“Everyone, this is Milanka. She’s new to this kind of school, so let’s make her feel as much at home as we possibly can, alright?” Chuck bounced on his toes and heaved forth a hearty smile.
“Sure, Chuck.”
“Yeah, Chuck.”
“Whatever.”
Soulless eyes gaped at her, swiveling around in their shrunken sockets, looking for a place on her tiny frame to heap their troubles.
Chuck was clean, bright, smiling and shiny. His pupils were dirty, sick, prematurely aged, too fat, too thin, with lines of hatred gouged into their sunken faces. They were arranged in a half-circle around her, grinning darkly with eyes full of wistful hunger, and Milanka gripped her bag before saying quietly, “Mimi. Everyone calls me Mimi.”
“Not at Jeremiad’s School for Distinguished Students we don’t. I’m sorry Milanka, but your name denotes respect for yourself and commands respect from others. Mimi just isn’t acceptable.” But his serious face broke into a smile of kind compassion as he spoke aloud to the class.
"Well, Milanka, since you’re new to this kind of learning, let me briefly explain what we do here. At Jeremiad's School for Distinguished students we take all children ages fourteen to eighteen who have tested to be highly intelligent but have some... social problems that detain them from reaching their full potential. As you'll soon learn firsthand, we take these teenagers; some would even call them delinquents, and mold them into upstanding members of society, using a special mix of teaching and therapy that is unique to this school..."
As his voice droned on in a well-practiced monotone, Mimi nodded numbly and shuffled to her seat, the furthest to the left of the half-circle, and tried desperately to be invisible. She already knew that she was going to hate it here. The “teacher” was a prick and the students, well, they all had Jeremiad’s disease (also known as “a special mix of teaching and therapy that is unique to this school.”). It moved through their bodies like a phantom, evading all attempts to be eradicated, and sat like an incubus; sucking away with ravenous thirst at their energy and leaving them hollow, listless, careless and ultimately hopeless. Then the “therapists” would get to work; beating you down with provoking questions that have no answer; "helping" you by dragging out the darkest moments of your past and flogging them until they stopped writhing and lay, motionless and expressionless, beneath your feet.
Mimi surveyed the room. A queer, six-sided thing with all sorts of inspirational posters adorning the walls- the kind that relate life journeys to sports and the life cycles of animals. There was a projector in the front, and behind that a very standard white-erase board. It didn’t look like a place for felonious teenagers; a place where they confiscated sharp objects and your doors locked from the outside. It didn’t look like a cheerful child mental asylum.
But that was the point, wasn’t it?
“Milanka, did you hear what I just said? Would you like to talk about why you came here?” Mimi turned and faced the exuberant man with his kind smile; and saw for the first time that day the cruelty shining in his eyes; the harsh lines that crawled over his tan jaw line and over his defined cheekbones. He wasn't just a jovial rule-monger, he was the driving force behind the mummification of adolescent delinquents who were sent here as a last restort. “Bubonic Chuck,” she murmured to herself with a half-smile. Another virus at Jeremiad’s School for "Distinguished" students.
“I came here because I was forced, Chuck. A higher authority decided that I needed help.” Chuck snapped his fingers as though the sound would encase the brilliant thought that was fluttering desperately away from him.
“Help. That is why you came here, Milanka? Do you admit that you need help?” Mimi felt the irritation building in her throat. If she admitted she needed help, then they started the healing. And the “healing” in this institution would just be a healthy dose of Jeremiad’s disease; countless hours of a woman with glasses and a pseudo smile stretched across her plastic face and a framed Yale diploma on her wall asking Milanka what her progress was this day, week, month, year. What he was really asking was “Do you want to become a premature corpse? Join the club!”
“No.” Mimi’s voice was soft but fierce. “I don’t think I need help, Chuck. The world I live in is full of sickness, corruption, violence, hatred, but no one ever demands that society go to rehab; that society start afresh on the path of healing? No. I was sent here, Chuck, because I dared to be all that I could. Because I wanted to descend.”
“Descend? Are you talking about purposefully taking the wrong path, Milanka? Choosing to go down the road that will ultimately lead to misery?” Chuck's voice lost it's singsong tone and his dark eyes flashed with irritation.
