Published August 12, 2005
the time spent has grasped attention, so only now
it's noticed that the
light is a shade of blue
[and, you know, that means you've been going about too long].
fade into unconsciousness... there is no use for you
except to dream and run away from insomnia.
attempts you tried... well, frankly? no one appreciates
or wants to care about anything you endeavor,
so end this useless trying, for all results are cringing,
yet in those origin-eyes, something struck right is sounding.
but frankly? it is just all wrong.
swelling across the vertical sky- worries:
it won't stop- burning long and staying, with nothing
to do but wait while we watch the sun rise.
for, while finally ending it all, i suppose there might be
second glances along the way... but when you start something
and discover that the base was missing all along,
temper tantrums lead to nowhere besides semi-acknowledgment.
and when you fly back around them crying,
all they'll see is that you left the bathroom light on.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Eh, that was pretty blocky and the look (i.e. the difference in line lengths) of it warned me it would be pretty bad, but it wasn't. That was great, and I really liked the title. But you should really clean it up a bit and make some lines shorter/longer.
I agree with Jack...it seemed like you were trying to be stylish and perhaps, something that you were not (meh, that came out wrong). Seems like there was a lot going on here but it was funny...
The difference in words sizes and lines made this feel clunky and uninteresting when it could be so much more.
It sounded like you were trying to be stylish...I guess that can be part of the irony. I understand why you've written it like this but I'd prefer it structured more thoughtfully.
Funny, though.
I love this poem, the ending was good and funny. The title, I thought, fit the sarcastic style of the pome fantasticly. I love this, no critque.