z

Young Writers Society



Ideas-Song

by erilea


Verse 1

I'm sitting here

dreaming there

don't think I'm even here

I'm in a world

where there's no boy and girl

just me...

I'm in my thoughts

there's one thing I sought

but it's slipped away and I forgot

Trying to think

but I just can't seem

to find it...

Chorus

But try as I might

I can't ever find

what I thought of in the back of my mind

Wrapped in confusion

Utter exclusion

But still no idea can break through the illusion

Someday I just gotta believe

that this idea will come to me

but I'm still waiting and still can't seem

to find the idea that escaped me.

Verse 2

Hanging by a string

dangling over Sirens singing

Why don't you give up and fall to doubt

But I hold on tight

I have to fight

Make it up to the top someday...

And then I'll find

what I've tried and tried

to find in the back of my head...

Chorus

And I pull as hard

as a man pulling a car

jump over the ledge and run

My knees are shaking

Exhaustion caking

my mind but I know I'm finally done

I see the light beaming

I feel like jumping and screaming

but I swallow it down and continue running

to that light that's glowing so brightly...

Bridge

The light pours over me like a cup of happiness

and I soak it all in as quick as it comes

it's over as soon as it starts

but my knowledge has just begun!

Chorus

The idea has reached me

I no longer have to fight

I walk to the desk, pick up a pencil

then sit myself down

and write.

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User avatar
15 Reviews

Points: 391
Reviews: 15

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Thu Apr 21, 2016 9:35 pm
blueRaven2239 wrote a review...



where there's no boy and girl

I would do boy or girl instead but that's just me.

what I've tried and tried

to find in the back of my head...

I would do in the back on my mind... instead personally

Also I think you should add proper punctuation at the ends of your sentences and what not.
That way we know how its supose to sound when singing it.

Other then all that I thought it was amazing and I loved it. Continue writing cause I personally would love to see more from you.

Good luck on upcoming posts and I cant wait to see them this one was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...




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130 Reviews

Points: 2667
Reviews: 130

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 2:40 pm
Em101cats wrote a review...



Hi there! Happy review day! I'm Em101cats, here to review for you!

So, lovely song you've got here! I thought it was beautifully written, and very creative. I like the rhythm you set up, and the creative rhymes you made.

One suggestion I have is to correct some of the places where punctuation was scarce. There are a few instances that would flow much better in the rhythm if there were commas. I kind of assumed this is a slow song, sad and lamenting until the part towards the end where the idea to write breaks through. So, maybe adding a few commas in places they might be wanted might help with the flow so it doesn't seem as run-on.

Also, there are many parts without even a period until the end. An entire verse here, for example, has nothing at all:

And I pull as hard

as a man pulling a car

jump over the ledge and run

My knees are shaking

Exhaustion caking

my mind but I know I'm finally done

I see the light beaming

I feel like jumping and screaming

but I swallow it down and continue running

to that light that's glowing so brightly...

I'm not really sure if you meant to do this in the song, as in minimize the punctuation for a quick, continuous flow; if not, you might want to revise a bit here and at the other verses that are missing punctuation marks.

Anyway, I enjoyed your song a lot, and I have faith that one day you could publish this and become a world-wide star! :D

Keep up the fantastic work!
~Em101Cats~




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245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 1:01 am
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! ChocolateCello here!

I'm not the best with review 'flow' so I'm just going to state the things I feel necessary.

And I pull as hard

as a man pulling a car

I feel like this simile is a bit out of place. It just... doesn't work. Not sure how to describe it, sorry.

where there's no boy and girl

This line takes away form the song. It's the 'boy and girl' part that causes problems. Changing it to something like 'nobody else' or 'no one' might do better (Although it doesn't fit the flow quite right) but the 'boy and girl' just sounds to basic and simple.

You use ellipsis's a lot and I feel like they're not always needed. Maybe choose a different way to show the song trailing off. ('just me-' might work?) Additionally, throughout the entire song you have one exclamation point ("but my knowledge has just begun!") and it feels out of place. I simply suggest you remove it. Additionally, your capitalization changes quite a bit so look that over and try to keep it consistent, (Either capitalizing the beginning of each line or capitalizing the beginning of each sentence)

Really liked the story behind the song and everything was well written. Keep up the good work!

-ChocolateCello




erilea says...


Thanks! :D




If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb