Draw in deep the summer, late
night. The artificial sweet
of tobacco- sugar faintly hits
your tongue- grinds its body
on the walls of your cheeks.
Parting lips, it's too late for
guests to stay. Perfume hesitates
at the door, rocking back and forth
to the signs of "leave."
You usher them out, ghosts
in the night. As wisps
of them turn back for a look,
they disappear.
You remember, and
you smile.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is great. Short but sweet. I like how you say things without really saying (no clue how to explain that). I'm not too fond of the ending though, it's just too precise and lovey-dovey for me. I also think this would work much better if you proceeded to a new line at each comma and pause. It would work wonders for the rhythm.
Don't know if the dash works well after 'tongue'. A comma seems more appropriate. I love how you said, 'grinds its body on the walls of your cheeks' instead of just saying...'you eat it'.
hey, thanks for all the crits guys. =) claudette and fand, you're right about that part with the sugar and dashes. now that i'm re-reading it, it seems awkward. xantham, i understand what you meant by the word changes. thanks for pointing them out =).
yeah... i tried for a lofty approach but i don't think i exactly pulled it off.
anyway, thanks again for your reviews! i'll try to revise it to make it better.
This latter part of the image isn't nearly as beautiful as the rest of it. It's nice, but it pales in comparison. "signs of leave"? Perhaps a reword here.
Do you want to keep it "you remember, and you smile" or "you remember, and smile." The first one implies the memory and the smile are less related, while the second one clumps them together as one feeling.
I love your imagery. Wording can change everything, though.
Actually, two hyphens equals a dash; space-hyphen-space is commonly understood, but grammatically incorrect. ^~
This wasn't bad. I'd agree with Clau, however, when she says that it didn't quite "hit its mark." It strives for the poetic, but falls short of achieving that. A great deal of that had to do with the tone; it had a very conversational feel to it, and the few analogies you tried didn't quite feel right. I particularly didn't like the "tobacco--sugar faintly hits your tongue--grinds its body on the walls of your cheek" thing. I like the seductiveness of tobacco that you're trying to convey, but that interruption about the sugar just doesn't work, and ruins it. It feels a little wordy, too.
I do however like the idea; the images were rather lovely, but weren't conveyed in the best manner.
I liked the wording and idea behind this but somethings I have problems with.
This didn't make sense to me.The dashes here confused me at first I didn't know if it was "The artificial sweet of tabacco-sugar" making them one word or "The artificial swete of tabacco - sugar faintly hits your tongue - grinds..." and so making "sugar...tongue" it's own phrase in the sentence.
The idea behind it is nice, a party, someone you love leaving, and there really is sensory image there. [especially for me and cigars, for some reason.] But there are no emotions behind it, no feelings. I can't feel anything, I don't even know what I should be feeling. I'm not sure how you could bring it out, though.
And it seems to be working towards poetic, but then it didn't hit it's mark. Wasn't so bad of a poem, though! I hope you can figure out how to fix it up.