z

Young Writers Society



Silent River

by enzoguy15


Silent River

By: Josh G. (enzoguy15)

It was a peaceful, silent, autumn day. The leaves were abandoning their homes and gently gliding to the ground. The birds were chirping as they left their nests to fly south for the winter. Other than that the only noise that could be heard was the soft trickle of the river flowing by in an never ending cycle. It was around this time the river started to slow down and take away life itself. But none of this mattered to a young boy; because in a young boys eyes everything is forever.

The young boy approached the river. Humming a song with a fishing pole in one hand and a tackle box in another, He turned a corner dodged a tree and found what he was looking for. He was standing before a large rock that he and his father discovered many months ago and have gone fishing off of many times. The rock was tall like a small car, with a width and length of a large dinning table. He climbed up the rock, skillfully using the curves and holes placed there thousands of years ago by passing glaciers. He placed the fishing pole and tackle box to the left of him and looked down at the river. ‘What a magnificent sight this is’ thought the boy. Scanning the river he saw, a small fish swim by jumping up and grabbing a quick bug for lunch. He opened the tackle box, which was filled with a variety of hooks, bobbers and bait; and grabbed the first hook he found. He tied it to the line and put some bait on. He found the perfect spot to drop the line. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours, until the boy fell into a quiet sleep. The boy awoke when his fishing line jerked. He started to reel in the fish, but it broke free of the line and swam away cheerfully leaving a disappointed child sitting on a rock.

He stood up grabbed the fishing pole and tried fixing the line, and with a single hand fumbling around everything in that tackle box, he tried finding a hook. With a holler of pain the boy looked down at his finger to see a hook fully engorged in his finger. Blood oozed out of his fingers and he panicked. He started to cry and pace around the rock. He tried to pull it out but only made it worse. As the pain increased he started to pace faster and scream harder until, his feet slipped and he tumbled into the river. His head went under the icy water he kicked and frayed to get his head above the surface but his lungs were burning with the sensation to breath. Panic set in and creped into his mind; breath breath. Fatally he made the mistake of listening to his brain and opened his mouth. Water entered his mouth down his throat and infiltrated his lungs. He couldn’t get the water out. His heart pounded faster and harder. It felt as though it would break through his chest and burst out. His body jerked violently until his heart slowed and peace descended on the small limp frame. He had drowned that day. The lake froze over as winter approached leaving the child’s body on the river bed. As the current dragged the lifeless body wherever it wished, until the spring came.

* * *

Finally the remains of the boy came to the shore line of a small pond where the river ended. His body began to peacefully decay. When summer ended his body was gone but in place of his body were flowers, which had grown over his final resting place. In the hills full of flowers, symbolizing other misfortunate children. The cycle of the silent river repeats.


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Sat May 17, 2008 9:22 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hey,

I'm copy/pasting again!


It was a peaceful, silent, autumn day. The leaves were abandoning their homes and gently gliding to the ground. [<<<love this sentence! :D] The birds were chirping as they left their nests to fly south for the winter. Other than that [comma] the only noise that could be heard was the soft trickle of the river flowing by in an never ending cycle. It was around this time the river started to slow down and take away life itself. But none of this mattered to a young boy; because in a young boys [should be boys' with an apostrophe] eyes everything is forever.
The young boy approached the river. Humming a song with a fishing pole in one hand and a tackle box in another, He turned a corner [comma] dodged a tree and found what he was looking for. He was standing before a large rock that he and his father discovered many months ago and have gone fishing off of many times. The rock was tall like a small car, with a width and length of a large dinning table. He climbed up the rock, skillfully using the curves and holes placed there thousands of years ago by passing glaciers. He placed the fishing pole and tackle box to the left of him and looked down at the river. ‘What a magnificent sight this is’ thought the boy. Scanning the river he saw, a small fish swim by jumping up and grabbing a quick bug for lunch. He opened the tackle box, which was filled with a variety of hooks, bobbers and bait; and grabbed the first hook he found. He tied it to the line and put some bait on. He found the perfect spot to drop the line. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours, until the boy fell into a quiet sleep. The boy awoke when his fishing line jerked. He started to reel in the fish, but it broke free of the line and swam away [comma] cheerfully leaving a disappointed child sitting on a rock.
He stood up [comma] grabbed the fishing pole and tried fixing the line, and with a single hand fumbling around everything in that tackle box, he tried finding a hook. With a holler of pain the boy looked down at his finger to see a hook fully engorged in his finger. Blood oozed out of his fingers and he panicked. He started to cry and pace around the rock. He tried to pull it out but only made it worse. [new paragraph] As the pain increased [comma] he started to pace faster and scream harder until, his feet slipped and he tumbled into the river. His head went under the icy water he kicked and frayed to get his head above the surface but his lungs were burning with the sensation to breath. Panic set in and creped into his mind; breath breath. Fatally he made the mistake of listening to his brain and opened his mouth. Water entered his mouth down his throat and infiltrated his lungs. He couldn’t get the water out. His heart pounded faster and harder. It felt as though it would break through his chest and burst out. His body jerked violently until his heart slowed and peace descended on the small limp frame. He had drowned that day. The lake froze over as winter approached leaving the child’s body on the river bed. As the current dragged the lifeless body wherever it wished, until the spring came.
* * *
Finally the remains of the boy came to the shore line of a small pond where the river ended. His body began to peacefully decay. When summer ended [comma] his body was gone but in place of his body were flowers, which had grown over his final resting place. In the hills full of flowers, symbolizing other misfortunate children. The cycle of the silent river repeats.

