No, no, no, It simply isn't right! The girl is of course important, However-
Why, hello. I suppose that now that you are here, I should welcome you to Underland, and wonder, haha, exactly how you came to be here. You see, I was simply uttering to myself as to why little Alice may have her fame and fortune while the rest of us are left behind in the shadows, dull and forgotten. I've also been wondering how to recall my story before I am lost completely.
My travels through the mysterious world of Underland do not begin with Alice. Not hardly, in fact, she is but a mere moment in my days in the land of (thinking here, open to suggestions)
Now the pages are a-turning, I suggest you continue, as I discribe, in great detail, the world our beloved heroine stumbled, so clumsily, into. A world of dark jungles and razor cliffs with creatures foul and mighty. A home to those strange and of course mad, like myself. We are all mad here.
With that, I bring you to the beginning of the life of a cat, in a dreary town called Hogborough; somewhere between Wilmalow and Alderley Edge in Cheshire England.
It was raining that night, as It always was in Hogsborough. The rain hadn't stopped for years, or so said locals, a bitter group of people, gray and dull in spirits. Even in so small a town the folk couldn't be bothered to get to know each other, but instead looked down upon each other, rudely shoving their noses in the air.
In an alley near the corner of Nocturn and Royale, a gray mother tabby gave birth to a litter of five. The last, Chester, being named after his homeplace. A feisty kitten was he, causing trouble where he could, and keeping quiet and aloof where he couldn't. Ah, but an adventurer! Dancing across fences and skittering over storm drains. A storm drain, being where he meets his fate with Underland.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,861 Literary Works • 672,355 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, well this looks to be in the style of a very interesting sounding character narrating to us here...I don't know if this particular voice that you've chosen quite manages to work in something like a book, this sounds more effective for a podcast or something like that, but well, its not a bad voice here, although I'm not entirely sure if it's quite likeable. At any rate this start does successfully catch your attention as a reader, so that's a good thing.
Okay, now that seems like a bit of an attempt at a poetic sort of talking there, which kind of works, but its also a little bit awkward and forced sounding. It does have manage to be a bit funny, so that's a plus so far. It also seems like there's going to be something happening here now besides just this person talking and introducing themselves.
Alright, so I suppose the scene shifts here to the story that this person here wants to tell. That is actually fairly smooth and you set a neat little scene there to show the person coming into the world...and the light description there is actually pretty nice...although it does kind of cut off abruptly here, I feel like you could continue for a bit more there and end on a more final note than what we've got there. This also doesn't seem to be something you'd put in a prologue, it seems more like something for a first chapter to have here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This was a bad Idea, I jumped the gun a bit. Ill keep going if i have any more ideas on it but for now i got nothn...
Hello, Hawk here for a review!
All right, so I'm excited at reading an Alice in Wonderland tale -- though I'm wondering if this should be in Fanfiction forum, since it's based off another author's characters and world? Just let me know if you need it moved to a more appropriate spot.
Anyway, to the review. I think you've got an interesting start. It certainly makes me want to read on and find out more about this interesting character. However, I think you could use a little more clarity to his thoughts. They're rather hard to follow, what with all of the side notes and ramblings and such. Even though you're trying to portray madness/insanity, you don't want to go too over the top and confuse your reader. There were a few spots where I had to go back and read it again more slowly, just so I could follow along with what was happening. Try to make the sentences a little simpler and not so full of adjectives.
Another thing I'd like to mention is your transition from first person narrative to the third person -- make a little distinction between the paragraphs, such as ~~~~~ or ***** so that it's clear that something's different, and that way it won't be so confusing when you go from narrating the tale to talking about him when he was a youngling.
One last thing I'd suggest is to not use so many names of places. It just gets very cluttered, and if the places aren't going to be of much importance later on in the story, then don't mention them here and make the reader try to remember the names of all the places.
All right, so that's all I've got to say. I'm looking forward to seeing where you're taking this! Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot.
God bless,
~Hawk
Amazing idea! I am a ture fan of the Chester Cat, so seeing this book idea makes me wish you have writen more! Please contiune writing it!
This is beyond interesting and I can't wait to read the following chapters. Please keep me informed about this story because I'm already in love with it.
Hey Emoticon,
No, no, no,Try, “The world in which our beloved... clumsily stumbled into
get rid of when
Hah. I can't wait to read this. I love Alice in wonderland, and your writing is really good. You do need to watch out for those run on sentences. I really liked this though, and DEFIANTLY tell me when you're writing the actual story.
Good job, and keep writing!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
I get it, like Alice in wonderland from a different perspective? Very original idea
For a prologue, i think this is perfect, not revealing too much information, but revealing enough to keep the reader interested.
A few spelling/grammar errors, but that can be fixed.
All in all, i think this is a great piece and look forward to reading the rest