this is my first attempt at poetry on here so i have just created a random draft for a poem... make of it what you feel . i can guess theirs going to be a few corrections that need making if you could have a read and give me your honest opinion that would be brilliant.
prodigy
how much remains
how much existed
the slipping grip of a young kid's mind
so intent on feeling existence
where can he go
what can he do
the potential of this born to be star
died out by the ignorance of me and you
why is this so
why is it impossible to achieve
imagination can conquer fiction
but talent surender's in a world that refused to believe
when is the question
how is unknown
will we create oppertunities
remove pressure, step back and watch them grow
the prospect of a prodigy
shaping the way to a new future
is once again shut down by the systematic means of reality
the question we ask is the answer for a better functionality.
give chance to these people
lets turn a new page
let change happen
forget about fame
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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A totally amazing improvement.I must say you're learning really fast and improving even faster.Greater clarity this time and much simper choice of sentences.
Keep such great work coming.
The best thing about your poems is that a lot of people can relate to it. I know a lot of high-functioning autistic children who have IQ's of above 190 yet get D's and C's in schools because everybody thinks they're "dumb", even the teachers.
By the way, are you a native speaker of English? If not, then this is really good for somebody who's taking english as a second language. Keep writing!
As a whole, I think you have a really good start here, it just needs a little solidifying.
This could totally just be me, but I can't stand the word "teens" (third line). It seems like an easy way out of describing a group of people, that adults use when they want to generalize and need to grab for a "hip" label.
So what does this matter for your poem? It doesn't, if you're interested in specific remarks on your poem. It *does* however, if you're curious about the poem's overall impression. Right there, in the third line, out of twenty-four total, I wanted to stop reading. That's not a great statistic. After ten words, I was getting the impression that this poem would be a collage of youth experience reflected through the collective lens of mass-produced imagery. In short, a paraphrase of what everyone thinks they're being told.
It's always "where can they go / what can they do" that makes these subjects into a group of unknown Other rather than addressing the subject matter as an "objective" whole or as a member of the group. Personally, I think that would make it seem a little less hokey.
This is a problem because that is absolutely not what your poem is about, and that I got enough feeling from one word to write three paragraphs about it.
Small typo in the third stanza: "why carnt we achieve"
I like the first stanza, and I like the last stanza, but the middle is pretty expected and repetitive. Is there any way you can condense language and meaning in this section to release a stronger, more meaningful verse and message? Young gun makes a good point that the revision didn't concretely address: "How exactly does reality foil his chances?" What events lead to the death of their potential?
You say you're not much of a writer yet? Pshaw. You're willing to look at what you've started with and want to make it better, by posting in the first place as well as accepting and thinking about criticism. I'd say that gives you a pretty fine start. Welcome to YWS!
thats actually really helped me man ... im not much of a writter yet but thats given me alot to think about cheers .... what do you think of this edit ?
You really have to explain what is stopping this prodigy's chance of success?
How exactly does reality foil his chances?Is he just a dreamer or does he have real talent?
I didn't understand what you really meant in these lines
the imagination concurred fiction but
struggled in the world that requires addiction
The last stanza was a little understandable. Many a times a prodigy does not make it because he never gets an opportunity and ends up being ignored by everyone which results in talent being crushed.This should change.