So, it’s a normal day at school. Meaning, I’m pissed off and David is trying to talk me out of blowing our cover by ripping my teacher to absolute shreds. Actually, I would never do that, but I just like to make him worry. He’s so gullible. I’m leaning against a wall, looking casual but not acting it, and David is pacing frantically in front of me.
"Seriously, Asriel, it’s not worth it." David is so tense the veins in his arms are bulging through his skin. I, however, remain calmly poised against the wall, arms crossed, with thoughts of homicide. (Oh, yeah. We wolf-people can read each other werewolf’s thoughts. Good for communication, bad for privacy.)
"And since when have I cared?" My voice is liquid smooth, no hint of taunting to give me away, thinking or otherwise. David is standing still as a statue, save for his left hand fisting and unfisting.
"It’s just a research paper. You’re way overreacting here." His jaw is clenched tight, making his words hiss. I just smile.
"It’s my research paper that I researched fully. I want the full credit. But, according to the teacher, the results have to be accurate." My voice is a little terse by the time I finish.
"The one about mythological creatures, right? Let me guess, you chose werewolves, right?" I nod. Naturally. "Well, then, what do you expect? The teacher doesn't’t know the truth, so why push it?" In response, my thoughts become bloodier. Then, unexpectedly, an image of a huge tawny wolf invades my thoughts, causing me to jump all of three inches off the ground. I take pride in my self-control. At the same time, David jumps back. James is suddenly beside us, his six-foot-plus frame looming ominously over our tiny bodies.
"Asriel, what’s going on?" He has a fairly deep voice, easily overheard over the after-school rush. Of course he asks me, I’m the only one smart enough to cause trouble. So, in return, I flash him my toothy grin, fangy canines and all, and conjure up and image of my mythology teacher being ripped to shreds. By me. James twitches.
"Asriel, I swear-" he starts, but I cut him off by holding my hand up, palm facing him. Stop. My thoughts turn to my true feelings. I honestly don’t care. It’s just one bad grade. Both James and David glare at me, simultaneously.
Bryson and Zachary walk up, Zachary’s mind storming with emotions and Bryson trying to calm him down mentally.
"What’s going on?" James asks. The whole story spills out of Zachary’s mind, his eyes wide the whole time. Apparently he pissed of a group of jocks. I snort.
"Stupid football players." I mutter, and one cue three of them show up. They’re enormously huge, by human standards. Probably form steroids. The largest one is the quarterback, unmistakably.
Immediately, the four of us surround Zach. As if he needs it, though. But it’s more intimidating, and realistic, that way. The quarterback walks straight up to James. He only comes up to his nose, with only half the muscularity. I suppress the urge to laugh my head clean off my shoulders. All three of them reek with fear. And we all know this, especially James.
"Move over." The one up in James’ face says. James crosses his arms.
"Make me." He spits back. The other two step forward. So do we.
"You’re outnumbered." James simply states. His face is an inhuman glare. He’s trying hard not to just let out a bloodcurdling growl and rip all three of them to pieces. We have to help him control himself.
“Girls don’t count,” one of the other two jeer. My eyes land on his face.
“You wanna prove that?” I narrow my eyes at him, and he instantly shrinks back. After a long stare-down, the jocks finally back off. But not before the leader takes one last look back at Zachary and sneers.
"Later, moron." He promises. They walk off. David lets out a growl he had been holding in. I chuckle. Zachary is glaring daggers. At us.
"It’s better that way, Zach. They know not to mess with us, especially more than one of us." James says. Zach backs off then, but just a little. James, satisfied, walks off, with David and Bryson close behind. I say behind with Zachary. I admit, I have a bit of a soft spot for the kid. But I’m not allowed to date anyone in the pack, even James. He says it would create too much tension.
"Why?" he asks me.
"Because James is an ass when it comes to one of us being threatened. Even when the subject did it on purpose." I grin devilishly. Zach grins back and blushes slightly, out of guilt for being caught.
"I wanted to prove myself." He states simply.
"I know."
