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Young Writers Society



Blood Moon: Chapter Four

by enjeru


I instinctively jump back a couple of feet and assess this creature. He is much like the other three, but much different as well. He is a bit shorter, and a hell of a lot skinnier, but with the same well-toned body. His eyes are dark green, like emeralds, and his hair is blondish-brown and tousled. He has the same chalk-white complexion, and I’m sure if I touched him, his skin would be freezing. His features are perfect, if hardened and slightly predator-like, and amazingly beautiful, even more so than the others. I try to avoid his face as I carefully examine him, for fear of being entranced by his mesmerizing face. Neither of us speak for the longest time, too busy scrutinizing each other.

“Cat got your tongue?” he finally asks, breaking the silence. I growl at him, the sound low, from deep within my chest.

“Get out.” I bark. His face falls. He looks genuinely hurt.

“You wouldn’t send me back to those executioners, now would you?” he pouts. I realize who he is then.

“You’re the traitor they told me about, aren’t you?” I ask.

“The one and only.”

“And you’re…proud of that fact?” He simply nods. “Then you definitely deserve to go back.” I take an aggressive stance, my face set in a hard glare, my fangs bared in a feral snarl, about to attack. The vampire holds his hands up, in truce.

“Look, I’m not going to hurt you.” He takes a step forward. I take one back.

“Don’t. Move.” I hiss. He drops his hands.

“I’m sorry. I suppose I am quite intimidating at first. We should probably have some formalities. Like names.” He says quickly. “I’m Christopher.”

I grunt. I am having no affiliation with that…thing.

“You’re still on my territory.” My voice keeps its threatening tone.

“And that is the safest place for me at the moment.” He states, as if it’s an obvious fact.

“You sure sound confident about that.” I retort. He smiles smugly.

“Because I know you can’t hurt me.” His eyes glint with the challenge. It’s all I need. I leap towards him, phasing in midair, aiming for him.

But he’s not there.

Instead, I’m going for the tree he was standing in front of. I quickly twist my body around, and use all four paws to push off the trunk, and land smoothly on the ground. Immediately, I phase back and look around for him.

“Told you.” The voice comes from behind me. I whip around--and standing, not two inches form me, is the vampire, Christopher.

“Can you tell me your name now?” He cocks his head. I growl. Again.

“No.”

“Why not?” he asks, “I told you I wasn’t going to hurt you.” He makes the mistake of putting his hand on my shoulder.

Quick as lightning, I grab his wrist with both my hands and throw him clean over the boundary. He is, surprisingly, heavier than I thought he would be, but I didn’t let it show. He just sits there for a while, looking stunned. I let a fierce snarl rip through my chest.

“Stay away form here, leech!” I yell at him. “That’s what you’re supposed to do! I hate you, you hate me! Keep it that way!” I bound off, not giving him a chance to answer, phasing back again to get away all the faster. I don’t come back to that place.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s nearly dawn before I stop again. I don’t quite recognize the area, but it does seem familiar, and inviting. A small stream bubbles nearby. It has somewhat of a calming effect on me. I walk over ot it, still a wolf, and lap up a little of the water. Suddenly overcome with thrist, I dunk my muzzle in and drink more deeply, sucking up what seems like gallon sof the delicious, ice cold stream. Finally satisfied, I phase back and collapse into a pile of leaf litter. I listen to my heart as it slows, keeping one ear open for anything suspicious. I sure hope that vampire didn’t follow me, but I don’t hear anything.

I realize I’m singing to myself. This isn’t too uncommon, except that I don’t know the song. The I feel a buzzing in my head. It hits me. Duh, my block is still up. I let it down.

Asriel? It’s Zachary.

Yes? Sheesh, even my mental voice sounds shaky.

Are you alright? He asks.

Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?

Well, you’re in my area. I hear something behind me, and turn around to see what it is.

Zachary.

“Oh! I’m so sorry, Zach!” I jump up. I want nothing more right now than to be smacked, in the face, for my stupidity. Zach smiles.

“That’s ok.” He says. Then, “Asriel?”

“Yes, Zach?”

“I’m sorry.” I smile a little.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I feel sorry, regardless…you still looked freaked out. Is that why you’re over here?”

“Yes.” I quickly reply. That’s partially why, at least. “I don’t really want to go back.”

“Well, we can switch positions, if you want.” I stiffen, suddenly worrying if Christopher was still there, or if he had run off. I don’t want Zach to find him. I stop myself. Why am I protecting this leech? I shake my head to clear the thought.

