Young Writers Society

Also just so everyone knows i will be posting an edited version within the next few hours, no huge changes, just editing, and adding little things here and there. i will be adding (edited) into the subtitle so you will know. Feel free to comment once i'm finished!

Firestalker

Thanks for the review! I definately need to watch out for the present tense sneaking its way in there... i am going to fix that and add in more description of tobias at the one part you had suggested. I am very happy you liked it, i would love for you to review part 2 of chapter one if you so desire or have the time...

Thanks again...

The lightning lit the sky with a deafening crack in perfect unison with the booming thunder and the constant downpour.

Thunderstorms are said to keep people awake at night or to frighten them, but they are more like a lullaby to me, soothing and comforting.

I sat on my oversized windowsill listening to the lulling sounds, I looked up at the sound of several lightning bolts striking somewhere nearby, but they were too fast for me. Now all I see is my own refection in the water streaked glass. My dark hair veils most of my too pale face and nearly reaches my shoulders. My cow print, silk pyjamas that my mom bought me last Christmas are the brightest thing in view, but then I’m gone. The light given off from a bolt erases me entirely.

“Hale?” My mom knocked on my bedroom door, but as usual didn’t wait for a reply to enter.

“You’re early.” I stated smiling.

She was still in her uniform, she worked a as a nurse at the Orillia Soldiers Memorial Hospital not far from here. Her hair was piled on top of her head with a few long stray pieces dangling down to kiss her shoulders.

“I asked to leave early tonight, I couldn’t miss this storm, it’s the first one in weeks.” Her violet eyes flickered to the window just as the lightning struck.

Violet eyes are something that runs in the female line of my family, along with the sight.

“I’m on my way up, I’ll meet you there?” She said it as if it was a question, but she smiles because she already knows my answer. It’s a tradition, every thunderstorm we sit up on the roof and watch the sky as if it were a 3D screen until were we’re soaked or until the storm subsides.

“I’ll get the drinks.” I hop down off the window’s ledge and head to the kitchen.

“And I’ll meet you in the attic.” She says as we both exit my room and go our separate ways. Our house is pretty small, but we don’t need a big house, it’s just the two of us. My father left when he found out about what had become of his daughter. When he found out why I cried and pointed at absolutely nothing, and told him of what I saw. I never knew him and I doubt I’ll ever fell (Here is it felt or Feel) the need too.

Upon entering the kitchen I took out the coffee maker and plugged it in beside the microwave. I took out two mugs and used one to pour water into the coffee maker, I then scooped some coffee into a fresh filter. Afterwards I put two spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix into the mugs. Chocolate coffee was our favourite.

I turned toward the opposite wall with my back towards the counter. Across from me is a table almost completely filled with clutter. I can make out a camera and a flashlight under all the mounts of my mothers paperwork. Above the table is a group of pictures of me when I was smaller, and a few of the drawings I had done in grade school were framed among them. I smirked at the one I drew of my mom holding my hand in our front yard when we lived in Quebec, I would bet every kid drew one like it.
(why is this half in present tense and half in past tense??)

Someone intervened my blithe thoughts, something changed and in that instant I realized that I wasn’t alone, I was being watched, and whoever was watching was right behind me. Their eyes burned holes in my back of my skull.

I turned around from my leaning stance on the counter, keeping my head down so that I faced my barren sink. I slowly brought my head up to the window over it. Already I am mentally preparing myself for the face of monster, but there is nothing there, only rain and the riot of thunder in the darkness.
(again here its in present tense)

I let go of the breath I’d been preserving for a scream and my iron grip on the counter. I closed my eyes to calm myself and in that same second the sound of the coffee maker’s switch flicking upwards made me open them with a start.

I walked over to unplug the cord, but there was something else there too, something small, round and bound in leaves and twine. I paused momentarily, then unplugged the coffee maker. Not paying any attention to the item within a finger’s reach.

I took one cautious glance around the room. One of them was (this would be better if this was 'had been')in my house, right now, right here, and could still be here. I felt the hairs on the back of neck begin to prickle.

I quickly and carelessly poured the steaming hot coffee into the mugs with shaking fingers. I tried to ignore the neatly wrapped gift just inches from my right hand. Maybe to a normal person it would be a spoon or a cup cake or maybe it wouldn’t really be there at all. I still wasn’t very good at seeing the glamour, I’d have to ask my mom to check it for me, to make sure it’s not glamoured before I touch it or pay any attention to it. Whoever put it there could still be watching. I felt a cold sweat beginning to break out over my body as I picked up the drinks, not permitting myself so much as a sideways glance at the unidentified object.

I held the mugs as steady as I could dropping some coffee here and there. I cringed as a scalding hot droplet fell on my bare foot. I ignored it for the moment, to (Too) afraid to stop walking. I couldn’t seem to stop my eyes from shifting in all directions as I walked farther down our narrow little, picture covered hallway. I was used to them coming and going, seeing them right in my back yard or across the street, but none ever dared to enter my house.

I placed one mug on the floor so I could open the attic door, the silver handle of the door felt freezing under my freshly warmed palm. I kept the door open with my foot so I could grab the other mug from the floor, but the mug was gone. In its place was the leaf wrapped gift from the kitchen. My hand tensed and stopped right before I was about to grab it. I could hear my heart palpitating in my ears, and my throat felt dry, I was breathing way to (too)hard and way to (too) loud. I instinctively closed my mouth and took deep breaths in through my nose. I needed to keep as calm as possible.