Mimi smiled; a sadistic, derisive grin that would have frightened the Cheshire cat. “I am talking about ambition; a taste for life. There’s a reason that hell has nine levels and heaven only has one. There is so much more sensation to vice than there is to virtue. At least, that’s my philosophy. And apparently, it’s the kind that gets you confined to places like this.” With a flourish, Mimi gestured at the juvenile sayings emblazoned on the childish posters adorning the six sickly walls. Chuck turned slightly pink and pursed his lips.
“I agree completely.” The voice came from the far right, from a person Mimi could barely see, and hadn’t noticed previously. He was tall and tan, with a head of chestnut hair and the eyes of a hungry wildcat—a green that was nearly yellow; and seemed to reproduce the glare of the harsh fluorescents in the room. Not an attractive face; but interesting and full of—what?
Mimi looked at his shining eyes and lanky frame, and conjured the image of a puppet master; pulling just the right string at the exact moment of tension—making the marionette’s crooked dance last longer than eternity, their warped bodies constantly in a state of frozen agony.
“About your philosophy, I mean. New sensations, new experiences, that is what life is all about. And the most memorable ones are, of course, the ones that some denote as unholy, or …wrong. We’re always wrong, aren’t we? Our ideas our wrong, our image is wrong, the way we go about living is wrong… I say everyone mind their own goddamn business and let us live our life however we see fit. I’m not hurting anyone, and I sure as hell am not hurting myself. You know who is inflicting pain on themselves? Nuns. Priests. People of clergy who define themselves to systems of obeisance and chastity. Just because it’s self-righteous agony doesn’t mean it hurts any less.”
He regarded Milanka with a mixture of respect and understanding.
“I’m Priyesh, by the way. Priyesh Jahiim.” He smiled with a set of dazzling white teeth and ceased to say anything else.
After several rather uneventful minutes when both Mimi and Priyesh simmered over their words, the bell finally rang and the students were herded to a spacious cafeteria and served tasteless gruel. Mimi and Priyesh ended up sitting next to each other at a secluded table. After some awkward glances and stifled questions, Priyesh finally asked, “So what did bring you here?”
Mimi ate a few bites of writhing pasta before replying, “I killed a boy name Jason and nailed his beautiful, cinnamon-tanned, perfectly freckled arms above my bed. I didn’t think he’d need them six feet under my basement.”
Priyesh grinned and said, “So you’re taking the fifth?”
Mimi frowned at her lettuce, which was sliding rapidly down her perfectly level plate. Which meant that either one side of the cafeteria was very slightly tilted, or her salad was running away from her. “Is that what I’m doing? It’s only because you’re giving me the third degree.”
Priyesh chuckled slightly and said. “Hardly. More like the first degree. And what do you have to be defensive about? If you want to hear my story--” But he stopped as another student seated herself at the table.
End of chapter
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
Creepy as hell, but I liked it. Your use of langauge only adds to the gigantic tension throughout the piece. Can't wait to read part 3- part 2 is excellent aswell by the way. Keep up the good work.
Thank you Becki. And in response to Tuna; I know exactly what you mean. It's "us" versus "them," adults suk kidz rule, and all that. If I ever finish this piece, I meant for it to be the kind of novel where no one's a bad guy. The next unfinished, pie-in-the-sky installment was supposed to be getting into the characters of chuck and the therapist-- whose name I've forgotten.
Since I see some new people showing interest, maybe I will post another piece.
*Goes off to work on the NEWLY TITLED hell is where the heart is. thanks becky
Okay, wow! Really, just wow! That was fantastic! I was sucked into the story at the very beginning. This was brilliant! I must say, I am liking this Priyesh guy. He gives off a strong "awesome" vibe if you know what I mean. Lol.
And on a more mature note, you're voice is very clear, and the flow is smooth. I really have nothing to critique, as all the little mistakes were covered in earlier posts, and there weren't any big mistakes.
