Published June 16, 2009
argg i don't think its spacing right ![]()
Stars above us,
Glisten effortlessly,
Enchant the impossible.
But stars fade,
To dots in shallow skies.
The waves pound us,
Higher than we'll ever be,
Restrict even rugged men.
But waves calm,
To ocean hills.
Forests bloom,
Green with anything but envy,
Weaved with light.
But forests decay,
To backyard embellishments.
Words blind,
And tell legends,
No choice but to believe.
But words are forgotten,
Turned to thoughts.
I still wish upon stars,
And I still the waves.
I still walk the forests,
and I still hear the words,
Like whispers of what we lost.
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Canary word: Present
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I feel like this poem starts off really strong, but it sort of loses steam in the last stanza. With it starting off so powerfully, you should try to do the same with the ending. The imagery here is beautiful. Overall, this is a really good poem.
Hi there!
I'm Kamas and I'll be your reviewer!
Brace yourself I tend to get a little over detailed But this is a nice poem
I love the idea, and the way its done is good too!
My favourite line:
It's just... well...Wow *have a flower*
Well now! Onto the review. (this might not make much sense, I just woke up *teehee*)
1. Typos and Grammar
Corrections are in Bold
*applauds* all done with this part
2. Flow
Okay! You have a good flow going here!
But it is lost at some parts.
*Note: Read it out loud to yourself and you'll spot were it gets messed up (I tell everyone this
Let's uses the next verse as an example
In this verse:
The flow is slowed by the line
"Hold down the strongest man"
It's just so much longer than any other line in the verse.
You want lines to be more even to keep the flow. I see that it would be hard to shorten this line
But find a shorter word for strongest (Thanks god for Thesauruses) or find another way to write the line
If I have something like
Patty had a laffy taffy
Then I had:
Patty ate her sticky laffy taffy very quickly
The line below chops up the line above it.
Well then! I think I'm done!
This was a great little poem I just loved!
Gold star for you
Have fun and kepp writing!
PM if I made no sense to you!
K A M A S