Why did this have to happen now, and why me? I straightened up and then turned back to the door of the attic and the stairs that lead upward.

There it or should I say he was. Standing perfectly still with menacing jade coloured eyes that were to bright, unnatural. His perfect, angular face was slightly hidden behind a curtain of caramel hair decorated with small, hardly noticeable braids that trapped fresh green leaves within them. He wore an emerald robe that shimmered in the slight glow from the stairway lamp, I noticed the robe had the sideways number eight symbol that meant eternity, stitched into the hem. Underneath he wore a snug fitting ivory top that freely exposed his muscular chest.

I looked away as fast as my eyes would allow me, then I hastily closed the wooden attic door on his still staring, curious eyes. I could feel that he was following me, though there was no sound. I nearly ran back to my bedroom, tripping over my own wobbly feet a few times as I went.

After I had entered my bedroom the distant sounds of thunder and lightning arose again.

There it was on my bed. The bound thing sat atop my pillow. I barely had the time to take a step back when I had to wince at the sound of my bedroom door creaking closed behind me and gasp at the sound of an engaging lock.

My legs began to tremble as I suddenly realized that I am trapped in my room and then my heart beat began to increase in speed because I also knew that I was not alone. I struggled to breathe and my skin then turned to gooseflesh. I could not turn around, I could not move, even though all I wanted to do at this moment was run screaming to my window and hope to god someone can could hear me. I will not give in. I will not let it win.

“Hailey!” I dropped the mug I forgot I was holding, I could hear my mother coming fast down the hallway now. The searing coffee burned the edges of my feet, but i wouldn’t move, there was no conceivable way that she didn’t hear that mug shatter into a million tiny pieces. And her first reaction to a locked door and a monster in my room would only lead to her getting hurt or worse. I spun around to face this monster, no matter how beautiful, that is what he is. I wasn’t expecting for him to be this close, he was so close that I could smell his earthy scent, almost taste it on my tongue.

Without looking into his eyes, looking through and past him as if he wasn’t there I yelled with all the power I had left, “Mom! Stay away…” I tried to warn her but his bony fingers covered my quivering lips, I looked into his eyes and he glared into mine. Then in one swift movement he moved his hand from my mouth and grabbed my wrists, the floor broke free from under us and we were falling at an alarming pace, the last thing I heard were my mother’s fists pounding on my locked door.

I tried to disentangle myself from his hands while we fell, but he was not letting go, he squeezed tighter every time I pulled. One more time and I was sure my wrists would snap. We were falling so fast that I was only trying not to throw up, The one thing visible in this everlasting hole of darkness were his eyes, they didn’t so much as blink. I couldn’t shift my gaze away from those perfectly still jade eyes, they were the only light that glowed in this abyss.

The darkness never completely cleared, but within a split second the moon and the stars were visible and we were dropping through the clouds. At this point I knew there was no escaping death, so I merely closed my eyes and waited. However my life did not flash before my eyes as it is said to, and I was disappointed.

Eventually we landed, but not in the way I had expected because we were still alive. He released me then and I instantly fell to the ground, gasping for the air that escaped my lungs from the drop. Had I screamed? I couldn’t remember.

My eyes refocused and I was facing away from him on my hands and knees, I was facing a forest. It wasn’t storming any longer I noticed, the dirt of the forest floor was dry. I also noticed the different types of plants and trees that I knew for a fact did not grow in Ontario.

At this point I didn’t care where I was, as long as I wasn’t any place near the thing standing behind me. I sprinted as fast as I could straight ahead, my legs felt heavy, as if I was treading through water. I ran into what I would have guessed was a crystal clear glass wall. It was definitely as hard as one, but it didn’t break, instead it rippled like water when I hit it. The wind was knocked from my lungs and I struggled to regain it, and the strength I knew I would need to live through this. I turned around slowly knowing he had trapped me like a fly once more. A feeling of absolute helplessness washed over me but I wouldn’t give in to it. I knew my mother needed me, just like I needed her, I wouldn’t let this creature take me away from her.

“Are you hurt?” He was beside me in the same second I fell to my knees, one hand on my shoulder, the other reaching for my face. I pushed away from him, shaking all over. I took a few quick paces back from him trying to devise a plan. I quickly looked at my surroundings which weren’t helpful. I could somewhat see the dome in which we were both trapped, and the only thing that I could use to my advantage inside it was a large log, but I was sure i couldn’t lift it, even if I could I was sure it wouldn’t help me in the slightest way. I looked far into the distance to try and see someone I could call out to, but then I quickly realized it would be of no use as I was sure there would be no one who could help me even if they could see or hear me.

“Stay away from me!” I shouted at him.

I touched the tips of my fingers to my lower lip where a stinging pain resided. When I pulled my fingers away they were dripping crimson, this is when I knew he wasn’t a vampire, because if he was I would already be dead. Those foul creatures can’t keep away from freshly spilt blood.

Then he was right in front of me, his hand reaching for my face again. His hair blew slightly in a breeze that he created with his speed.