It was definitely creepy, too, which I LOVE. It's so hard to find an actually creepy story instead of the generic "creepy" stuff that only the author thinks is creepy... *coughRoom1408cough*
Anyway, I really loved it! And now I'm starting to think this review could get very repetitive with praise, so I'm off to read the next part! Yay!
I'm not sure what can I say to help this out. I like it like this already.
Maybe I'll just say something I 'wouldn't' want to happen in your next parts?
Well, that is, Mimi is cool, with her strong and sure point of view. I wouldn't want her to loose her cool later on, in terms of a kid vs adult, you know what I'm saying? I've seen these kinda stories ends with the 'right' being the winner, and the main character who is the 'wrong' feels all remorse. I wouldn't like that to happen, lol.
Is this kinda review allowed? lol
Hey there!
First of all, I liked this story very much! It was really impressive.
Here are a few things you might consider, though.
I don't think this sentence is grammatically correct. It should be something like "At Jeremiad's School for Distinguished Students, we don't" or "Not at Jeremiad's School for Distinguished Students"
Awesome turn in the story. When I was reading, I had considered Milanka's point of view in a hypothetical way, but I would have never expected she would have done this.
I didn't get this part about the degrees very well, but maybe you don't want to give it all away so quickly.
Overall, I think this was a great beginning. I'd like to see how it continues; I think it has great potential.
Keep on writing!
-Mell
O.O
I'm not going to even critique it. I loved it and really hope you do add more to this one. The flow is brilliant and I already love Mimi <3, well done !!
((returns to add more))
shouldn't it be: pleading the fifth ? I dunno if anyone else picked up on this. Also I've noticed a lot of people dunno what it means.
Simply put it means to stay silent and not say anything - to plead the fifth (or in this case taking the fifth. (incase no one has explained this already)
I still love it !!!! Please, please, please add more. . . and erm, add more ? Please ?
okokok, so I'll stop now and just once again applaud the dialogue and characters. Brilliant. (gold star for you!)
You're a hell of a better writer than I was when I was your age.
For criticisms, some of the descriptions got too laced with adjectives, and I get this weird feeling that things were moving too fast. Other than that, I was really impressed. Your very first description of Chuck gave me a perfect idea of what he looked like, as did your description of Priyesh.
As for Mimi, did you say how old she was? I'm just assuming she's around your age, in which case her breaking out into such a philosophical spiel in "class" was shocking but not unbelievable. Rather impressive, actually. And of course the twist at the end that lets me know just how serious this is really hit me out of nowhere. I figured the worst Mimi had done was stolen something. This is no Holes, apparently.
Excellent job, I'm impressed. And I'm not lying at all when I say that doesn't happen often here.
That was nice. Every one else got all the grammars problems.
I am surpirsed to be honest. I suppose I am bad at prediction on the behalf of people. This piece is fantastic; dark and thrilling with a laceing of confusion perfect for my taste. Pink Elephants for you!!!!!
This piece is creepy to say the least but I like that. Mimi reminds me of myself actually so it is easy to relate to her. The only suggestions that I have are give us a bit more intro. Add a prologue I find that they help; for example I am reading Wolfcry by Amelia Atwater- Rhodes at the moment and it is a hard book to follow. The Prologue she added, even though it is short, really helped.
Other then that I love it!!!!!!
P.S. I do write ficion, look for White Eyes. You will enjoy it. Well at least I think you will.
-Falline Avery
Hey empress!
Ha! I finally found time to do your review, yay!
First off, I loved this! Your writing made me cringe several times, which doesn't happen often. *shudders* Especially about that one part about nailing his arms above her bed.....
Moving on.....
Uh, I don't know if it's me or not, but shouldn't that semicolon be a comma? I just noticed a ton of places where you used a semicolon instead of a comma.
Personally, I would take out the "and", but it really is up to you.
I don't really think gleeful fits in with that. It just doesn't feel.... right.
I didn't really get this either, especially with the degrees and stuff. Could you maybe clear that up a little bit?
Overall
This is really good. The plot itself is fascinating; I've never read anything like this before. You've brought us all directly inside Mimi's sick, little mind, and though we should hate her to pieces, we just feel some sort of.... respect, maybe? Sorry for copying you, roon. You just explained it all too well.
