Any and all suspensions pending expulsion were accompanied with pages of information, most of it useless hearsay. Some accusations, a handful of rumors… but if the parents pulled enough strings, it all went into the file. Principal Mackenzie rifled through the pages with one long, thin hand.
In his other he clasped the student’s information. Amelia Wilson. Sophomore. In the legal guardianship of Gerard Meyer, her…..
Uncle? Godfather? Far cousin?
He read over a formal complaint that his overworked secretary had put into writing.
Mrs. Damer has requested that her daughter be moved out of fifth period chemistry. Her reason is as follows:
I won’t allow my daughter to be anywhere near Amelia Winston. From what I hear, not just from my daughter but from other parents, members of the PTSA, she is a delinquent; as is her guardian, Mr. Meyer. From what I hear, well, the both of them… are sick. I don’t want either of them influencing my child. If I could, I would move Darcy out of the school.
And then, of course, there was the fact that Mrs. Damer was treasurer of the Parent Student Teacher Association. Last year alone, she helped fundraise over twenty-six thousand dollars. And if she left the district, many other members of the PSTA would follow.
On the other hand, there was Amelia and her guardian. If Mackenzie screwed this up, didn’t handle this issue with just the right amount of finesse, if the claims turned out to be false, he was fucked. Eternally fucked. People would remember Gardenia High as the school where a student was verbally attacked by the principle and teachers for assumedly having sex with her guardian.
What was the term for that? Statutory rape. Or did this count as molestation?
Principle Mackenzie took out a monogrammed handkerchief and wiped his brow. This sort of thing called for a democracy; a whole host of people who would help him decide the matter. He did not want this monstrous problem to be his; he needed others to shoulder the blame.
He needed to call a meeting.
Yes, a meeting. With the school board and the PSTA and the vice principal and everyone who had a word on the subject and Mr. Gerard Meyer himself.
But first, he thought, with a touch of diplomatic brilliance, first I’ll pay a call to the house. Just me and Mr. Meyer and a file of complaints; all smiles and sympathy.
Principal Mackenzie considered himself a demigod of a principal; his best quality being (in his eyes)outstanding judge of character. He considered his clairvoyance a near- supernatural force entrusted to him by a higher power, which he used it humbly and without recognition for the greater good; reading the intentions and emotions of high-strung teenagers. There was no therapist, psychiatrist or school counselor at Gardenia High. Principle Mackenzie was modern-day oracle; he needed the assistance of none. Except, of course, Mrs. Shills.
On his way to the only phone in the office; he flung the file on top of Mrs. Shills’ desk. “Find everyone mentioned in this and invite—no, demand they testify in front of the board. I’m calling a meeting.”
“But Mr. Mackenzie, we already hosted a meeting about the girl’s code violations--”
“I know, Mrs. Shills. But this meeting is a little different. I’m not interested in the terms of her suspension; I’m interested in the rumors about her and her caretaker. I’m calling a meeting with Mr. Gerard Meyer.”
Mr. Shills balked at the name.
“Allow him? Here? But that would be putting our students at risk. Mr. Mackenzie--”
“Not if he’s watched at all times. I have someone escort him around campus; and I’m going to discuss the matter with him personally.”
Mrs. Shills nodded furiously and started scanning the paperwork for names; referencing them on the computer and writing down telephone numbers and hours of availability. Mr. Mackenzie watched her work for a while; the dial tone twittering in his ear.
Mrs. Shills was the only office personal; she did everything. Answered calls, recorded and filed complaints, maintained all the clubs and their fundraisers, wrote morning announcements, filed, sorted and handed out mountains of paperwork… And she did it all in a passionate frenzy; chest swelled, her dull blue eyes swiveling frantically, pupils dilated, tongue fastened to the side of her mouth; wisps of hair clinging to her face; starched with sweat. There wasn’t one day when worked her normal hours and went home. First to arrive, last to depart.
In Mr. Mackenzie’s opinion, she was a damn good secretary.
“And Mrs. Shills?” She dropped the file and swerved around in her chair, flushed from her work; fluorescents glinting off her square glasses, soft lips slightly parted; little daggers of hot breath slipping though them.
“My wife is at some fashion show in New York; won’t be back until Tuesday.”
Mrs. Shills nodded. Nothing else needed to be said. She new which nondescript car to bring, which street she had to park on and how many blocks she needed to walk. She knew what she had to wear and when she had to leave, always taking a different route back to her car, always taking some detour on the way back.
