Removed by Author

The Review:
*entertaining
*describing
*never once did the story drag it was always a good pace.
*great foreshadowing.
*charcter description excellent
*Tobias is a unique name
*overall the BEST!
HURRY UP ON THE NEXT CHAPTER!

hey everyone! thanks for all your reviews, i will be posting an edited copy of this within the next few hours and i would love your input when i am finished! Ii will be adding (edited) into the subtitle so you will know when i am done!

Thanks for reading!

that is true it is just a dream

Maybe its just the way I read it...its probably fine.

Still I cant wait for MORE!

well, everybody basically covered everything i was thinking...

so just listen to all of them.

anyhow, LOVED IT!

can't wait to read more!!!

keep writing!


-GC10

Sleeping Valor

Thanks again for your great review! I definately agree about her mother not having a big enough or long enough reaction, i am going to fix that.

Jules

I am going to try and put in a more detailed description and slow things down a bit in the dream, but it is a dream after all, so she isn't supposed to really be able to focus or understand what is happening.

Thanks for the tips!

Slammoth covered alot of it but there were a few things here and there that I saw...

The storm had died down by the time I was finished cleaning up the mess of broken glass and coffee strewn my bedroom floor.

When you said coffee strewn my bedroom floor it confused me a bit. Maybe change it to:

The storm had died down by the time I was finished cleaning up the mess of broken glass and the coffee that had strew my bedroom floor. Or something along those lines.

I was left holding a small pinecone, I flipped it over in my hands wondering what the meaning of it could be. When I found nothing on it I relaxed my tight muscles and leaned back onto my pillow.

'I relaxed my tight muscles' I dont know for sure but I think its suppose to be tightened muscles

Also when you started off on the dream you might want to describe a bit more in the beginning. I got a bit lost about what was happened. She was looking in a liquid pool then got pulled in from the other side or she was pulled away from it. I may have read or interpreted it wrong though. But the dream was a bit rushed which could have just been from you having the idea in your head and you wanted to get it down.

Other then that I really liked it! You kept my eyes glued to the screen. (which they now hurt)
But I cant wait for MORE!!!!!

Mwaha. Your story is sadly going to suffer the fate of all stories I like reading too much: I skipped the grammar. Sorry! it distracts me from the plot. =P No worries though, nothing huge stuck out to me besides that near the beginning one of your "I"s needed to be capitalized.

As for the rest: Awesomeness! I really do like the world concept, and the dreams intrigue me. I don't know where this is all going, obviously, which is something I like. You haven't just laid it all down flat for the readers, they are just as confused as the MC. On the other hand, you should be warry of cliche. I haven't seen any, but it could happen. So watch out and keep up with the lovely originality! ^_^

I definitely like it. Though, I felt a little dissapointed in the mother's reaction. These elf people are suposed to be evil-ish, no? Yet she calms down pretty quickly. This suprised me considering her mother was killed by the 'unseen'. She hardly asked as many questions as I might have. But that might just be her personality, or my imagination (as I have no children who are at risk of being kidnapped by fae people).

Good stuff! Keep it up!

^_^ Keek!

Slammoth

Once again, thank you for the amazing review *applause* I can already picture it with your tips and ideas, its going to get much better with them! I can't wait to start the editing! i'll probably post up an edited copy within the next two days!

Thanks! *gigantic smile*

Here we are again, me and the cloak! Let's see whatcha got!

endless_secrets wrote:1 (pt 2)