I think you should clear some things up, like the disease itself, or even the part about the third degree, but other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Keep it up! I can't wait to read what's next!
zOe
Hey empress!
I can't do your review right now, but I just wanted to say this was really good! I loved it!
I promise I'll do your review as soon as I have time.
See ya later!
zOe
Thank you, Roon! And after bullying all my friends into reading this... it's not just you.
No one understood that sentence.
Taking the fifth means-- not telling anyone your story. The fifth amendment; kinda like Miranda rights "anything you say can and will be used against you." Mimi was evading the question with sarcasm.
And yes, you're right about Jeremiad's; she's saying the atmosphere of the school is like a virus. Kind of like if I said I have the Fulton Flue, or something. Yeah, i go a little crazy with the metaphors.
Thank you for the idea about Chuck. I have some problem with dialogue tags. I tend to resort to floating heads.
And i was wondering about the locks! Thanks for clearing that up.
I'm so glad you liked it. :)
Hello there, sorry about the wait, my computer was being stupid... grr, technology! Anyways, I'm here now! Well, I would just like to say that I was totally blown away by this! It is one of the most original pieces I've seen on YWS! I'm going to commence the nitpicking now!
It may be my Englishness, but I think swivelling has two l's. Other than that, I don't think these kids would be likely to admit to having problems, and they would probably see themselves as above petty bullying.
Okay, I like the contrast, but what are his motives, why does he want to help these children, why hasn't he been turned bitter? What is his special connection with his work? Also, I think the two descriptions of the children are a little contradictory, the lines of hatred and the wistful grins? Strange mixture.
i'm not sure I understand the reasoning behind not using Mimi. Also you didn't end-stop the sentence.
Loving the euphemisms here! Very well done.
.
Am I right in thinking that Jeremiad's disease is when they 'cure' them of their social problems, but Mimi thinks that those turned 'normal' are the misfits? I didn't explain that very well, but I think I know what you mean. I think it's not as clear as it could be though, even with the brackets explaining it. At first I thought that they were like this because of the disease, it wasn't until my second reading that I understood it fully.
This was so in tune with how she would describe it. Phenomenal.
Most doors lock from the inside, that means they can lock themselves in, I would have thought you meant that they would be able to lock them in, and so would say "with doors that lock from the outside"
I'm not sure I understand why he snapped his fingers here. It seems unnecessary, it doesn't add anything to the story, in my opinion.
I would have the full stop as an exclamation mark, it would emphasise her sarcasm.
I can almost taste his annoyance here, maybe you should add a change in facial expression, or tone of voice to really send this home?
I don't think the sheepish fits, that implies a certain amount of shame.
It's scary how deep inside her head you are... o_O Hehe, mark of a good writer!
I think you mean "harsh fluorescence of the room"
My thoughts exactly... full of what? I don't get why you just left this hanging.
Just... wow.
Were they doing any work in the class at this point?
o_O creepy, in a good way...
Am I being slow? Does this mean fifth year work? I don't get this bit... I'm really slow, ignore me.
Okay, so, again, wow!
I don't really know what to say. I don't think the characters motives are very well explained in this one. Also, you may have stretched the philosophy a little far.
Mimi is fascinating, truly, I mean I don't know how you do it, but you're right inside her head, and that's where you transport us. We should hate this girl, but we don't, there's a kind of sick respect going through our heads. This is truly fantastic. You may want to make a couple of things clearer, like the disease thing at the start, also the motives of the characters. But I'm sure all this will be explored later...
This was a true horror and pleasure to read, so thank you very much!
~ Roon
Hello, Empress. Here is your review, as requested. I'm not going to be nit-picky today, but I'll sum up how I feel about this piece.
I didn't enjoy it, but don't let that discourage you. It is of good quality for a first draft. The thing that really annoyed me was your usage of purple prose. Purple prose in when things are described in an over elegantly or flowery way. This distracts attention from the story. It wasn't a big problem, but it was still present. A tip for improving it is to look through the story with your theasarus. Write down elegant words that you use that could work just as well, if not better, with more simple words. When you find some that fit, use them.
