Verse 1
I'm sitting here
dreaming there
don't think I'm even here
I'm in a world
where there's no boy and girl
just me...
I'm in my thoughts
there's one thing I sought
but it's slipped away and I forgot
Trying to think
but I just can't seem
to find it...
Chorus
But try as I might
I can't ever find
what I thought of in the back of my mind
Wrapped in confusion
Utter exclusion
But still no idea can break through the illusion
Someday I just gotta believe
that this idea will come to me
but I'm still waiting and still can't seem
to find the idea that escaped me.
Verse 2
Hanging by a string
dangling over Sirens singing
Why don't you give up and fall to doubt
But I hold on tight
I have to fight
Make it up to the top someday...
And then I'll find
what I've tried and tried
to find in the back of my head...
Chorus
And I pull as hard
as a man pulling a car
jump over the ledge and run
My knees are shaking
Exhaustion caking
my mind but I know I'm finally done
I see the light beaming
I feel like jumping and screaming
but I swallow it down and continue running
to that light that's glowing so brightly...
Bridge
The light pours over me like a cup of happiness
and I soak it all in as quick as it comes
it's over as soon as it starts
but my knowledge has just begun!
Chorus
The idea has reached me
I no longer have to fight
I walk to the desk, pick up a pencil
then sit myself down
and write.
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139,789 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
where there's no boy and girl
I would do boy or girl instead but that's just me.
what I've tried and tried
to find in the back of my head...
I would do in the back on my mind... instead personally
Also I think you should add proper punctuation at the ends of your sentences and what not.
That way we know how its supose to sound when singing it.
Other then all that I thought it was amazing and I loved it. Continue writing cause I personally would love to see more from you.
Good luck on upcoming posts and I cant wait to see them this one was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
Hi there! Happy review day! I'm Em101cats, here to review for you!
So, lovely song you've got here! I thought it was beautifully written, and very creative. I like the rhythm you set up, and the creative rhymes you made.
One suggestion I have is to correct some of the places where punctuation was scarce. There are a few instances that would flow much better in the rhythm if there were commas. I kind of assumed this is a slow song, sad and lamenting until the part towards the end where the idea to write breaks through. So, maybe adding a few commas in places they might be wanted might help with the flow so it doesn't seem as run-on.
Also, there are many parts without even a period until the end. An entire verse here, for example, has nothing at all:
I'm not really sure if you meant to do this in the song, as in minimize the punctuation for a quick, continuous flow; if not, you might want to revise a bit here and at the other verses that are missing punctuation marks.
Anyway, I enjoyed your song a lot, and I have faith that one day you could publish this and become a world-wide star!
Keep up the fantastic work!
~Em101Cats~
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
I'm not the best with review 'flow' so I'm just going to state the things I feel necessary.
I feel like this simile is a bit out of place. It just... doesn't work. Not sure how to describe it, sorry.
This line takes away form the song. It's the 'boy and girl' part that causes problems. Changing it to something like 'nobody else' or 'no one' might do better (Although it doesn't fit the flow quite right) but the 'boy and girl' just sounds to basic and simple.
You use ellipsis's a lot and I feel like they're not always needed. Maybe choose a different way to show the song trailing off. ('just me-' might work?) Additionally, throughout the entire song you have one exclamation point ("but my knowledge has just begun!") and it feels out of place. I simply suggest you remove it. Additionally, your capitalization changes quite a bit so look that over and try to keep it consistent, (Either capitalizing the beginning of each line or capitalizing the beginning of each sentence)
Really liked the story behind the song and everything was well written. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks!