Published January 26, 2009
This piece as well as all the others in my profile as of December 30-10 have been removed because I haven't been on YWS in years and all have either undergone extensive editing or have been dropped. Please see my new polished versions. Escaping Fate: Endless Secrets has become book 1 in a series named THE VEIL and the title of book 1 is STRUCK (just FYI) Thanks everyone.
Ciao!
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141,471 Literary Works • 674,496 Reviews
Hey Lindsey
Thanks so much for the review! I will definately fix up those little errors you found and you are completely right about my lack of sensory description. i'll definately add some more of that.
Thanks again.
Hiya!
I really like this sentence because I find myself doing things that I'm not consciously aware of. Nice work on getting the reader the relate to the text!
Overall:
It was a nice piece, but it wasn't that good. Not many events took place in this prologue and it just seems kind of pointless to put it up. If I were you, I would stretch this piece out longer and describe the setting a little more. It's about to rain, so the air should feel heavy and thick. Describe this in your piece. Maybe describe his emotions as he's about to jump off the cliff. However, I want to read more, which is always good. I want to know what happens with these two characters and why he wants to jump off this cliff. Just work on portraying the setting and characters a little more.
-Lindsey