
Beautiful. This very nearly made me shed tears. I have nothing to critique, I believe.
PM me if you need anything and I would love to read more from you. Keep writing.:0
First part, absolutley brilliant descriptions of nature. Imagery and personification worked well here. The way you write paints really vivid pictures in the mind which in my opinion adds to the greatness of a poem.
2nd part was utterly heartbreaking. It spoke so well on the greed of the human race that I forgot I was human for a moment.
The delivery of the message of the poem was really effective. This is really commendable because honestly, the environment, nature, and human actions have been written about countless times that often literary works on them don't get their messages across. This isn't like that. Message has been embedded in the mind and heart of the reader.
This rather reminded me of a quote which goes something like, 'Had mankind's hands been able to touch the stars, they would have disappeared long ago.'
all in all, BRILLIANT. All the gold stars in the universe for you.
oh, and by the way, welcome here.
--Knightly