I balled my blood-ridden hand into a fist and brought it to his face with as much force and as fast as I could, but unfortunately he was faster; he managed to move several steps back before my fist would have even touched him.

“It is not my intention to harm you.” His voice was the voice of an angel, but more like a lion luring in the lamb. His long trench-like jacket now open wide, revealed a sword strapped to his hip and at least two more daggers. I hadn’t noticed in the house but he also wore a bow across his back and a pouch full of arrows. How could he expect me to believe that when he was practically ready for war?

“You expect me to believe you, you’re one of them, and I am a human who has the sight.” It was the first time I had said it out loud in so many years and it just narrowly escaped my lips. I tried to sound unafraid and I think it worked. He looked surprised at my sudden confidence, and I hoped that he wouldn’t see through it.

“You may choose to believe me, but I know there is no way to fully convince you.”

“No there isn’t, and if you do not intend to harm me, then what is your intention? What are you, and where am I?” The questions poured out of me and I still had many more.

He closed the space between us, and I tried to back away but the wall stopped me from going anywhere. The crescent moon above us cast an eerie glow on his body as he walked forward. He stayed one step away from me, noticing the fear behind the mask I wore.

“My name is Tobias, I am of the Elven fae.( can you describe this for me in your next post please)” He put out his hand as if for me to shake it, if he thought I was going to he was wrong.

He lowered his hand easily, looking disappointed. “You are in a part of the forest protected by my people in Peru.”

Had he really said Peru? I shook my head a few times, trying not to believe that I was a million miles from home, stuck in an invisible bubble with no way home except with this creature.

“If you really don’t intend to hurt me, take me home.” I tried forcing the words to come out demanding and courageous but they sounded weak and as if I was begging instead of demanding. I felt my chin shake, signalling the tears to come, I forced them back.

“Only once I have your name.” He smiled, and for a second it looked like a human smile, as if he was truly curious and happy, but suddenly I realized this was how they must do it, how they trick innocent people and lure them in. I wouldn’t let myself fall for it.

“Why? What could you possibly want my name for?” I shook my head. It was more of a question for me.

He crossed his arms over his chest, “I’ve been watching over you your entire life, all I wanted all those years was to meet you so I wouldn’t have to hide any longer. I promised I would never make myself known to you, but now I believe you are in danger and it is my purpose to protect you. I merely wanted you to give me your name, but of course I already know it.”

I swallowed hard, that was a lot to digest, but I couldn’t really bring myself to believe any of it. Why exactly would it be his purpose to protect me? The ones of the shadow world aren’t allowed to do such a thing. And I was almost certain something like this would be punishable by death for them. I tried not to think of the part he had said about him having been watching me my entire life, and already knowing my name. I often got the feeling of being watched but I assume as any person might, that it was perfectly normal and maybe I was just over paranoid.

“Why is it your purpose to protect me?” I played along also crossing my arms.

He exhaled loudly in frustration, running his tan fingers through his hair. “You are the twelfth in the line of females with the sight in your family.”

“Yes.” I interrupted and agreed.

“There is what many would call a myth that says the twelfth in the line of females cursed by Falkoi would be-”

I couldn’t listen to his nonsense any longer, I nearly began to laugh, “My name is Hailey.” I told him. “And I don’t care what your myth says, but you said once you had my name you would take me home.” I didn’t have to pretend to be unafraid any more. He barely scared me at all now because I remembered my mother was probably frantically tearing the house to pieces looking for me. Possibly making a deal with the devil himself to get me back home safe, and this realization scared me a lot more than him. I also knew something he may have thought I didn’t, I knew that once a creature of the shadow realm makes an oath or a promise, he or she must go through with it or face torture and eventually death by these terrible and fierce creatures, the furies. I saw it happen once and had nightmares for months. Only thinking about it made my spine tingle and my blood chill.

“Of course, I always keep my word, I will take you home.”

“Thank you.” I stood there for a minute looking around myself and beginning to feel awkward. I felt his stare on me and when I looked at him he looked like he was going to burst out laughing. I looked away stupidly, waiting to fall into nothing or for a magical choo-choo train to randomly pull up and take me home. I bit the part of my lip that wasn’t cut feeling nervous because of the silence and awkward tension.

“Hailey, you must be touching me for me to be able to bring you home.” I could tell he wanted to laugh but he held a serious face.

I nodded once, unable to verbally tell him that it was okay for him to touch me, because it went against everything my mother and grandmother taught me.

He took one step closer and held out his hand again. I wanted to trust him, wanted to believe that I would be safe at home within seconds, but doubt overshadowed my optimism and I could no longer see the silver lining. I told myself I didn’t have a choice, either I die here, alone in the forest, or do what I can.

This time I put my hand in his, one second after I did a violet glow burst through the tiny holes our hands left and disappeared just as quickly as it appeared. It reflected off of the dome that encaged us, creating a lightshow in the darkness.

I looked up at Tobias, unsure of whether I should let go. He looked utterly shocked and frightened, but once he realized I was looking at him he shook it off.

A noise a few feet away stole my sight from Tobias’ expression, a man stood poised against a tree just outside the dome, he looked of the same species as Tobias, wearing almost identical body armour and clothing, except he dressed in all black and his eyes were golden, they glowed like a cats in the dark. He looked pleased is some way unknown to me, almost evil in the way he grinned. He frightened me, and what was worse, he frightened Tobias. I felt his hand tighten around mine the second we saw the man.