We landed somewhat more gracefully, this time into my bedroom. Tobias rapidly let go of my hand. A dizziness took me over and I almost fell flat on my face, but Tobias grabbed my arm and steadied me. If I didn’t sit down at this point I would have lost consciousness. He seemed to read my mind, he grabbed both my arms gently yet secure from behind and walked me to my bed, I didn’t bother to fight him off, i hadn’t the strength. I sat down, closed my eyes and let my head hang, finding out that I [s]was[/s] had been holding my breath the entire time we had been falling. They made it back! *Sigh of relief* Wait, I'm actually getting attached to your characters! Always a good sign. Unless you're planning a dramatic plot twist that will kill them both of course... You're not that cruel, right...? Oh, before I forget... LONG SENTENCE HURTS MY EYES. D:
The moment I was able to see properly, I noticed that my bedroom door was wholly off the hinges.
I heard myself make a moaning sound before I spoke, “Where is my mother?” Was all I managed to choke out.
“She’s on her way to your room as we speak, and she is coming very fast, she must have heard us land. Here...” He said and placed the wrapped item in my already open palms.
“Hailey, it is important that you open this as soon as you get a chance to. The man you saw is very dangerous, he will be back and so will I, please trust me Hailey, if you don’t, by default you are choosing death. Do not go anywhere alone, and do not go out at night, do you understand?” He instructed A comma here. his tone full of authority. Loong long LONG! You really have to start dividing your sentences in a sensible manner with dots and commas!
I looked up into his eyes, and then it was as if I had blinked him out of existence, he was gone without a trace, but his earthy scent still lingered in his absence.
Death? What did he mean by not choosing to trust him I was choosing death? How could I trust him? He is one of them, and I am human, disposable in their eyes.

“Hailey!” I could hear my mother’s frantic voice, and her quick footsteps coming down the hallway getting closer still.

Only a second before she entered my bedroom my instincts told me to hide the leafy thing in my hands. I tensed and looked quickly around my room for somewhere to put it, my eyes stopped on the top drawer of my dresser, but I knew she was getting to close for me to put it there, I panicked and threw it under my bed.

“Hailey! Thank god!” She ran and practically threw herself on me. “Where did you go? What happened? Are you alright? What happened to your lip?” Her skinny arms confined me and she was rocking me back and forth. Aaaaww.

“I’m alright mom, he didn’t hurt me.” I was bewildered by that fact.
She grabbed onto my arm then, and made me face her, “What? Who? Who took you away?” She held a perplex[s]ing[/s]ed? I mean, she was perplexed, not perplexing her daughter, yus? look.
“His name was Tobias...something, of the Elven fae.”
“And he knew that you could see him and he didn’t hurt you, or try to hurt you?” She looked slightly curious now, but worry overpowered it.
“All he wanted was my name. He didn’t hurt me mom.” I left out the part about him trying to tell me it was his purpose to protect me and that he said he was always near. Oh! That's a touch weird. But I don't mind... Some might consider it 'amateurish' though, perhaps? And the part about the thing hiding under my bed right now.

“Listen to me Hailey, if you ever see him again you need to tell me okay, right away. If he comes back I’m sure it won’t be for your phone number.” She said it like a threat, as in, if I didn’t tell her she would find out and I would be dead either way.
“Okay.” I said even though I knew that if he did come back and I lived to tell the tale I wouldn’t be telling it to her. If I did she would move us halfway around the world and probably make me change my name. After all that’s what we’ve been doing our entire lives. If one of the unseen finds out about us, we pack up and move right away, it’s happened a few times now. I’m actually surprised she didn’t announce that we were moving to California or Tim-buck-two, if there is such a place.
“And promise me that you won’t go looking for him.” I could tell she was deeply unsettled even thinking of such a thing.
“Okay.” I wondered why she would thin[s]g[/s]k that I would.
My mother looked at me with challenging eyes,You'll have more impact if you change the comma here to a dot. she didn’t believe me. She was waiting for me to swear to it, but I wasn’t sure if I could.
“Don’t worry mom, he won’t come back and I have no reason to go looking for him.” I was always a terrible liar, something inside me knew that today was not the last time I would be seeing Tobias, after all he said he would be back.

The storm had died down by the time I was finished cleaning up the mess of broken glass and coffee strewn my bedroom floor. My mother scarcely left my side the entire time, she said that she was concerned about him coming back. Then she insisted on waiting in my bedroom, right outside of the bathroom door while I had a shower.

“Hailey, I think you should sleep with me tonight.” She told me after I came back into my room.
“No mom, I’ll be fine, really. I don’t think he’s,” I cut myself off, “He won’t come back.”
“Hailey, please?” She asked but I refused to sleep with her as if I was five years old all over again. The last thing I wanted at this point was to be with her when all I needed was to be alone in the comfort of my own bedroom.