As Mr. Mackenzie prepared his words in his head; adding one here, moving one there, he thought of this man, this Mr. Meyer.
He thought of all the things Gerard had been accused of, and Mr. Mackenzie got a little nauseous.
It was sick, after all. Repulsive, transcending words. The sort of actions that weren't proper to speak of in any place, especially a school. It summoned words and images that shouldn't be fondled in the thoughts of respectable men. It was mortifying to have to hear about these things, Mackenzie thought, much less deal with them.
And if these claims were true... what if the claims were true?
And what if they weren't? So much counted on the character of this Gerard.
Obviously, it was paramount that Mr. Mackenzie speak to this man, himself.
On the other end of the line, Gerard Meyer answered the phone.
“Is this Principal Mackenzie?”
One sentence and the principle was already uneasy.
“How did you know? How could you possibly?”
“I have caller- identification, Mr. Mackenzie.” How pretentious of him, sounding out the whole world. Did the rest of society function just as well with ID?
“Of course, of course. Mr. Meyer, this is a personal call concerning, ah…. I’m going to pay you a visit tonight, if you are available.” Mr. Mackenzie glared at the silence. Obviously, Mr. Meyer wasn’t prepared to invite anyone over. How suspicious.
“Are you available?”
“Of course, Principal. Drop by anytime at all; Amelia will be here as well. She claims she’s sick, though I think it’s completely mental. But either way, my little hypochondriac has been bedridden; I can’t finish any work with her around.”
Mr. Mackenzie noted a little edge in his voice as he said the last words (which he thought a feat of pure perceiving genius) and recalled that it was a dicey suspension that came down to his influence on the educational board. And the man works in his house. Mackenzie always treasured the conventional work ethic; a nine-to-five job that benefits the community while bringing home a steady profit.
“And what is your job, Mr. Meyer?”
“Well… it’s a bit hard to explain, over the phone. It requires gesticulation, graphs, visual aids… but of course, you’re coming over. I’ll tell you then.” Mackenzie bit his lip. Was the man some sort of lewd artist?
“I—I’m sure that won’t be necessary, Mr. Meyer. I have other things to discuss with you…” He looked down at his watch: wedged between the date and the position of the moon were the solemn time-fingers, scratching their way towards four o’clock. He could make it by four fifteen, get this over with. The man gave him goose bumps.
“Mr. Meyer I’ll arrive at four fifteen.”
“Wonderful, Mr. Mackenzie. That’s about the time we eat dinner—do you have any requests?”
Dinner at four o’clock? How unnatural.
“No, no, that won’t be necessary. Good day, Mr. Meyer.”
Principal Paul Mackenzie realized he had been frozen during the entire conversation; fingers coiled around the phone cord, palms sweaty.
He wiped his fingers on his handkerchief.
“Mrs. Shills? Make the meeting for Wednesday. Stress to everyone that it is imperative that they come.”
As he bent down to pick up the file he whispered, “And tonight, wear the teddy I bought you last winter.”
She would comply, as always. She was, after all, a damn good secretary.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Good start. I like your everyday, very modern conversations you have added into it. Very realistic. However, for me it drags on a bit. I don't really feel there is enough action or anything in it. I would suggest editing some key parts and making them feel more exciting. It often feels a bit too laid back at points. However, with that being said, a good start. Keep up the good work.
You asked for this awhile ago and I'm really sorry for the extreme delay. I'm not going to rattle off excuses, I'm just going to say I am really good at procrastinating
A story needs to start off with a bang. The first sentence needs to grab the reader and be like, 'You must at least read to the end of the page!' I think your first couple sentences could do a better job of that. The first sentence seemed heavy to me. I had to re-read it a couple of times.
Maybe try a sentence about the setting or school that really brings us in. You can keep the rest of the paragraph if you want, just get a zinger in there
Far cousin?
Give the full name now and do just the letters later cause right now I have no clue what this stands for. People Trading Shoes Absentmindedly?
My eyes kind of scanned down just now and I noticed the actual name in the next paragraph so I would put the full name here and then shorten it down there.
I don't think you can make 'assume' into an adverb. Maybe try 'apparently' or something.
This made no sense to me.
Who is she? What makes her so special?
Whoa, hold the phone! Are they having an affair?
Fetishes aren't people they're the things that get people aroused on other people like foot fetishes or leather fetishes, etc.
Also, I don't think you need to say all of those things. It gets repetitive and we get the idea after the first couple.
He is all of those things in one?
