Hai :3
This is so lovely and heart-wrenching!! The whole vibe of this poem is like a quiet, fading memory, bittersweet but gentle, holding on but also letting go. I’m obsessed with how you’ve captured this sense of lingering presence with all of the imagery!! It’s such a soft but powerful way to describe a relationship!! Scent is one of those things that just sticks in the memory, so beginning with that sets this perfect, delicate tone. I love how it is continued throughout the rest of the poem too!!
her mug is molding in the sink by
the second, her tea is getting cold
Wow, this is haunting!!
The mug being left behind feels like this subtle way of showing time passing, like she’s fading but not entirely gone. That line gives me chills!! There’s something almost tragic in the way the memory of her is slowly deteriorating but still clinging on, like a ghost. There is something so ghastly about the whole poem, but that line in particular really did it for me!! I especially adore how it shows your internal relationship to your family as well, which is a great layer to explore!!
While the poem does a great job of balancing tenderness with a sense of fading, there are a few shifts that could be smoother. For example, could be helpful to clarify the contrast or relationship between your parents and your relationship to them. This is all very sudden ~~ Like, the cake imagery!! What about the cake won’t be the same? Is it the taste, the act of baking it alone, or something else entirely? I could imagine it going many different ways, but I don't know the true angle!!
my mother misses when she drove
me at midnight. my father never even remembered her name.
This is SUCH a perfect close!! It gives this sense that memories are so personal; your mom remembers her, your dad doesn’t, and you’re somewhere in between. It’s such a great way to show how different people hold onto memories in different ways, and it adds this layer of complexity to the whole poem. Like, we all are our own people no matter what ~~ That will never change. It may be bittersweet, but life is often bittersweet like that!! It's out of our control in a way.
I loved this!! Each line carries such a deep feeling of something lost but still faintly lingering. You’ve absolutely nailed this feeling of bittersweet nostalgia and the weight of fleeting connections. Amazing work with this!! <3
- Payton
Points: 9493
Reviews: 75
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