Young Writers Society

beautiful

Hey, coming in to review this amazing poem! First off, welcome to YWS, we’re so glad to have you here! From what I’ve seen of your work I can tell you’ll be a valuable addition to our community.
My first impressions of this poem are the beautiful references to botany. I can definitely believe the narrator’s mother is a botanist.
You tell this story so well--at first we think it’s a love story (sort of like the narrator does) but by the middle we can tell what’s really going on.
Here are some of my favorite lines:

i’m always picking apart the marqueriles in my
mother’s garden.

you called me a black dahlia,
So i left you a poppy.

Hai :3

This poem is so lovely!! There's this sense of delicacy threaded through it, like you're tiptoeing through someone's emotional garden, literally and metaphorically ~~ Like, it's so soft and painful at the same time!! I've never explored floral imagery in my own writing, but this makes me want to give it a try!! It's sososo cool to me how every flower represents something!! The flowers aren’t just decorative, yk, they carry the emotional baggage. They are the everything of this poem!!

Then, there's this contrasting dynamic between the speaker and the “you” ~~ The narrator is more down-to-earth, grounded in reality and honest about how things are (the flaws / the hidden things), while the "you" is obsessed with those labels and meanings. It feels like there’s an underlying critique there, like the speaker is unveiling the hidden truths about "you" and how not everything is as pristine as it seems. I love the juxtaposition of that and the contrast!! It's so poetic to dig into the personal stakes of losing this relationship. So real!!

even though i shouldn't have impeded on
your privacy, i couldn't help but notice you
had multiple lilies. they all called you
the same thing; honeysuckle.

you called me a black dahlia,
so i left you a poppy.

I'm assuming you are a new member of YWS, so welcome on in! May I interest you in a review? If so, listen.

The first thing I noticed about this poem is the format it is written in. Unlike most traditional poems, this one takes on quite the creative challenge of formatting each line on another side. I really like this type of format, but I think you could have done more to vary each line position. Perhaps lines could be scattered back and forth instead of clumps of stanzas being on one side and the other. It would sort of symbolize a conversation between two ideas, if you may.

The second thing is the botany references. I love all of these, especially the flowers you have chosen. Perhaps you could also look up specific plants that aren't quite common to make this slightly different than the ones you found. Many plants also have some sort of symbol association, too.

And the third to last thing is quite simple. The ending. Very shocking, but sort of sad. Do you know how to make this hit harder to the audience?

Overall, I think this is a great poem that takes on new, uncommon forms. Hope you continue to write more and more here.

Thank you for listening.

Sincerely,

Purple67