"But does James know that I-"
"Probably not, but, just the same-"
"And you knew-"
"Female intuition." I flash another grin, and tousle his chocolate brown hair. He shakes it back into place.
"Okay. But can I ask you one thing?" he asks me, boldly.
"Shoot." I tell him.
"Stop cutting me off. It’s annoying." He strides off. I snort, and mentally stick my tongue out at him.
You’re so childish, Asriel, he shoots back.
Deal with it. I turn and walk away.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
pssst...lethero, heatherish...
----> Blood Moon: Prologue
----> Blood Moon: Word From the Not-So-Wise
i know they're not great, adn i'm combining them (in some way) but there's the info you keep asking for....
First off, Werewolves Rule!!!!! Ok, to business, the story needs more description like where is this school and what do Zachary and James look like besides their heigth, what are they wearin', ect.... The grammar, I didn't find anything the others didn't catch, but it's good (probably biased because I'm a Werewolf person). If you need me to crit more, please ask.
*pawprint*
Lethero the Werewolf
i like the story so far. i agree with the whole jumping three feet in the air thing too. it sounded awkward when i read it. i like the dynamic of the "pack" and the way their characters work off of each other if that makes sense. i also agree that description would be nice. like what do they look like for example. i think you only mentioned the hair color of one person in it. all together its a good start though.
Minor grammatical things, but I'm sure many others have already mentioned that, so I won't annoy you. I know it's more difficult in first-person, but I would like to see more description of the characters, and the story should also flow more. I felt it was difficult to follow in places, such as the sequence with the football players. Just a few suggestions, good work, and I hope to see more! ^^
Well, I would definitely choose this over Blood and Chocolate any day. And that's very very good. I love your style.
The pacing was perfect for me because I like fast paced stories. I don't think this is really cliche. I mean, I like reading about clique wars and all that other stuff; I just love it. Also, I've started loving vampires ever since I read Twilight (you mentioned that there would be vampires), so of course, I think this story is going to be awesome. Plus, I like how your characters talk to each other. It's very natural.
This paragraph is a little choppy. It jumps around a lot and it doesn't flow smoothly. Maybe you could edit this up a bit.
I think everyone else caught your other mistakes (there wasn't really a lot). I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Nariel
yeah, well, like i said in chapter two...i'm revising already, so i'll keep all that in mind, including the names. I got Asriel because i just asked a random person in one of my classes what i should name this person and this is what they gave me. i never thought it wasn't even feminine...>.> but thanks, i really needed to know that. ^_^ seriously. her name never sat well with me for at least one of the reasons you mentioned.
but right now, i'll keep to what i have, to minimize confusion...mainly for myself.
My first thought is: what is a kid named Asriel doing in a modern fantasy, which I have to assume this is? Asriel is just not the kind of name people (much less girls; it's a masculine name) have; even if her parents were religious nuts, they'd hardly name their darling baby after the angel of death; Gabriel (or Gabrielle), Michael (or Michelle) are much more likely angel-names.
These things can be explained, but make sure you have a logical explanation for her strange name, especially considering that the rest of her pack has very normal names.
Secondly, fantasy types usually try to keep themselves secret. Anne Rice's vampires are never, ever supposed to reveal themselves except to the other vampires they sire; JK Rowling's wizards have all sorts of systems in place to keep themselves secret from the outside, nonmagical world. Why is your werewolf so keen to out her people? (If the story is about her making people know about real werewolves, why doesn't she do it on a grander scale than a research paper?)
Which brings me to point number three: have you ever written a real research paper? Ever source you cite has to be verifiable and academically acceptable, which would mean one of two things: there is literature (here, written work) about the existence of werewolves as Asriel knows them, or she failed to cite any academic sources and therefore deserves to fail the paper and really shouldn't be complaining about it.
This brings me to my next point: the stereotypical freak-against-the-preps/jocks fight, which the freak inevitably wins. It's boring to read about, it's cliché, and honestly, it's high school; almost nobody out of high school (and a lot of people in high school) don't want to read about it. You can write about high school without writing about clique wars.
too late. already smashed the computer!!!
but thanks anyway...
nah, i don't really take these things personally. they help, so i can't.