Very very sad but the ending seemed fitting to the whole piece.

So, plus to that! :D

It was a nice piece. It was well written and I like how you use just "boy". I know I said in your other story that you should give your characters names. But now, I'm begining to like your style and leaving the characters nameless. I'm not sure why, but I like that!

Well, keep up the good work!




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Thu May 15, 2008 9:54 pm
Mad wrote a review...



It was a peaceful, silent, autumn day. The leaves were abandoning their homes and gently gliding to the ground. The birds were chirping as they left their nests to fly south for the winter. Other than that the only noise that could be heard was the soft trickle of the river flowing by in an never ending cycle. It was around this time the river started to slow down and take away life itself. But none of this mattered to a young boy; because in a young boys eyes everything is forever.


The introduction sounds a bit off in places and jumps around too suddenly. It seems that your trying to hurriedly establish the setting - short stories can be short, but take some time and refine it establish the setting a bit better. Yes, it's autumn, yes we have trees, yes we have a river... are they together? Where exactly are they? The river provides life? To what? Because at the moment I don't see it being surrounded by anything.

I liked the young boys and forever, it's a nice phrase.

Main body of work here - split it up a bit, make it easier to read and review.

Apart from some filler about getting into position to fish this could be said simply as, the fish, "broke free of the line and swam away cheerfully leaving a disappointed child sitting on a rock."

he kicked and frayed?


Panic set in and crept into his mind; breath breath.


End result: He's dead. However, his character hasn't been at all established and I'm left rather uncaring. What you need to do is make a more likable character. You don't have to do it with an overt, he helped grannies cross the road but just take some time to give some subtle indicators. That is if you want the character to be likable, you could just as easily choose to make him someone unlikable - It all depends on what you want to do, however inspiring and indifference to his circumstances isn't the way to go.

Finally the remains of the boy came to the shore line of a small pond where the river ended. His body began to peacefully decay. When summer ended his body was gone but in place of his body were flowers, which had grown over his final resting place. In the hills full of flowers, symbolizing other misfortunate children. The cycle of the silent river repeats.


You need to take some time over this. What you have here, in it's entirety is a very short short story and so what you need to do is make everything that you write meaningful and expressive not to mention well phrased.

Here, you only character has died and your ending isn't heart wrenching or expressive of something worth understanding or realizing - though you may have some good ideas for it you need to maybe add some more detail.

You general plot. It has something to it boy goes fishing, boy dies, cycle continues. Fine, rough outline. Now you need to consider some details.

What is the boy doing? Fishing - why? Does he enjoy fishing?
Why only have one character? To express his loneliness to use that to summon empathy?
What does the fish have to do with the wider story? Can it be made symbolic of something? A small fish that represents a short life, a unique fish to represent uniqueness?

Themes - You don't have any, besides maybe a halfhearted grasp at a continuing cycle. Elucidate it, make it more interesting, consider some symbols (like the fish) like the river which is a very loose ambiguous one present now.

Narrative - Maybe you should consider a more direct first person, have the boy narrate the details and aid that connection. Or make it third person and follow more closely his journey, describe the scenery better the going ons etc.

I mean, I don't fish, don't think I will and so don't find it of much interest but if you take something like Hemingway's old man and the sea (man fights with a giant fish for days with a giant fish, catches it only to have sharks eat it and comes back half dead) I'm interested. Here I'm not.




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Thu May 15, 2008 8:16 pm
TNCowgirl wrote a review...



Hahaha, I love your bump!

enzoguy15 wrote: But none of this mattered to a young boy; because in a young boys eyes everything is forever.

boy's

The young boy approached the river. Humming a song with a fishing pole in one hand and a tackle box in another,

. not ,

Alright, it was good. But like other writers I've seen you do a lot of He did this He did that. You want to smooth it out a little. But other then that it was good. I won't crit your other thing, there are already a lot of crits and I have to get back to cleaning the house.

But good job!!!!!!




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Thu May 15, 2008 6:35 pm
enzoguy15 says...



very good!





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