“I’ll be seeing you again...Hailey.” The man’s voice was a loud whisper and drifted through the air until it echoed inside my head, his eyes flickered from mine to Tobias’. I looked to him, he held a look of pure hatred for the man, disgust, he drew out his sword and held it out in front of me. I tried to let go of his hand but he wouldn’t let me, he held it tight. I wasn’t sure what to do but, I felt like I could almost trust Tobias now, but only because I knew I couldn’t trust the other and he seemed to want me out of harm’s way.

Before I could ask him what was happening, we were falling. Butterflies broke free in my stomach. I grabbed onto his hand tighter, balling my other into a fist and squinting my eyes completely shut.


Hope my review is good. If there are more experienced writers who have spotted a reviewed erroe in my post then please PM me

And i will say that i am very impressed. Only a few writers can describe a story like this. Its amazing

Slammoth

Thank you so much for agreeing to review this! You did an amazing job, i might add, if you hadn't pointed them out i wouldn't have even noticed the extra long sentences, i will definately watch out for that from now on and my continuous use of to instead of too. And you were completely right about not having enough description of Tobias in that one part, i will definately try to incorporate all of your suggestions in.

Thanks again!

Awh, nobody's requested me to review a piece before. I just couldn't refuse, so here you go. *Dons the red critique cloak once again*

endless_secrets wrote:
1
The lightning lit the sky with a deafening crack I'd add a comma here. Just makes the sentence easier to read, imo. in perfect unison with the booming thunder and the constant downpour.
Thunderstorms are said to keep people awake at night or to frighten them, but they are more like a lullaby to me, soothing and comforting.

I sat on my oversized windowst?ill listening to the lulling sounds, Stoop, or it'll sound awkward. Make this a dot and start a new sentence? I looked up at the sound of several lightning bolts striking somewhere nearby, but they were too fast for me. Now all I see is my own reflection in the water streaked glass. My dark hair veils most of my too pale face and nearly reaches my shoulders. My cow print, silk pyjamas that my mom bought me last Christmas are the brightest thing in view, but then I’m gone. The light given off from a bolt erases me entirely.

“Hale?” My mom knocked on my bedroom door, but as usual didn’t wait for a reply to enter.
“You’re early.” I stated smiling.

She was still in her uniform, Again, could make this a dot. But that's just a personal preference, I like making my sentences short. she worked a as a nurse at the Orillia Soldiers Memorial Hospital not far from here. Her hair was piled on top of her head with a few long stray pieces dangling down to kiss her shoulders. Kiss her shoulders huh? Veery cunning. *Thumbs up*
“I asked to leave early tonight, I couldn’t miss this storm, You really like those long sentences, huh? Again, feel free to ignore my fits. it’s the first one in weeks.” Her violet eyes flickered to the window just as the lightning struck.
Violet eyes are something that runs in the female line of my family, along with the sight.
“I’m on my way up, I’ll meet you there?” She said it as if it was a question, but she smiles because she already knows my answer. It’s a tradition, every thunderstorm we sit up on the roof and watch the sky as if it were a 3D screen until were we’re soaked or until the storm subsides. Interesting quirk there, well done.
“I’ll get the drinks.” I hop down off the window’s ledge and head to the kitchen.
“And I’ll meet you in the attic.” She says as we both exit my room and go our separate ways. Our house is pretty small, but we don’t need a big house, it’s just the two of us. My father left when he found out about what had become of his daughter. When he found out why I cried and pointed at absolutely nothing, and told him of what I saw. I never knew him and I doubt I’ll ever [s]fell[/s]feel the need [s]too[/s]. to

Upon entering the kitchen I took out the coffee maker and plugged it in beside the microwave. I took out two mugs and used one to pour water into the coffee maker, I I'd use and instead. Makes it flow better in my eyes, plus you won't be saying I this and that so much that way. then scooped some coffee into a fresh filter. Afterwards I put two spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix into the mugs. Chocolate coffee was our favourite.

I turned toward the opposite wall with my back towards the counter. Across from me is a table almost completely filled with clutter. I can make out a camera and a flashlight under all the mounts Mount = Steed. Mountain is what you're aiming for here, right? This could just be my grammar failing majorly though, correct me if I'm wrong! of my mothers paperwork. Above the table is a group of pictures of me when I was smaller, and a few of the drawings I had done in grade school were framed among them. I smirked at the one I drew of my mom holding my hand in our front yard when we lived in Quebec, *Twitches as he notices another of those long sentences* I would bet every kid drew one like it. You did it! Youdidityoudidityoudidit! One thing I've noticed with the authors here on YWS is that they'd die rather than describe the environment their stories take place in! Slammoth approves big time!

Someone intervened my blithe thoughts, something changed and in that instant I realized that I wasn’t alone, I was being watched, and whoever was watching was right behind me. Their eyes burned holes in [s]my[/s] the back of my skull.
I turned around from my leaning stance on the counter, keeping my head down so that I faced my barren sink. I slowly brought my head up to the window over it. Already I am mentally preparing myself for the face of You'll need an a or a the here. monster, but there is nothing there, only rain and the riot of thunder in the darkness. Riot of thunder? Another interesting way to put it.
I let go of the breath I’d been preserving for a scream and I'd add another verb here, for example "loosen". my iron grip on the counter. I closed my eyes to calm myself and in that same second the sound of the coffee maker’s switch flicking upwards made me open them with a start.
I approve of this, nice, slow and descriptive. Really makes the scene come alive. Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo...