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.” I tell him. And with that, he strides off, leaving me alone again. I flop onto the ground, and examine everything that happened earlier.

One: The vampires are back. Perhaps they never even left.

Two: James risked my life to get those filthy creatures. That’s something he’s never done before.

Three: This one vampire I met, Christopher, he’s just…well…strange. He didn’t freak when we came in proximity of each other. It was like…he was indifferent. Like he was examining me, trying to get to know me. Like he…wanted to like me. Just like we were both human, and not mortal enemies.

I think about this last one for a long time, being careful not to let any of my brothers in on what’s going through my head. I know James would explode if he found out.

A soft breeze stirs through the area, rustling the leaves overhead. The sound soothes me, and I take a deep breath and let it out. The breeze comes again, like a caressing hand.

Suddenly, shadow looms over me.


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40 Reviews


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Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:41 am
enjeru says...



eh-heh...yeah, i realized i might be getting a little too into The Twilight thing. I've made a note (a BIIIIIGGGG note) in my rough draft to change it up. (which i'm already editing)

but, thanks for all the help. i really appreciate it. ^__^ *luffles Arya*

i do hope to get chpater 5 up soon....but you're going to have to wait a bit after that. I'm still in the process of writing chapter 6, and its not going so well...>.> *mumbles something about school and stupid ex-boyfriends* eh-hem....yeah.

love all around!!

~enjeru




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Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:31 am
Wolf wrote a review...



I'm here to [s]tear up[/s] critique chapter four! :D

He is much like the other three, but much different as well. He is a bit shorter, and a hell of a lot skinnier, but with the same well-toned body. His eyes are dark green, like emeralds, and his hair is blondish-brown and tousled. He has the same chalk-white complexion, and I’m sure if I touched him, his skin would be freezing. His features are perfect, if hardened and slightly predator-like, and amazingly beautiful, even more so than the others. I try to avoid his face as I carefully examine him, for fear of being entranced by his mesmerizing face.


Meh. Your vampires are identical to Twilight's. You should come up with more original ideas, methinks. I know you're creative enough!

“Get out.” I bark.


Replace the period after 'out' with a comma. :wink:

The vampire holds his hands up, in truce.


I don't think the comma is necessary.

“And that is the safest place for me at the moment.” He states, as if it’s an obvious fact.


Period after 'moment' = comma. :)

“You sure sound confident about that.” I retort.


Period after 'that' = comma.

Suddenly overcome with thrist, I dunk my muzzle in and drink more deeply, sucking up what seems like gallon sof the delicious, ice cold stream.


Typo? :wink:

Finally satisfied, I phase back and collapse into a pile of leaf litter.


You use the word 'phase' a lot... are there any synonyms for it that you could use?

“Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.” I tell him.


Period after 'idea' = comma. =p

I flop onto the ground, and examine everything that happened earlier.


No comma necessary. :P

-------------------------------------------

Wow, this is getting intense! This is definitely less choppy and more developed than the previous chapter. I like it. :)
And talk about a cliffhanger ending! Write more soon, okay?

But once again, the Twilight similarities really bothered me. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh about them, but I know you have it in you to be more original - you just need to let it free!

I totally love the narrator's voice. It's humorous, slightly immature (that's a good thing) and with a good level of description. The characters are really well-developed, too.

Good luck with Chapter Five!

- Camille




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Fri Jan 25, 2008 5:49 pm
~nariel~ wrote a review...



Yay! Chapter 4 is up! Okay first thing. Your vampires are just way too much like Stephanie Meyer's. Maybe you could keep the cold skin and change some other things around. Maybe he can be half vampire? That would be a good reason for him to be a traitor (he wouldn't want to be like all the rest of the campires). Just an idea.

Your dialogue runs together very smoothly. I like this chapter better than the others becasue it's not so choppy.

Quick as lightning, I grab his wrist with both my hands and throw him clean over the boundary. He is, surprisingly, heavier than I thought he would be, but I didn’t let it show. He just sits there for a while, looking stunned. I let a fierce snarl rip through my chest.


Lol, I like this paragraph.

A soft breeze stirs through the area, rustling the leaves overhead. The sound soothes me, and I take a deep breath and let it out. The breeze comes again, like a caressing hand.


Nice description here.

All in all, *claps* very good. Your style is totally awesome so, PM me when you get the next chapter up.





And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley