Published September 20, 2009
wrote this awhile ago. would love to hear feedback. any is appreciated. thanks!]
The sky paled in depression of
the clouds, pregnant with rain.
Gods threw their rumbled fury,
yet in the street danced Mary Jane.
To falling beats of water drums,
she snapped her feet in time.
Hips forward, pulled back in desire,
frozen pleasure, too quick for crime.
"Through shrouded rain comes light!"
but we rung our lungs in vain.
For our warnings died within the fog
as lightning struck Mary Jane.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
hey, thanks for all the comments! =)
i would like to keep this open to interpretation, so i won't put a message to it. anyway, thanks again for the comments! i really appreciate it.
sorry for the cluttered mess. i have no idea how to break up the poem into stanzas.
It is amazing how many people write about rain.
I dont think I've gotten to even half of the people that do.
I am one of them. Hee! Hee!
I like it...it has a deeper discription of whats going on.
Keep it up.
Beautiful, it's a story you can visualize in your head. Wonderful!
LOL for some reason, this made me laugh. Just the image I got in my head.
I think I understand it. There seems to be a deeper meaning to this than just a girl dancing in the rain. I'm not sure, but does it mean: If you put yourself in a dangerous position you're going to be in danger? Anyway that's what I got.
Also, the way your words flow and pictures appear in the mind is amazing. I admire you for that.
Keep writing!
I really liked this poem a lot but I am not completely sure what is going on. Maybe that is the point.
My favorite lines are "To falling Beats of water drums,/ she snapped her feet in time."
It might be a personal preference but I don't like how you used the word pregnant to show that the clouds were holding the rain. If you like, keep it.
That is all I have to say. Not many bad things so overall this is a great poem. Keep writing.