It took me nearly fifteen minutes to convince her that I could sleep by myself.
My alarm clock told me that it was almost 2:00am when I got into bed, but I was grateful that I didn’t have to set it. School had just ended in the last week. It was my last year and I was so overjoyed to be done with school, until my mom brought home a massive stack of college applications, the biggest I’ve ever seen.
I heard footsteps in the hallway and I spun my head around so fast that my neck cracked.
“Hailey, are you alright?” My mom must have noticed my sudden reaction to something as little as footsteps.
“Yeah I’m alright.” I said as I rubbed the sore muscle in my neck.
“Okay, I just wanted to say goodnight hun.”
“Goodnight mom.” I laid back down and yanked my blanket up over my ears, “Knock next time okay?”
“Sure, Goodnight.” She extended her hand to close my bedroom door, forgetting that she had already ripped it off its hinges.
“I’ll fix that tomorrow.” She made a nervous, short giggling noise and turned to walk away.
“Goodnight mom.” I repeated and laughed with her a little. That was a nice scene. I liked.

I got out of bed to close my window and stop the unusually cold night air from coming in, I pushed on the top of it and then jumped back as it slammed shut. I reached over and locked it. A man’s face, I was sure I saw a man’s face in my back shed window. No, I told myself, there is nothing there, just go to sleep. Very many "I did" sentences there. It gets repetitive. Try tying them together with and's or something?
A while after I heard my mother’s bedroom door close I reached under my bed to get what I had thrown under it earlier, I half expected it to have disappeared and somewhat hoped that it had.
It took me a few seconds to find it among all the other things under my bed, but it was there. Surprisingly I felt more [s]of[/s] Nothing needed here. excitement than fear when my fingers wrapped around it.
I placed it in one hand and examined it, the leaves concealing whatever was inside were very large and shaped like a spade that you could find in a deck of cards. I could also tell that they were fresh and they smelled like Tobias.

What could the harm be in opening it now? That sounded somewhat awkward. I'd put "Where" instead of What. I wondered, finding no reason good enough not to open it. My breathing quickened when I pulled off the first piece of twine, letting a leaf loose. I pulled off the other piece of twine and the leaves all began to peel themselves off.
I was left holding a small pinecone, Make it a dot. You could also describe the pinecone some more, since it seems important, yus? Was it light or heavy? What color was it? And so forth. Despite that it'll be gone in a minute. I flipped it over in my hands wondering what the meaning of it could be. When I found nothing on it I relaxed my tight muscles and leaned back onto my pillow. Well it wasn’t what I thought it would have been, something dangerous, a time bomb perhaps?
“What a great gift.” I said sarcastically, “Thanks Tobias.” I looked out the window as if he was there watching and then I shivered when I realized that he could be.
The pinecone felt as if it was getting hot, I studied it and found it was turning red, it was burning my hand. I promptly dropped it on my blanket and tried to blow on it. It turned a blazing, fire-engine red before erupting into green flames. I didn’t think the pinecone was there any more. All I could see was a green mass of fire whose light danced along my walls and didn’t seem to scorch my blanket. I tried to brush it off with the back of my hand, but once my flesh touched the cool flames, they went out. I was right, the pine cone was gone, and in its place was a small, rolled strip of birch bark. I touched it quickly first to make sure it wasn’t hot, it wasn’t so I delicately picked it up and contemplated my choices.

Number one, I could throw it away right now and never know what was inside, but possibly save myself a lot of trouble.
Number two, I could open it and find out what is inside, and then never have to wonder what was in it and regret not opening it. Plus I could just throw it away after I know what it is. I obviously wanted to open it.

I chose option number two and unrolled the birch bark quickly so I couldn’t change my mind.
There was a single sentence written in beautiful cursive on the bark inside, definitely not as dangerous as I had thought. It read;


If one moment you find that you need me, all you will need is my name and there I will be.

Tobias.