You also had minor issues with grammar, mostly misplaced commas. Remeber, a comma is a partial stop. This is why you should always read your work aloud and see if everything make sense.
Other than that, good work nd I hope to see you around YWS. PM me if you have any questions.
Thank you, pudin. I think you will enjoy part two a little more; and I am writing part three write now. They seem to get progressively worse; in terms of horror. I'm trying to make the format similar to that of american psycho; in terms of pacing : the first third hints at horror, the second third mimics horror, and the last third..... delivers completely. :)
Huzzah?
I'm hoping to make it ten parts when I'm finished. So we're still in the first trimester of horror.
But thank you, everyone, for super reviews!! I am improving because of you!
HI empress!1
Pudin here! So I liked your story it has lots of potential. Iwould like to read more. I have to admit, that I like this kind of stories. I am hard to crep out so...a little more terror would have been good for me.
I only have to say that I would like a little more description a bout the place and about Milanka since I know little about her (besides her crime. May be also a little more about the feelings. But averall your story is good and i'd like to read more abou it.
Pudin
Hi Empress,
Here as promised! I see that several other people already got the nit picks so I'll just let you know how I felt about the story itself. It reminded me of a slight cross between 1984 and Point Blank, plus your own uniqueness. I haven't really crossed that line yet and started reading stuff where the main character is a character that goes against my own standards so I'll admit that it was a different experience for me. I enjoyed your style of writing though. The story flowed easily through my mind as I envisioned it without excess detail and all that. Definitely keep writing Empress and you'll have a whole line of avid fans.
~Dakota
I think your story is marvelous and is bursting with merit. But the beginning was very confusing for me. You should continue writing and consider sending your stories off to magazines like Realms of Fantasy and The Magazine of Science Fiction and Fantasy. They pay a lot. If I were you, I'd continue working on my craft and start sending stories out. There are other magazines, too, like horror ones that would love your stories. Just try to be more clear in what you're writing, for the readers sake. You really have talent and I can easily see you as a fine writer with a large following.
Hey Empress, welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella, I will be your reviewer today...
Don't worry though, people are rarely going to say you have no hope...
And I'm glad you're ready to accept criticism, it makes it easier
So...
I. NITPICKS
Doesn't she? Why is she there, then?
This took me several readings over to understand. I thought you meant he had plague, or that there was actually a virus called that or... yeah... it was confusing.
They just give them a disease?
There should be a new paragraph between those descends.
fit
You need to paragraph here, I don't understand who's talking.
II. UH... WHA'?
That was my general exclamation over this. Where exactly are they? Hell? She's going to the fifth circle? Why are they in school? What exactly is Jeremiad's disease? I think that you know, but your readers don't, and you have to remember that, and we have to hang on to every thread of information we get and add the explanations later. It's difficult.
Try and explain at least a little bit of it. I mean, we don't even know what age they are. I'd just like you to clarify on some things.
III. OVERALL
Other than that, to be honest, I don't have any issues. This was well-formed, with a good setting and conflict and I liked it
Hope I helped, and if you have any questions about my review or YWS or, well, anything, feel free to give me a shout!
-Stella.
I'm not going to lie..this really creeped me out..which was probably your objective, so congrats! Man, that part where she talked about hanging the boy's skin on her wall actaully made me flinch. Also, does this Priyesh fellow not have the disease? Or is he just trying to resist it, unlike everyone else? Will we ever find out how Mimi came to believe why bad is better?
I don't have time for a full review right now, but I think you need to change the title. "Child's Play" is the first Chuckie movie.
Wow. I'm really blown away by this. It's wonderfully descriptive and very stirring. I'm a little confused about what you keep referring to as Jeremaid's Disease, but I could just be unaware of what that is. I don't know. If you explained that a bit better, and fixed the following grammatical errors, it'd be amazing.
I think you'd be better of saying the one furthest to the left of the half-circle.
I think you meant a place where they confiscated sharp objects, not the.
Great description!
Though fir trees are lovely, I think you meant fit.
I could be missing something, but if I'm not there words should be their words. I'm pretty sure you meant to make it possessive.
Please write more. I really want to know what happens next!