Rtas - there's no point in me reviewing this because I'd just repeat what you've already heard. But I'm really sorry for my earlier comments...I sounded sooo mean. Don't take it personally.
Anyways, I'm off to read Ch. 2!
Hello there!
Well... Not the most intriguing werewolf story I've read, but it's by far not the worst either. This story is set in the middle. I suspect this is only the first draft, which of course means there is plenty of time for improvement.
The first sentence is a major turn off for the reader - me. The opening line is crucial in snagging your audience, and you just say, "So, it's a normal day?" I don't care what day it is, nor if it's normal... Either cut the first sentence out entirely or dress it up a little. Make it jump out, and physically grab me. Be creative. As for the rest of the paragraph, it read, "So... blah blah... I'm pissed... Blah Blah... Let's go rip the teacher apart... Blah..." Yawn? The whole paragraph sounds like an over dramatic soap opera. Try and describe David and the other character in a few details, and possibly drop a few hints about their characters, their motives.
And James? He just dropped out of the sky... Where the heck did he come from? Did he just pop out of someone's ear? Take your time, and don't rush.
I noticed that you seem to enjoy describing voices/tones...
Werewolf stories are rather difficult because of all the cliches. I suggest keep them original and maybe stick with a few of the old myths but make them your own.
Good luck!
I'm going to give this a better critique later, but there was something that really, really bugged me.
This sounds a lot like Twilight. There's the whole Vampire/Werewolf thing, and in Twilight the werewolves can read each others minds. Just like in your story...
Also, Asriel is a name from Philip Pullman's 'His dark materials'.
Sorry for the really bad review - I'll come back later for a better one.
Yay! I'm so happy you posted the next part.
Okay, here we go. First off, I thought this chapter was really choppy. It moved from one scene to another too fast, without giving the reader time to comprehend things. Also, you randomly throw in the mind-reading thing. It's like--can these wolves do EVERYTHING? If you must include mind-reading (which is good, but maybe it should be more like sudden prophetic visions), show, don't tell.
I was a little confused with all the characters, but that's probably because it's been a while since I read the last part with the bios. I'm starting to remember who's who now.
The scene with the jocks could be a chapter in itself. It would be really exciting if they had a fight at sunset, and Asriel gets so mad she changes into her wolf form, and that creates chaos at the school, and the whole pack is forced to leave...Sorry, I don't want to control your story.
Even though it moves fast, you have a great grasp of dialogue. So good job with that.
This is a really good story and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
That was really good. I'm really starting to like Asriel (sorry if its mispelled) Same thing about the whole mind reading part, I think you should work on that a little. You said that there will be vampires, right? So when do they exactly come in?? *curiousity* Hope to see some more of Blood Moon, you've already got me hooked.
--Lucky
Okay, I don't write or really even read werewolf stories, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say your story sounds good. The character flaws you've introduced are great.
Your characters seem like a great group, but I think maybe you shoud mention the school a bit more. For example- why are they taking mythology? What is the teacher's name? What does the teacher look like? If they are teenagers, they spend time in school, so a description of it would be helpful.
There are a few grammatical errors that you probably would have found if you'd gotten someone else to proofread it before posting; just small things so I wont spend any time on them.
unfisting isn't a word. I would say 'his fist was clenching and unclenchingThis kinda destroys the whole idea of her trying to fool him. Since she is conciously toying with him, he would read her thoughts and recognize that, so the whole chapter is somewhat pointless.
the 'all of' part of that sentence is unecessary and sounds odd. Also, you shouldn't always put exact measurements in writing. You could just say 'causing me to jump, startled.'
It seems to me that these werewolves dont care if they get revealed. The threaten other students, and dont seem to try to hide what they are.
In reality (or as real as weres get) they wouldn't be so lax about their secret; it's the only thing that protects them from human fears ect.