I was sure I wouldn’t ever find that I needed him again but I put the little makeshift paper in the drawer of my night stand and tried to get some sleep. It felt as if I tossed and turned in the covers for hours but my alarm clock revealed that it had only been minutes. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

The sky was a lustrous blue, almost cloudless. I was standing in a crystalline pool at the base of a small waterfall, the water was cool and reflected its wave pattern on my warm skin. I looked into the translucent water at my mirror image, but it was a picture of another. I was staring at a girl, slightly older than myself, with long, wavy, brown hair and violet eyes like mine. She was beautiful, but she was not me.

“What happened to me? Where am I?” I wondered looking around for something familiar.

“Ethel, we must go, it’s Falkoi, he has found us.” A man with a similar voice and facial features to Tobias, yet not Tobias, extended a hand toward me. See, this is the type of sentences you should work towards! I took his hand, unable to make myself do otherwise. Although he was not human, but elf, the look he held wasn’t that of cruelty, but one of sincerity and fear.
The Tobias look-alike lifted me out of the water with ease. I abruptly heard someone coming and felt instant fear with no obvious reason to be fearsome When you're fearsome, you're inflicting fear on others. When you feel fear, you're afraid. I think that's what you're aiming at here?. It was as if I was trapped in my own body, without control over what I was doing, saying, or feeling. I was seeing through the eyes of a stranger.

The man whistled a short and beautiful song, and within seconds an enormous white horse trotted to his side out of the surrounding forests. He helped me onto its back, then whispered something that I didn’t catch. He drew a sword out and the horse began to run. I looked back as the horse ran and I saw another man with him, they were fighting.

The sound of their swords clashing together was unbearable even from this far away.
“Raedyn!” I yelled it as loud as I could without wanting to. Just loud enough to distract him for one second, and in that second the other man was able to end his life. I watched Raedyn’s limp body fall to the ground, a cloud of dirt flew up around him as he drew his final breath. Could've been more descriptive here? End his life, how? Stabbed through the chest? Was there a lot of blood? All gruesome details, sure, but it might add even more feel to it?

My eyes flickered to the man who killed him, who I was sure was staring angrily into my eyes, it was hard to tell from this distance. Aw, you did so well with the punctuation at the last paragraph, don't stop now!
I looked down into my lap, my eyes wet with tears and my heart clenching in extraordinary agony. The horse started to stop, digging its front hooves into the ground and then kicking upwards. The man who murdered Raedyn had materialized in front of me. He threw me off the horse with blinding speed and held his blood stained sword to my throat. I glared into his golden eyes and seized the blade, cutting my fingers, I couldn’t stop myself, I was screaming inside but it didn’t come out. Again, very long.

“Do it!” I yelled at him through sobs, “Do it!” I unwillingly yelled again.
The man removed the sword from my neck, slicing my fingers further. He angrily gripped me by my shoulder and easily and violently threw me into a nearby tree. The deafening cracking sound when my ribs broke was sickening. I rolled onto my stomach and spat blood, knowing of a punctured lung. I tried to breathe, to lift myself up, but then he was there throwing me again... What was the sword like? Broad, thin? Worn, shiny? Just ideas you could add to enrich the text. Also, "knowing my lung had been punctured" sounds better, don'tcha think?

I woke up as if I was drowning and by some miracle dragged to the surface, breathing hard, with tears streaming down my face. I wanted to scream. I held my side where my ribs broke, but thankfully there was no pain. I looked out the window. The sun was just beginning to rise. I didn’t even have to look at my clock to figure out that it was much too early to be waking up yet.

Then something clicked in my mind. Raedyn had said, “I love you, ride swift.” This realization didn’t help me at all, I was still so confused. I hadn’t had a nightmare like that since I was twelve years old, I used to have nightmares similar to this, but in them I was myself and I could never see the evil man’s face, but I saw it this time, perfectly, too perfectly. Loong. I know I'm starting to sound repetitive... I don’t think I’ll ever forget those eyes, the way they looked at me in such anger that I have never known.

Another thing I remembered was the name Falkoi, had Tobias said the name to me earlier? I was almost positive he had.
I went back to sleep thinking about the Raedyn character and how much he reminded me of Tobias. I tried not to think of the Falkoi character and how much anger, and victory he had in his eyes when he was standing over me in the clearing of my dream.

I had so many questions that needed answering, and no one to answer them for me.