Published November 10, 2006
Envious thief, he bleeds his cries,
for, ever after, his echoes reverberate in our walls.
Our affection's sealed with embraces,
yet implicit love falls short of grateful reception.
Razor blades and pills we discreetly place;
warnings cushion unimaginable loopholes.
But his tunnel vision focuses on himself
as he pleads for gifts to his mistake.
Addicted to us, again we return to his naïveté;
self-sacrifice, our indulgence for his depression.
And still, bedside comforts end no tears,
for eternity is not enough.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
I must agree with Write Me - I understand the attmepted purpose and message behind this poem, but it didn't come across very well.
I would love to see a second draft of this.
The structure and wording in several places makes it quite difficult to read. As Brad says, you might want to rewrite it sans the 'preachiness'.
Good idea though.
emotion_less--
This could have its moments, particularly at the end, but I get the feeling that it was posted in haste.
When I encounter something like:
"Razor blades and pills we discreetly place;
warnings cushion unimaginable loopholes.
But his tunnel vision focuses on himself
as he pleads for gifts to his mistake."
I wonder if you were really paying attention to what you put on the page. You may have intended for the long-winded prosaic tone to enhance the reading experience by augmenting the imagery, but the clarity of this attempt runs counter to that supposition. As a result, the jerky presentation at the beginning of the poem is seen on subsequent readings to be an irritant.
Take the preaching tone out of this; parse your words. Then you might have something worthy of being called a poem.
Take care,
Brad
Yes, it's a bit confusing, but with a little bit of editing and some re-aranging, it could be really good!
RR*
I agree with the above comment, its good but very hard to read, and it needs some tweaking, but well done!
This, although I understand what you are talking about, is very very hard to read. There are just too many large words one after another--try reading it aloud to yourself...it's just hard to get out without stumbling and being like "...isn't this line over yet?" I like that it's very descriptive, but it's just hard to read this way. I would spread things out possibly.
Happy Editing!