I walked over to unplug the cord, but there was something else there too, something small, round and bound in leaves and twine. I paused momentarily, then unplugged the coffee maker. I'd actually connect these two sentences, else it sounds choppy. So make that a comma? Not paying any attention to the item within a finger’s reach.
I took one cautious glance around the room. One of them was in my house, right now, right here, and could still be here. I felt the hairs on the back of neck begin to prickle. Eeeehh! It's not behind me now, is it? Are you sure? The suspense!

I quickly and carelessly poured the steaming hot coffee into the mugs with shaking fingers. I tried to ignore the neatly wrapped gift just inches from my right hand. Maybe to a normal person it would be a spoon or a cup cake or maybe it wouldn’t really be there at all. I still wasn’t very good at seeing the glamour, I’d have to ask my mom to check it for me, to make sure it’s not glamoured before I touch it or pay any attention to it. Whoever put it there could still be watching. I felt a cold sweat beginning to break out over my body as I picked up the drinks, not permitting myself so much as a sideways glance at the unidentified object.
I held the mugs as steady as I could Ra-ta-ta-ta, line of words in my face! Comma please, and you know, you might as well emphasise the fact that the coffee was spilling regardless, with "still" perhaps? dropping some coffee here and there. I cringed as a scalding hot droplet fell on my bare foot. I ignored it for the moment, too afraid to stop walking. I couldn’t seem to stop my eyes from shifting in all directions as I walked farther down our narrow little, picture covered hallway. I was used to them coming and going, seeing them right in my back yard or across the street, but none ever dared to enter my house. Still going slow and in detail. The way you can put so much suspense, emotion and the occasional UFO into a trip to the kitchen! I see talent going on here.

I placed one mug on the floor so I could open the attic door, the silver handle of the door felt freezing under my freshly warmed palm. I kept the door open with my foot so I could grab the other mug from the floor, but the mug was gone. In its place was the leaf wrapped gift from the kitchen. My hand tensed and stopped right before I was about to grab it. I could hear my heart palpitating in my ears, and my throat felt dry, I was breathing way too hard and way too loud. I instinctively closed my mouth and took deep breaths in through my nose. I needed to keep as calm as possible.
Why did this have to happen now, and why me? I straightened up and then turned back to the door of the attic and the stairs that lead upward.
There it or should I say he was. Standing perfectly still with menacing jade coloured eyes that were too! It's too! bright, unnatural. His perfect, angular face was slightly hidden behind a curtain of caramel hair decorated with small, hardly noticeable braids that trapped fresh green leaves within them. He wore an emerald robe that shimmered in the slight glow from the stairway lamp, I noticed the robe had the sideways number eight symbol that meant eternity stitched into the hem. Underneath he wore a snug fitting ivory top that freely exposed his muscular chest.
I looked away as fast as my eyes would allow me, then I hastily closed the wooden attic door on his still staring, curious eyes. I could feel that he was following me, though there was no sound. I nearly ran back to my bedroom, tripping over my own wobbly feet a few times as I went. Nicely done with the description. I wish I could do that.

After I had entered my bedroom the distant sounds of thunder and lightning arose again.
There it was on my bed. The bound thing sat atop my pillow. I barely had the time to take a step back when I had to wince at the sound of my bedroom door creaking closed behind me and gasp at the sound of an engaging lock.
My legs began to tremble as I suddenly realized that I am trapped in my room and then my heart beat began to increase in speed because I also knew that I was not alone. I know it's exciting, bu t you keep a cool head and the grammar sound, yus? That was a bit long and it sounded somewhat awkward. Maybe try piecing it and rewording some? I struggled to breathe and my skin then turned to gooseflesh. I could not turn around, I could not move, even though all I want to do at this moment was run screaming to my window and hope I ain't all that religious, but you usually pray to god, right? to god someone can hear. I will not give in. I will not let it win.

“Hailey!” I dropped the mug I forgot I was holding, I could hear my mother coming fast down the hallway now. The searing coffee burned the edges of my feet, but i wouldn’t move, there was no conceivable way that she didn’t hear that mug shatter into a million tiny pieces. And her first reaction to a locked door and a monster in my room would only lead to her getting hurt or worse. I spun around to face this monster, no matter how beautiful, that is what he is. I wasn’t expecting for him to be this close, he was so close that I could smell his earthy scent, almost taste it on my tongue.

Without looking into his eyes, looking through and past him as if he wasn’t there I yelled with all the power I had left, “Mom! Stay away…” I tried to warn her but his bony fingers covered my quivering lips, I looked into his eyes and he glared into mine. Then in one swift movement he moved his hand from my mouth and grabbed my wrists, the floor broke free from under us and we were falling at an alarming pace, Another bit long sentence. I'd cut it here with a dot, adds to the impact of the last sentence. the last thing I heard were my mother’s fists pounding on my locked door.