Characters:
I don't feel connected to anyone at all right now. You introduced a lot of characters in a very short time and I hardly remember who is who and who is doing what. Eliminate some of them or introduce them later, and when you do introduce them take a little more time and really introduce them.
When you just throw out names and whatnot it's hard for the reader to remember them or have any feelings towards them.
This guy that's supposed to be creepy doesn't even seem creepy to me because I hardly know who he is. I don't sympathize with Amelia or really care about her at all.
I would try to develop the characters a little more.
Plot/Overall:
I think I got the over gist of whats happening here but there were a lot of places where I was kind of confused as to what was happening. I think this kind of goes along with not really knowing your characters because after all, they are kind of the root of any story.
Some of it seemed kind of repetitive like the fact that this is a bad dude and he's creepy and the girl is in trouble but they don't know what to do. Those facts seemed to repeat over and over.
Your spelling and grammar really weren't that bad. I just picked out some really nit-picky, pet peevey things
You've got a good start here, don't get discouraged!
-Carly
Hey Empress! I see that I'm a bit late, but I'll still try my best to give you a good review. It may be a bit short though. But here we go!
Nit-Picks
This is a good start, but maybe a bit awkward at the end. Not sure why 'hearsay' is in there.
Should be Wilson.
Is her daughter's name Darcy?
Is it the PTSA or the PSTA?
That's about it for the nit-picks. Very well written!
Overall
I normally don't read this kind of story, but this was very interesting. I love how you developed your characters so well.
I did notice that you had some typos and run-on sentences in there though. Maybe just go over it a bit more and fix those up.
That's about all I have to say though. Awesome job, Empress! I really liked this story, and I'll be keeping a look out for the continuation. Good luck, and good bye! I hope to see you around the site sometime! Bye bye!
~ Trish
Hey!!
What can I say empress?
You're writing is awesome and your style...awesome too.
I guess I'm a bit late ant all has been already nitpicked, but I think I can tellyou some things.
First of all, sometimes through the story, your'e a bit too telly. You should avoid that because even when yu say it, it is hard for the reader to see.
Second, Your charater, Principal Mackenxie is well made, ver well written.
and that's basically all
loved your story
Pudin
Sorry, that was a typo. Mrs. Willshire= Mrs. Damer.
It's fixed now.
Hey, empress! Sorry for the wait.
Well, it looks like everyone's already nit-picked their way through, so I'll just move on.
Your beginning was a little wordy. Which was odd, because most stories don't start out with such a formal tone. I think that you could have had a better hook, as Evi and Phoenix pointed out.
Is Mrs. Wilshire the chemistry teacher? I didn't really get that bit.
On the subject of characters, Principal Mackenzie is looking fine. The others? Well, they seem a little 2D at the moment. If you are going to continue this, you have to conjure Mr. Meyers and Amelia right on the mark.
Overall, this was really interesting. It pulled the reader directly into Principal Mackenzie's mind, very well done, in your part. Just remember, show, not tell! Currently, you're doing more of the latter.
Keep up the good work!
~blu
Hi there! I'm Irish and I'm here to review this fine piece of literature
, and I thought that the relationship between Mr. Mackenzie and Mrs. Shills was pretty shocking/interesting if I read correctly.
So, first off, I'd like to say that I found this incredibly interesting! Mr. Meyer sounds like a real creeper
I did see one thing:
I think there should be a comma between fundraisers and wrote, although I'm not great with grammatical errors so I could be wrong
But again, really interesting! If you write more, I'd love to read it!
Keep up the great work!!
-Irish
Hey, here as requested. ^^ Sorry for any wait.
I agree that the beginning was a bit odd. Too wordy, too legal-sounding. I thought that you're author's-note was continuing there, into the first paragraph. The paragraph itself is good, but not to open. It's too confusing to start on such a sophisticated note, with such formal words.
This seems a bit drastic and unrealistic for a mother to say to the principal. I can understand her wanted her daughter to be transferred, but to another district? I don't know.
Those semi-colons really can just be commas. The idea of a semi colon is to separate complete thoughts without ending the sentence. But 'always taking some detour on the way back' isn't a complete thought. It has no subject. So, yeah, just commas are good.
I like the fact that you repeat this, but not so closely together. Since we just read the first one a couple of lines ago, the repetition isn't as effective as it could be. Try taking this repeat and bringing it to the end of the story, whenever we see Mrs. Shills last.
