Young Writers Society

I like this, but I think it needs to be longer. Put in some more emotions and descriptions, extend it a little bit, and it should be great.

It was this kind of day that you wish you never got out of bed.

Parents used to tell me that this was exposed to be the only safe place for a kid to go.

Now that I see what this is all about. I guess sometimes parents are wrong.

But the worst part about it is no one will ever see me again.

I looked at the teenager who held it, I knew he was a junior, I knew his name.

Also we were friends at a point

as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests.

cant

Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now I was finally realizing what I have don’t and who it had hurt

spiral down

Hi! Interesting piece, though I'm not sure the emotions came across as best as you though they could.

I stand between the thin string that divides life and death

dead in-between

I looked at the teenager who held it, I knew he was a junior, I knew his name. Also we were friends at a point, but as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests. Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now I was finally realizing what I have don’t and who it had hurt.

This was very interesting, but not very detailed I have to think on it, I'm not exctly sure I like it or if I hate it... Sorry this Crit isn't very much help but I'm actually confused here....

-Max

Good Job, I'm very interested to see what happens. You did make a few mistakes that I'd like to point out though. The bold shows words that you should either change or just put in there. The crossed out words means that your story would run more smoothly if you omitted them.

It was that kind of day that you had wished you never got out of bed. My parents used to tell me that this was supposed to be the only safe place for a kid to go. Now that I see what this is all about, I guess sometimes parents are wrong.


Here I stand looking down the barrel of a .22 Cobolt hand pistol. I stand between the thin string that divides life and death and this is one string that I would never want to be on, and now I was. This was it [s]I thought[/s]. I couldn’t believe this would happen to me. But the worst part about it is no one will ever see me again.


I stood in the hall scared and nervous with a gun pointed [s]dead[/s] in-between my eyes. I looked at the teenager who held it, [s]I knew he was[/s] a junior, I knew his name. [s]Also [/s]we were friends at one point, but as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests. Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now that I was finally realizing what I have done and who it had hurt. I guess I cant blame him for being mad or furious [s]at[/s] (try with) me, but this has taken it too far.


He spoke to me, “Do you [s]finally [/s] (the repetition of finally realize sounds stange try to fix that) realize what you have done? Or do I have to help a little?” his voice was soft cold and dark. His veins were popping out of his face and neck. His hand gripped the gun harder and harder. I could see the bullet in the gun and the sides of the barrel that looked like a spiral [s]down[/s], and I knew if he shot that bullet it would come spinning in a perfect line towards me.

The only thing I could do was shiver. Until I finally built up enough courage to speak.
"I'm... I'm... I'm Sorry!"

And with those final words a cruel piercing shot.