I tried to disentangle myself from his hands while we fell, but he was not letting go, he squeezed tighter every time I pulled. One more time and I was sure my wrists would snap. We were falling so fast that I was only trying not to throw up, the one thing visible in this everlasting hole of darkness were his eyes, they didn’t so much as blink. I couldn’t shift my gaze away from those perfectly still jade eyes, they were the only light that glowed in this abyss.
The darkness never completely cleared, but within a split second the moon and the stars were visible and we were dropping through the clouds. At this point I knew there was no escaping death, so I merely closed my eyes and waited. However my life did not flash before my eyes as it is said to, and I was disappointed.
Eventually we landed, but not in the way I had expected because we were still alive. He released me then and I instantly fell to the ground, gasping for the air that escaped my lungs from the drop. Had I screamed? I couldn’t remember.

My eyes refocused and I was facing away from him on my hands and knees, I was facing a forest. It wasn’t storming any longer I noticed, the dirt of the forest floor was dry. I also noticed the different types of plants and trees that I knew for a fact did not grow in Ontario.
At this point I didn’t care where I was, as long as I wasn’t any place near the thing standing behind me. I sprinted as fast as I could straight ahead, my legs felt heavy, as if I was treading through water. I ran into what I would have guessed was a crystal clear glass wall. It was definitely as hard as one, but it didn’t break, instead it rippled like water when I hit it. The wind was knocked from my lungs and I struggled to regain it, and the strength I knew I would need to live through this. I turned around slowly knowing he had trapped me like a fly once more. A feeling of absolute helplessness washed over me but I wouldn’t give in to it. I knew my mother needed me, just like I needed her, I wouldn’t let this creature take me away from her. This chapter held plenty of those long things. I'd pay attention to them in the future.

“Are you hurt?” He was beside me in the same second I fell to my knees, one hand on my shoulder, the other reaching for my face. I pushed away from him, shaking all over. I took a few quick paces back from him trying to devise a plan. I quickly looked at my surroundings which weren’t helpful. I could somewhat see the dome in which we were both trapped, and the only thing that I could use to my advantage inside it was a large log, but I was sure i couldn’t lift it, even if I could I was sure it wouldn’t help me in the slightest. I looked far into the distance to try and see someone I could call out to, but then I quickly realized it would be of no use as I was sure there would be no one who could help me even if they could see or hear me. But what's in the distance? What does she see...?
“Stay away from me!” I shouted at him.
I touched the tips of my fingers to my lower lip where a stinging pain resided. When I pulled my fingers away they were dripping crimson, this is when I knew he wasn’t a vampire, because if he was I would already be dead. Those foul creatures can’t keep away from freshly spilt blood.
Then he was right in front of me, his hand reaching for my face again. His hair blew slightly in a breeze that he created with his speed.
I balled my blood-ridden hand into a fist and brought it to his face with as much force and as fast as I could, but unfortunately he was faster; he managed to move several steps back before my fist would have even touched him.
“It is not my intention to harm you.” His voice was the voice of an angel, but more like a lion luring in the lamb. His long trench-like jacket Add a comma here, else it sounds irregular? now open wide, revealed a sword strapped to his hip and at least two more daggers. I hadn’t noticed in the house but he also wore a bow across his back and a pouch full of arrows. How could he expect me to believe that when he was practically ready for war?
“You expect me to believe you, ? instead, please. you’re one of them, and I am a human who has the sight.” It was the first time I had said it out loud in so many years and it just narrowly escaped my lips. I tried to sound unafraid and I think it worked. He looked surprised at my sudden confidence, and I hoped that he wouldn’t see through it.
“You may choose to believe me, but I know there is no way to fully convince you.”
“No there isn’t, and if you do not intend to harm me, then what is your intention? What are you, and where am I?” The questions poured out of me and I still had many more.
He closed the space between us, and I tried to back away but the wall stopped me from going anywhere. The crescent moon above us cast an eerie glow on his body as he walked forward. He stayed one step away from me, noticing the fear behind the mask I wore.
“My name is Tobias, I am of the Elven fae.” He put out his hand as if for me to shake it, if he thought I was going to he was wrong.
He lowered his hand easily, looking disappointed. “You are in a part of the forest protected by my people in Peru.”

