Published December 11, 2007
This is kinda stream-of-conscoiusness...so it might not make sense in some parts. it's about my now-ex-boyfriend. ech.
i'm sorry it's so long. that's one thing i need help with...
_______________________________________________________________________
I'm not techinically
Saying it's
Your fault
But you did this
Without knowing
What goes on
Inside
Everyday
My devotion
Must mean nothing
But it means something
An escape from
Prevoius hells before
TO happiness
At least
If nothing else
Though it slips
Right through
My grasp
Into oblivion
Only to return
Dancing before my eyes
Then disappearing
Again
It's how I feel
That matters
To me
This was real
How I felt
To you
But it's not
And I want to
Make you feel
How I feel
But I can't
Becausee I know you're not
Like the others
You wouldn't do
What they did
But I still hate you
Like you did
So what's the point
Of restraint
When it hurts
When it's easier
To just let go
And have at it
I just want you
To know
How I
feel
I'ts never easy
Always easier
Said
Than done
TO just let go
And carry on
March away
Like the soldier
I'm t be
That's all
I just wanted
You to
know
That's all.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
You can rant via poetry if you so should wish my dear!
I do agree that maybe you could double some of the lines up so there are words on the line. This would most likely successfully improve the flow of the piece and make it a lot easier to read.
It makes me laugh when eople say things are wrong on a subjective matter...keep positive!
This sounds more like a rant to someone you're extremely annoyed with, rather than poetry. And I must agree with Via, the formatting is very difficult to read. So take her advice on that if you want to keep this as a poem. But as it is, I think this is better put as a letter not to be sent. Another minor point, there's a lot of little typos. Just be sure to clean those up before you submit anything final.
Other than that, welcome to the YWS! Keep on writing!
~Yoyo
Um, well...my first and only complaint with this at the moment is the format.
I can't tell you how taxing it is to read a poem that only has 1-3 words per line. It is impossible to make a flow that this kind of format, and while the reader moves from line to line there is a break, so in some places there is a break between every one or two words and that's just crazy. The purpose of linebreaks is simply that, to break. Keep that in mind when you are writing. If you would not naturally break between the words, then don't break them.