This is a poem I wrote for (and about) my girlfriend. It's just about the first poem I've ever written - which is shocking for a student of English I know. 
Any comments are welcome (especially nice ones!)
--------------
A momentary imagined return to her arms is enough, and
The (not even) half memory becomes sufficient and yes,
Yes I am back in her arms, fully now as the half-read
Sentence in the half-read page of the book I really should read
Slips to the floor. Abandoned for now at least. Abandoned.
Marching armies of letters in the trick of the light
Look. Look up accusing. Can they not conjure images as vivid?
The goddesses of Greek Mythology with radiant beauty to
Outshine any mortal lie discarded, unwanted, unable to progress in
Godly matters as their reader's mind recalls a greater beauty still.
Barren leaves of books on which even magnificent metaphors
Fall short of my memory of her.
Her bright eyes unforgettable, jewels on that sad, frosty night and then
Black hair in the harsh, hot sun - more vivid imagery, but for my love
Now. Tender lips, untouchable. Soft, firm hips make my fingertips tingle in
Anticipation. Wanting to turn the page of my memory but racing to the
Final, unwritten page. The crazy colour scheme of my imagined artwork;
Red runs down the memory, filling the blank, white – innocent –
Canvas. Two shades of coffee, first creamy liquid, then darker granules;
A climactic shock of pink, a flower opening softly as December sun sets
On the convincing memory which is yet to happen.
Imagined beauty, for a moment wildly hopeful and lovely
Yet equally temporal as a tiny flame dying
In the enclosure of a small flower. And now I am left with a desire
To live my memory and a beautiful smile. And my grey book.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I agree with Sam (who is increasingly convincing me she is lying about her age
) that it's not that this is too wordy, but you should break it up. The rythm is a bit awkward to me, and so this would fix that, too.
But I love your imagery and the words you choose.
Very nicely done.
It wasn't actually that wordy, you just need to break up the lines some so that it doesn't appear that way. (also, since your lines are continuations of the last ones, I would have the first word of each line in lowercase. Makes it easier to read.)
See this?
This section would be a lot better as:
Don't be afraid to break up lines, separate them, transpose them.
It's a lot more interesting to the reader if you have different sentence/line lengths, because you have to keep reading, or you don't know when it ends. That's why I broke up the first block a lot and then left one long sentence and then your four-word ending. It's a lot more visually appealing now than one hunk of black text.
I really enjoyed this. Maybe it was a BIT wordy, but not too bad. I agree that an increase in imagery and sounds is good, but this is a beautiful start, especially for a first poem. Very nice. Good job.
Yes, I agree, I should probably work more on imagery and sounds. I love Derek Walcott for that reason; his poems are amongst the most vivid I've read. Anyone read anything by him? And anyone else, feel free to comment on mine!
I like it, but like Ieatworms said it was a bit to wordy, but really good for a first poem!
I bit wordy... actually, it sounds a lot like an english major. Just remember that words mean more but count for less in poetry. Verbal sounds and images ccount for more.