Had he really said Peru? I shook my head a few times, trying not to believe that I was a million miles from home, stuck in an invisible bubble with no way home except with this creature.
“If you really don’t intend to hurt me, take me home.” I tried forcing the words to come out demanding and courageous but they sounded weak and as if I was begging instead of demanding. I felt my chin shake, signalling the tears to come, I forced them back.
“Only once I have your name.” He smiled, and for a second it looked like a human smile, as if he was truly curious and happy, but suddenly I realized this was how they must do it, how they trick innocent people and lure them in. I wouldn’t let myself fall for it.
“Why? What could you possibly want my name for?” I shook my head. It was more of a question for me.
He crossed his arms over his chest, “I’ve been watching over you your entire life, all I wanted all those years was to meet you so I wouldn’t have to hide any longer. I promised I would never make myself known to you, but now I believe you are in danger and it is my purpose to protect you. I merely wanted you to give me your name, but of course I already know it.” More of his expressions, body language, the sound of his voice, please? Make him breathe! Show me some of that description-skill I know you have!
I swallowed hard, that was a lot to digest, but I couldn’t really bring myself to believe any of it. Why exactly would it be his purpose to protect me? The ones of the shadow world aren’t allowed to do such a thing. And I was almost certain something like this would be punishable by death for them. I tried not to think of the part he had said about him having been watching me my entire life, and already knowing my name. I often got the feeling of being watched but I assume as any person might, that it was perfectly normal and maybe I was just over paranoid.
“Why is it your purpose to protect me?” I played along also crossing my arms.
He exhaled loudly in frustration, running his tan fingers through his hair. “You are the twelfth in the line of females with the sight in your family.”
“Yes.” I interrupted and agreed.
“There is what many would call a myth that says the twelfth in the line of females cursed by Falkoi would be-”
I couldn’t listen to his nonsense any longer, I nearly began to laugh, “My name is Hailey.” I told him. “And I don’t care what your myth says, but you said once you had my name you would take me home.” I didn’t have to pretend to be unafraid any more. He barely scared me at all now because I remembered my mother was probably frantically tearing the house to pieces looking for me. Possibly making a deal with the devil himself to get me back home safe, and this realization scared me a lot more than him. I also knew something he may have thought I didn’t, I knew that once a creature of the shadow realm makes an oath or a promise, he or she must go through with it or face torture and eventually death by these terrible and fierce creatures, the furies. I saw it happen once and had nightmares for months. Only thinking about it made my spine tingle and my blood chill.
“Of course, I always keep my word, I will take you home.”
“Thank you.” I stood there for a minute looking around myself and beginning to feel awkward. I felt his stare on me and when I looked at him he looked like he was going to burst out laughing. I looked away stupidly, waiting to fall into nothing or for a magical choo-choo train to randomly pull up and take me home. I bit the part of my lip that wasn’t cut feeling nervous because of the silence and awkward tension.
“Hailey, you must be touching me for me to be able to bring you home.” I could tell he wanted to laugh but he held a serious face.
I nodded once, unable to verbally tell him that it was okay for him to touch me, because it went against everything my mother and grandmother taught me. That was funny. Teehee.

He took one step closer and held out his hand again. I wanted to trust him, wanted to believe that I would be safe at home within seconds, but doubt overshadowed my optimism and I could no longer see the silver lining. I told myself I didn’t have a choice, either I die here, alone in the forest, or do what I can.
This time I put my hand in his, one second after I did a violet glow burst through the tiny holes our hands left and disappeared just as quickly as it appeared. It reflected off of the dome that encaged us, creating a lightshow in the darkness.
I looked up at Tobias, unsure of whether I should let go. He looked utterly shocked and frightened, but once he realized I was looking at him he shook it off.
A noise a few feet away stole my sight from Tobias’ expression, a man stood poised against a tree just outside the dome, he looked of the same species as Tobias, wearing almost identical body armour and clothing, except he dressed in all black and his eyes were golden, they glowed like a cats in the dark. Holy carp. That was what, five, six sentences? Cuuut! He looked pleased [s]is[/s] in some way unknown to me, almost evil in the way he grinned. He frightened me, and what was worse, he frightened Tobias. I felt his hand tighten around mine the second we saw the man.
“I’ll be seeing you again...Hailey.” The man’s voice was a loud whisper and drifted through the air until it echoed inside my head, his eyes flickered from mine to Tobias’. I looked to him, he held a look of pure hatred for the man, disgust, he drew out his sword and held it out in front of me. I tried to let go of his hand but he wouldn’t let me, he held it tight. I wasn’t sure what to do but, I felt like I could almost trust Tobias now, but only because I knew I couldn’t trust the other and he seemed to want me out of harm’s way.
Before I could ask him what was happening, we were falling. Butterflies broke free in my stomach. I grabbed onto his hand tighter, balling my other into a fist and squinting my eyes completely shut.

To Clograby and SleepingValor
thanks for the editing and all the great tips i will try to incorporate them in!

Also just so EVERYONE knows, there is prologue, titled Escaping Fate: Endless Secrets, if you read it will explain chapter one a whole lot more.

Thanks for reading!

The lightning lit the sky with a deafening crack in perfect unison with the [s]booming[/s] thunder and the constant downpour.

I sat on my oversized windowsill listening to the lulling sounds, I looked up at the sound of several lightning bolts striking somewhere nearby, but they were too fast for me.

She was still in her uniform[semi-colon]; she worked a as a nurse at the Orillia Soldiers Memorial Hospital not far from here

and then turned back to the door of the attic and the stairs [s]that lead upward[/s].

The bound thing sat atop my pillow

endless_secrets wrote:The lightning lit the sky with a deafening crack in perfect unison with the booming thunder and the constant downpour. I don't know why, but this sentence feels a bit long winded. I might add a comma "deafening crack, perfectly in unison with..." or something. >.< That may just be me, though.
Thunderstorms are said to keep people awake at night or to frighten them, but they are more like a lullaby to me; [semi colon, methinks. Or a double dash.] soothing and comforting.