Same thing about the semi-colons. Just commas would be better. ^^
I don't really like this list. It gets the point across, but a bit bluntly, and I don't think you really need to list all these sickos. Also, ironically, this time you do need a semi-colon in between 'molesters' and 'there things'. Since what I underlined is a complete thought with a subject and verb, it's its own sentence and it needs the semi-colon.
id = ID. Acronyms are always capitalized.
Another thing here is your telling instead of showing, like the previous reviewer pointed out. I don't think it's a huge deal here, though. It's an opening chapter, and you need to set the scene a bit, tell readers what's been going on up to this point. I'd just caution you from keeping the entire story bottled up in McKenzie (or any character's) head like this. It's all his thoughts, when really I want to see his reactions, physically. Blinking, stumbling, licking his lips, picking at a fingernail-- those little quirks reveal so much more than a thought ever could. Not to say abandon all of those little snippets from his mind-- no, they're good. But maybe don't rely on them so heavily.
All in all, a very promising start. It'll be crucial that you get the characters of Amelia and Mr. Meyer right, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Good job, good luck, and PM me for anything!
~Evi
Thank you phoenix!
But one thing: this wasn't "rape," this man isn't a rapist. He's a guardian who is (allegedly) having consensual sex with a minor; a subdivision of rape in the legal circles.
And as for the mom asking for legal action; what would she say? I want Amelia arrested for being a slut?
And as for the list: it wasn't one. It was a point of character that Principal Mackenzie put "fetishees" next to "child rapists" in terms of equality and called all of them "evil."
I also want you to understand that your review was extremely helpful, and I'm not trying to undermine your words by explaining my piece away. Everything you said is something that I need to work harder to convey.
But I don't want you to think I'm the kind of person who lists characteristics.
Hey, Phoenix here to do your review
I suggest you start with a better hook, the first sentence needs to grab a readers attention if the person know nothing about the story. I suggest starting with The Principals emotions and actions.
Mrs. Damer has requested that her daughter be moved out of fifth period chemistry with Mrs. Wilshire. Her reason is as follows:
More then likely a parent would ask from the child to be removed and ask for legal action towards Amelia and her guardian.
I being true it would be much worse have this shown in his thoughts. Like how he is worried about how if the allegations are true it would also ruin the repetition of the school. So have hm think he's screwed either way.
Ok thus far this has been all internal thought, which basically is telling not showing. I would like you to show actions to show his stress. Sifting through the papers without really looking at them, tapping his desk, and whatever other ticks you can think of to show stress or contemplation.
On his way to the only phone in the office; he flung the file on top of Mrs. Shills’ desk. “Find everyone mentioned in this and invite—no, demand they testify in front of the board. I’m calling a meeting.”
for some reason I don't like this word
Huge info dump, spread such information threw the story. Just show your description of her and this will indicate stress you can later have the principal admire her hard work. Which now I see you do in the sentence below. But trim down the list of all the jobs she does. Have it be just The principal noticing her hard work.
knew
Ok another example of info dumping in the form of a list of all the things this Mr. Meyer is. Not necessary. Use a few terms.
I see this as a attempt at characterization but it doesn't fit. First off he's talking to a man that could have raped one of his students and thus could bring down the repetition of the school. I doubt any semblance of respect would be on his mind.
What does guessing and graph have to do with crude art.
Ok overall really good but a few nitpicks
Show don't tell: Most of this story is told in his mind, which is find but you have to action in with that. Further you tend to info dump with long lists of things. Avoid lists past three.
Description: You describe at odd points like at the beginning where you describe the principals thin hands. This distracts from the main point of him looking through the papers.
I like you word choice you use what I call SAT words. In some cases this is good, and in others it is bad. If it's part of the persons thought process, then that's ok because some people do think like that. But it should be used sparingly in the description.
The other people seem a bit flat, for instance when talking about that concerned mother I would have a thought about how she was one of those overprotective moms that overreacted. And having her actually there could further add drama.
I'm not sure what you aim is for the piece. If it's a short story then your pacing is fine, but if it's a planned novel then you're going too fast. Like I said if you want to add some you can add actual human feed back about this situation face to face. This could allow further characterization of the principal and the concerned parent.
Like I said it is go, and I hoped I helped.
Hey! I really liked this. I'm not sure what to critique you on because in my opinion everything was just fine. You gave just the right amount of descriptions and I could definitely imagine Principal Mackenzie and his surrounding problems. It was also very clear that this guy and Mrs.Shills were having an affair, but it wasn't until the very end you confirmed this idea. Overall, well done!