I sat on my oversized windowsill,[comma] listening to the lulling sounds. [period. Not changes you have to make, just ones I think make the flow better =P] I looked up at the sound of several lightning bolts striking somewhere nearby, but they were too fast for me. I'm not 100% sure, but doesn't thunder come before/after lightning? One way, the thunder should have been an advanced warning--meaning if she looked up right away she should have seen something (maybe. unless they're both close together), the other way she lightning is already gone and she never had a chance of watching it either way. Just something you might want to look up, since if you MC likes storms that much she should know these things, if only from observation] Now all I see is my own refection in the water streaked glass. My dark hair veils most of my too pale face and nearly reaches my shoulders. My cow print, silk pyjamas that my mom bought me last Christmas are the brightest thing in view, but then I’m gone. Maybe replace the first 'My' with 'The', the avoid repetition]The light given off from a bolt erases me entirely.

“Hale?” My mom knocked on my bedroom door, but as usual didn’t wait for a reply to enter.
“You’re early.” I stated smiling.

She was still in her uniform.[I'd place a period here, or a double dash, since the two sentences feel either very closely related (you are explaining the uniform by talking about where she works), or sort of just two sequential statements (MC notices uniform, then thinks on where he mom works).] she worked a as a nurse at the Orillia Soldiers Memorial Hospital not far from here. Her hair was piled on top of her head with a few long,[comma] stray pieces dangling down to kiss her shoulders.
“I asked to leave early tonight.[period?] I couldn’t miss this storm;semi-colon] it’s the first one in weeks.” Her violet eyes flickered to the window just as the lightning struck.
Violet eyes are something that runs in the female line of my family, along with the sight. [A family line. The female side. 'Violet eyes are something that runs on the female side of my family'.]
“I’m on my way up, I’ll meet you there?” She said it as if it was a question, but she smiles because she already knows my answer. ['she said', 'she smiles'. Are you writing in past tense or present tense? I think the rest is past, so switch 'smiles' to smiled. ^_^It’s a tradition,semi colon here, or maybe a colon, or a double dash. *starts mixing up her punctuation marks* >.< every thunderstorm we sit up on the roof and watch the sky as if it were a 3D screen until were we’re soaked or until the storm subsides.
“I’ll get the drinks.” I hop down off the window’s ledge and head to the kitchen.
“And I’ll meet you in the attic,[comma]” [not capital]she says as we both exit my room and go our separate ways. Our house is pretty small, but we don’t need a big house, it’s just the two of us. My father left when he found out about what had become of his daughter. When he found out why I cried and pointed at absolutely nothing, and told him of what I saw. I never knew him and I doubt I’ll ever feel the need too.

Upon entering the kitchen I took out the coffee maker and plugged it in beside the microwave. I took out two mugs and used one to pour water into the coffee maker.[period, maybe] I then scooped some coffee into a fresh filter. Afterwards I put two spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix into the mugs. Chocolate coffee was our favourite.

[=P I was going to ask if talking about the making of the drinks was really needed, but it's been used to further their character so nevermind. XD]

I turned toward the opposite wall with my back towards the counter. Across from me is a table almost completely filled with clutter. I can make out a camera and a flashlight under all the mounts of my mother's paperwork. Above the table is a group of pictures of me when I was smaller, and a few of a few pictures of drawings? I figure that's not it, but maybe you should say 'and framed amung them were a few of the drawings...']the drawings I had done in grade school were framed among them. I smirked at the one I drew of my mom holding my hand in our front yard when we lived in Quebec, I would bet every kid drew one like it. [I am temped to say it should be 'had drawn', but I'm really not sure. =P]

Someone intervened [Try intterupted here =P] my blithe thoughts; [semi colon] something changed and in that instant I realized that I wasn’t alone, I was being watched, and whoever was watching was right behind me. Their eyes burned holes in my back of my skull. [This is a long sentence. It's even being treated like a paragraph. Maybe try breaking up. =P *is notirious for long-running sentences*]
I turned around from my leaning stance on the counter, keeping my head down so that I faced my barren sink. I slowly brought my head up to the window over it. Already I am[Past tense. 'Was', not 'am'] mentally preparing myself for the face of monster, but there is nothing there, only rain and the riot of thunder in the darkness.
I let go of the breath I’d been preserving[preserving is a bit heavy. consider a synonym for a scream and my iron grip on the counter. I closed my eyes to calm myself and in that same second the sound of the coffee maker’s switch flicking upwards made me open them with a start.

I walked over to unplug the cord, but there was something else there too, something small, round and bound in leaves and twine. I paused momentarily, then unplugged the coffee maker. Not paying any attention to the item within a finger’s reach.
I took one cautious glance around the room. One of them was in my house, right now, right here, and could still be here. I felt the hairs on the back of neck begin to prickle.

Thanks jules! I'm happy you liked it, i went back and fixed that part where I wrote his name before he said it and i'm working to make his description better, thanks for the tips!
And of couse i will PM you when I put the next part out
thanks!

Lenght is not a problem when the story is good. Was their a prologue or something before this because I feel like I missed something. If there wasn't you will need to explain either in this chapter or the next what the 'sight' is what vampires have to do with it. It may also help if you explain what Tobias is a little better. Details are always good ways to inform your readers of what you are thinking that way they are on the same page as you.

Also you mention Tobias name before he ever said what it was. Overall I really like your story. If people dont read it due to the lenght they dont know what their missing. Goodluck and PM when you write more because I am interested to see what happens next!